Adult daughter has gone no contact

[Heretoheal]

Hello. First post here. My 24 year old daughter, I believe has BPD. She is currently undiagnosed. About a year ago after a particularly intense episode of rage directed at me I spent days googling and came across this site as well as others that pointed to what seems like high functioning BPD. Looking back over her life she has exhibited many of the symptoms for years. I started her in therapy as a young teen and she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but never BPD. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize this much earlier as I could have done things much differently, validating and JADE, etc. She does live alone and has a job and supports herself. For that I am grateful. But she seems to have cut me off. No explanation. No telling me to leave her alone just unresponsive to calls and texts. I have always been her figurative punching bag. I’ve walked on eggshells for years with her. I had resigned myself to just take her verbal attacks and put up with them since we don’t see her often. ( We moved a few hours away from her a couple of years ago). She had kept in contact with my husband though. The past month or so she has stopped responding to hi.  He is upset and confused as well. With the holidays coming up, I don’t even know her plans. I’m not sure…do I send her a Christmas gift?  Will that make things better or worse?  This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The tears come so easily lately.  Has anyone been through this experience of just not being responded to?  I don’t want to chase her but don’t want to give up. But is it healthier to just give up and mentally move on?  How does someone do that?This BPD is so confusing to me. Any advice is greatly appreciated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

My adult BPD stepdaughter has put her family through several periods of estrangement and no contact.  Sometimes the reason is partially clear, and sometimes not so much.  Since she has gotten treatment for BPD, the frequency, intensity and duration of her emotional reactions have lessened, but she still retreats and cuts off contact sometimes.  I've come to view these periods as "adult time outs."  She needs time and space to get herself together.  Sometimes I think she's dealing with a lot of insecurity, shame and (misplaced) anger.  She has struggled with "adulting" and doesn't like feeling so dysfunctional and judged, yet at the same time, she has a victim mindset and tends to blame her family for her problems.  She feels "behind" her siblings and peers, and in some ways, she is.  Thus pulling away from parents can be a way she asserts her independence.  At the same time, she might believe that her estrangement is a punishment for the offending parent--which gives her a sense of power and control, which she desperately lacks in her life at the moment.  Sadly, the estrangement makes her feel more alienated, when what she craves is acceptance and belonging.  I bet sometimes she tells herself that her parent is toxic, as this belief is easier for her to swallow than for her to admit that she herself is the cause of her ongoing problems.

My approach has been to give her the space that she's indicating she needs.  When she needs help, she'll ask for it.  Usually she'll resume contact in a matter of days or weeks, typically with a request for money and/or help.  When contact is resumed, I pretend like she never cut me or her dad out.  I try not to dwell on whatever transpired and certainly don't remind her, either.

Regarding holidays, my approach has been to invite her, but never to pressure her to show up.  It's entirely up to her if she visits or not.  My approach regarding gifts is always to buy her something.  If she shows up, then she gets Christmas or birthday presents.  If not, I'll put the gift(s) away for another time, or give it to someone else.  I think this is better than mailing a gift, because when she's not communicating, she doesn't want to be reminded of us.  A couple of times she has tossed away a mailed gift, or tried to return it to the sender, and that's just a waste.  I don't tell her that giving her gifts in person is my "policy" with her, I just do it that way.

As for communicating by text, my advice is not to "beg" her to reply or to come visit.  I'd say, respect your daughter's desire for space.  I would text her to send holiday wishes, or to invite her to come over for family gatherings or major holidays, but I wouldn't expect a reply.  Basically I'd text her like I would text a distant cousin--rarely, with short messages, and neutral/upbeat content only; no missives or emotional content whatsoever.  I know you are worried about her, but if you "beg"  her to update you on her status, you'll likely pique her.  She's smart, if she needs help, she'll ask for it, or she'll call 911.  In the meantime, you can feel proud that she's carving out an independent, adult's life for herself.  If she can do that for any meaningful stretch of time without needing your constant support, she AND you have done a fantastic job.

Just my two cents.

[TheNana]

Yes! No matter which way it goes, she has to find her own way. I realize that I cannot beat myself up over it because I will not have ANYTHING to offer anyone. I love life even with it's ups and downs. I don't want to let myself down by giving up on myself. What kind of inspiration would that be? Is that selfish of me?

[js friend]

Hi HereToHeal,

I know the feeling of just needing to know WHY?

My Udd began Ignoring my calls began in her early teens. At first she had all the excuses like "There was no wifi", "I didnt hear it ring", "I didnt have it on me" and then later no excuses at all, Another time she only wanted to communicate with me by writing post it notes!

The closest I have got to an explanation of why going NC happens was not from another family member who has sought mental health treatment.

This Family member has always regulary blocks contacts, ignores calls, changes her number and goes NC for months/years and then will reappear like nothing happened. Frustratingly one day I asked her why she keeps doing this and she said its because she just feels too overwhelmed and pressured to respond or be around people. She also avoids family and work events for the same reasons. Right now the last last text I sent 5 months ago is still unread and she hasnt been in touch. Funnily my family member has always said that she feels that she has a lot in common with my udd.

