Adult daughter has gone no contact

[Heretoheal]

Hello. First post here. My 24 year old daughter, I believe has BPD. She is currently undiagnosed. About a year ago after a particularly intense episode of rage directed at me I spent days googling and came across this site as well as others that pointed to what seems like high functioning BPD. Looking back over her life she has exhibited many of the symptoms for years. I started her in therapy as a young teen and she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but never BPD. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize this much earlier as I could have done things much differently, validating and JADE, etc. She does live alone and has a job and supports herself. For that I am grateful. But she seems to have cut me off. No explanation. No telling me to leave her alone just unresponsive to calls and texts. I have always been her figurative punching bag. I’ve walked on eggshells for years with her. I had resigned myself to just take her verbal attacks and put up with them since we don’t see her often. ( We moved a few hours away from her a couple of years ago). She had kept in contact with my husband though. The past month or so she has stopped responding to hi.  He is upset and confused as well. With the holidays coming up, I don’t even know her plans. I’m not sure…do I send her a Christmas gift?  Will that make things better or worse?  This is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. The tears come so easily lately.  Has anyone been through this experience of just not being responded to?  I don’t want to chase her but don’t want to give up. But is it healthier to just give up and mentally move on?  How does someone do that?This BPD is so confusing to me. Any advice is greatly appreciated

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

My adult BPD stepdaughter has put her family through several periods of estrangement and no contact.  Sometimes the reason is partially clear, and sometimes not so much.  Since she has gotten treatment for BPD, the frequency, intensity and duration of her emotional reactions have lessened, but she still retreats and cuts off contact sometimes.  I've come to view these periods as "adult time outs."  She needs time and space to get herself together.  Sometimes I think she's dealing with a lot of insecurity, shame and (misplaced) anger.  She has struggled with "adulting" and doesn't like feeling so dysfunctional and judged, yet at the same time, she has a victim mindset and tends to blame her family for her problems.  She feels "behind" her siblings and peers, and in some ways, she is.  Thus pulling away from parents can be a way she asserts her independence.  At the same time, she might believe that her estrangement is a punishment for the offending parent--which gives her a sense of power and control, which she desperately lacks in her life at the moment.  Sadly, the estrangement makes her feel more alienated, when what she craves is acceptance and belonging.  I bet sometimes she tells herself that her parent is toxic, as this belief is easier for her to swallow than for her to admit that she herself is the cause of her ongoing problems.

My approach has been to give her the space that she's indicating she needs.  When she needs help, she'll ask for it.  Usually she'll resume contact in a matter of days or weeks, typically with a request for money and/or help.  When contact is resumed, I pretend like she never cut me or her dad out.  I try not to dwell on whatever transpired and certainly don't remind her, either.

Regarding holidays, my approach has been to invite her, but never to pressure her to show up.  It's entirely up to her if she visits or not.  My approach regarding gifts is always to buy her something.  If she shows up, then she gets Christmas or birthday presents.  If not, I'll put the gift(s) away for another time, or give it to someone else.  I think this is better than mailing a gift, because when she's not communicating, she doesn't want to be reminded of us.  A couple of times she has tossed away a mailed gift, or tried to return it to the sender, and that's just a waste.  I don't tell her that giving her gifts in person is my "policy" with her, I just do it that way.

As for communicating by text, my advice is not to "beg" her to reply or to come visit.  I'd say, respect your daughter's desire for space.  I would text her to send holiday wishes, or to invite her to come over for family gatherings or major holidays, but I wouldn't expect a reply.  Basically I'd text her like I would text a distant cousin--rarely, with short messages, and neutral/upbeat content only; no missives or emotional content whatsoever.  I know you are worried about her, but if you "beg"  her to update you on her status, you'll likely pique her.  She's smart, if she needs help, she'll ask for it, or she'll call 911.  In the meantime, you can feel proud that she's carving out an independent, adult's life for herself.  If she can do that for any meaningful stretch of time without needing your constant support, she AND you have done a fantastic job.

Just my two cents.

[TheNana]

Yes! No matter which way it goes, she has to find her own way. I realize that I cannot beat myself up over it because I will not have ANYTHING to offer anyone. I love life even with it's ups and downs. I don't want to let myself down by giving up on myself. What kind of inspiration would that be? Is that selfish of me?

[js friend]

Hi HereToHeal,

I know the feeling of just needing to know WHY?

My Udd began Ignoring my calls began in her early teens. At first she had all the excuses like "There was no wifi", "I didnt hear it ring", "I didnt have it on me" and then later no excuses at all, Another time she only wanted to communicate with me by writing post it notes!

The closest I have got to an explanation of why going NC happens was not from another family member who has sought mental health treatment.

This Family member has always regulary blocks contacts, ignores calls, changes her number and goes NC for months/years and then will reappear like nothing happened. Frustratingly one day I asked her why she keeps doing this and she said its because she just feels too overwhelmed and pressured to respond or be around people. She also avoids family and work events for the same reasons. Right now the last last text I sent 5 months ago is still unread and she hasnt been in touch. Funnily my family member has always said that she feels that she has a lot in common with my udd.

I think that there is no harm sending a gift but only send it with no expectations, and if you do decide to invite her over make sure it is worth having an alternative plan in place for the day if she doesnt show up.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  My response is going to sound non-chalant, only because it has been almost 3 solid years of minimal contact....my 24 (must be the AGE?) daughter, pwBPD was diagnosed with BPD about 4 years ago, the first year, I researched EVERYthing, read all the books, joined NAMI, I slept over my daughter's apartment at least 3x a week, (so many sad stories, she would have me take her pills, so she did not OD, hide her knives, there were 2 inpatient psych stays, she would tell me to shut the F up out of the blue (gosh, just typing this is making me tear up) in any case, out of the clear blue, she told me I was the reason she was like "this" after demanding $5000 for her school loan (long story....I was paying her college tuition, out of pocket, during my overtime) but she dropped out & owed money....I did not have $5000 that MINUTE....she has since ceased contact with me, her father, her sister and her 3 young nieces (the oldest, we practically raised); she texts only if she needs money, etc.; I have mailed her holiday cards/gift cards, birthday cards (the first year of holidays, I cried all day long, Mother's day, my birthday, her birthday (I have a BPD specialist/therapist, so, I am attempting to find JOY again); she has moved (I only know this, because she is on my health and auto insurance) so....this year I cannot even do that (gosh....I am tearing up, again   all I can say, BPD is a BEAST; please free to reach out, if you like....I wish you good luck and am sincerely sorry you (and any in this group) are going through this

[Heretoheal]

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse. I definitely want to respect her needs as this seems like the only way to validate her since she is not speaking to us. I read in another page on estrangement that SHE chose to stop the relationship but that is not MY choice so I should send a gift and expect nothing but my question is for someone with BPD is sending a gift going to irritate her even more?  I’m trying to keep myself distracted but the tears come so easily. Today at the gym people are getting ready for the holidays, sharing their plans, etc. I barely made it to the car before the tears came. What do I tell people?  My daughter who I love wants nothing to do with me?  That I somehow made her feel so bad that she felt the need to cut me off?  Anyway, I’m  leaning towards sending a gift, but just not expecting a response?  Thanks for listening

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand your distress, especially during the holidays when you want to make family time special.  As for what to tell friends, I think you say something anodyne like, "We're having our usual family get-together."  If they specifically ask about your daughter, you can tell the simple truth:  "We don't know her plans yet," or maybe "She's doing her own thing this year," or maybe, "We'd love to see her."  As for Thanksgiving, every one of those statements is true in my case.  My BPD stepdaughter is invited to visit for Thanksgiving, but I have no idea if she will show up.  If she doesn't show up, then she made her own plans.  It's not unusual for young people to avoid hanging out with old fogeys anyway.

Another observation about my BPD stepdaughter is that she tends to be avoidant.  She doesn't like stress, and her tendency is to run away from it.  I think of this as the typical "flight" response in a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction.  Not communicating and not answering texts is her way of avoiding people.  She doesn't want to feel judged, and she doesn't want to take on any additional commitments, because they stress her out too much.  She doesn't want to tell her family what she's up to, because she probably feels they would disapprove.  She just can't handle the holidays, either.  It's too hard to see others be happy when she feels so down.  She can't handle the well-meaning questions from her relatives, like "How's school?" or "How's work?" or "Are you seeing anyone?" because she's embarrassed--she assumes everyone will judge her harshly.  Not only that, she's jealous of siblings and cousins who delight in updating us about their progress in academics, work and romantic pursuits.  Her way of coping is to avoid contact, even if it makes her feel alienated.  It's sad, but that's what she's most comfortable with.