I think that there is no harm sending a gift but only send it with no expectations, and if you do decide to invite her over make sure it is worth having an alternative plan in place for the day if she doesnt show up.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  My response is going to sound non-chalant, only because it has been almost 3 solid years of minimal contact....my 24 (must be the AGE?) daughter, pwBPD was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago, the first year, I researched EVERYthing, read all the books, joined NAMI, I slept over my daughter's apartment at least 3x a week, (so many sad stories, she would have me take her pills, so she did not OD, hide her knives, there were 2 inpatient psych stays, she would tell me to shut the F up out of the blue (gosh, just typing this is making me tear up) in any case, out of the clear blue, she told me I was the reason she was like "this" after demanding $5000 for her school loan (long story....I was paying her college tuition, out of pocket, during my overtime) but she dropped out & owed money....I did not have $5000 that MINUTE....she has since ceased contact with me, her father, her sister and her 3 young nieces (the oldest, we practically raised); she texts only if she needs money, etc.; I have mailed her holiday cards/gift cards, birthday cards (the first year of holidays, I cried all day long, Mother's day, my birthday, her birthday (I have a BPD specialist/therapist, so, I am attempting to find JOY again); she has moved (I only know this, because she is on my health and auto insurance) so....this year I cannot even do that (gosh....I am tearing up, again   all I can say, BPD is a BEAST; please free to reach out, if you like....I wish you good luck and am sincerely sorry you (and any in this group) are going through this

[Heretoheal]

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse. I definitely want to respect her needs as this seems like the only way to validate her since she is not speaking to us. I read in another page on estrangement that SHE chose to stop the relationship but that is not MY choice so I should send a gift and expect nothing but my question is for someone with BPD is sending a gift going to irritate her even more?  I’m trying to keep myself distracted but the tears come so easily. Today at the gym people are getting ready for the holidays, sharing their plans, etc. I barely made it to the car before the tears came. What do I tell people?  My daughter who I love wants nothing to do with me?  That I somehow made her feel so bad that she felt the need to cut me off?  Anyway, I’m  leaning towards sending a gift, but just not expecting a response?  Thanks for listening

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand your distress, especially during the holidays when you want to make family time special.  As for what to tell friends, I think you say something anodyne like, "We're having our usual family get-together."  If they specifically ask about your daughter, you can tell the simple truth:  "We don't know her plans yet," or maybe "She's doing her own thing this year," or maybe, "We'd love to see her."  As for Thanksgiving, every one of those statements is true in my case.  My BPD stepdaughter is invited to visit for Thanksgiving, but I have no idea if she will show up.  If she doesn't show up, then she made her own plans.  It's not unusual for young people to avoid hanging out with old fogeys anyway.

Another observation about my BPD stepdaughter is that she tends to be avoidant.  She doesn't like stress, and her tendency is to run away from it.  I think of this as the typical "flight" response in a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction.  Not communicating and not answering texts is her way of avoiding people.  She doesn't want to feel judged, and she doesn't want to take on any additional commitments, because they stress her out too much.  She doesn't want to tell her family what she's up to, because she probably feels they would disapprove.  She just can't handle the holidays, either.  It's too hard to see others be happy when she feels so down.  She can't handle the well-meaning questions from her relatives, like "How's school?" or "How's work?" or "Are you seeing anyone?" because she's embarrassed--she assumes everyone will judge her harshly.  Not only that, she's jealous of siblings and cousins who delight in updating us about their progress in academics, work and romantic pursuits.  Her way of coping is to avoid contact, even if it makes her feel alienated.  It's sad, but that's what she's most comfortable with.

As for gifts, I think I wrote previously that I will buy her a gift, and if she visits, I'll give it to her.  If she doesn't visit, then I'll put the gift aside and wait, or maybe I'll give it to someone else.  I don't risk mailing her a gift so as not to interrupt her time out, and not to "reward" her for remaining incommunicado while we are supporting her financially.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse.

Think of your daughter like a flame.  To burn, she needs a flammable material (wood, paper, cloth, etc.) and an actual spark.

For a long time, you were her spark.  But she's moved on and found something that seems to fit better.  And that's okay, at least you're somewhat removed from her endless need for attention and blaming.

But like any flame, the material eventually burns out...relationships fall apart from an all too familiar pattern.  Like she did with you, she moves on and needs a new spark to keep her flame burning.  Maybe that's you, or your husband, or someone completely new.  But there's always that need for the basic components of who she is.

For BPDs, the people they're closest to are also the people they have the most instability with.  Relationships come and go, only to return again when there's nobody left. So this definitely is not for forever and you can't take it personal...this happens to absolutely everyone in her life at some point. 

As soon as they become irreplaceable, that flame burns brighter and the material will inevitably burn up.