As for gifts, I think I wrote previously that I will buy her a gift, and if she visits, I'll give it to her.  If she doesn't visit, then I'll put the gift aside and wait, or maybe I'll give it to someone else.  I don't risk mailing her a gift so as not to interrupt her time out, and not to "reward" her for remaining incommunicado while we are supporting her financially.

Just my two cents.

[Pook075]

Thank you all for the responses. They are helpful. My husband has texted a couple of times over the past couple of weeks asking if she’d like to come here for the holidays, or go on a trip with us instead without any response. I’m trying to view this as her needing space. I’m telling myself perhaps it isn’t permanent. I’ve read somewhere(maybe here) that chasing someone with BPD who doesn’t want contact is like quicksand and can only make things worse.

Think of your daughter like a flame.  To burn, she needs a flammable material (wood, paper, cloth, etc.) and an actual spark.

For a long time, you were her spark.  But she's moved on and found something that seems to fit better.  And that's okay, at least you're somewhat removed from her endless need for attention and blaming.

But like any flame, the material eventually burns out...relationships fall apart from an all too familiar pattern.  Like she did with you, she moves on and needs a new spark to keep her flame burning.  Maybe that's you, or your husband, or someone completely new.  But there's always that need for the basic components of who she is.

For BPDs, the people they're closest to are also the people they have the most instability with.  Relationships come and go, only to return again when there's nobody left. So this definitely is not for forever and you can't take it personal...this happens to absolutely everyone in her life at some point. 

As soon as they become irreplaceable, that flame burns brighter and the material will inevitably burn up.

[BPDstinks]

Yup!  The first round of holidays are the worst   My daughter, oddly, paired up with my sister, so, that is a balm in the wound, because we are not welcome there, due to a Covid issue 5 years ago (long story) so....the Holidays are a sad affair; in any case, my close set of friends know the situation, however, I tell others "she is fine"

[BPDstinks]

Pook...what valuable advice!

[BPDstinks]

I forgot to mention, my BPD therapist told me, whenever I initiate contact with pwBPD (i.e. I miss you....something like that, makes her anxious, as it boxes her into an EMOTION) regardless, she states it "re-sets" the "I need space" clock; I limit correspondence to "Happy Thanksgiving" text (though, I am pretty sure she blocked me) and sadly, I cannot mail her a card/gifts cards, like I had been doing, as I do not know her new address (it must be said, I think it is so sad...time is short, life can change in a MINUTE, I would give anything to (speaking of re-set) have a DO-over, though, I just don't know what I could change!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Heretoheal]

Thank you!  That is good advice!  Whenever I text her, every few weeks, I just send her a funny dog meme or a picture of something I think she’d like..I never ask a question. That way it’s less hurtful when she ignores it. I read cc43’s thought on it sending gifts. Not wanting to reward this behavior and also to respect her boundaries. Do you think we should text her that her presents are here and ready next time we see her?  Any other advice from your therapist?  I’m looking in on getting started in therapy myself. I’m desperate for ways on how to navigate life lately.

[CC43]

Hi,

If I were in your situation, I wouldn't mention that you're holding her gifts for her.  She might view that as a sort of bribe:  "Mom thinks she can erase all her abusive treatment of me with a measly gift."  Or maybe she wants to punish you:  "I'm not going to give Mom the satisfaction of feeling good giving me a gift because she's toxic."  Or you'll get the wrong thing:  "Mom has horrible taste, I'd never wear that sweater in a million years, she has no idea who I am and what I like, she never did."  Or maybe:  "Now I have to buy HER a gift, and I have no money or energy."  Sometimes I think what she really wants is money, to enable her to pull completely away from you.  The tough part though is that she craves a close relationship, but she's too insecure, ashamed and traumatized to handle one.  She knows that relationships are about give and take, but she can only take right now, and not give anything at all.  Rather than come up short, she avoids the situation altogether.  And it may be that when she sees you, she feels she's "demoted" to young teenager status, which she hates, as she's desperately trying to find her adult persona.

[BPDstinks]

hmmm....if you are (insert passive aggressive tone, lucky to have an address, I would ship the gifts or just do gift cards) my therapist STRESSES the word DIAD....it means:  a group, like 3 people, basically, a group can shift at any time (it is very hard to swallow in real time) also....the term FAVORITE person is key....I was the favorite person for years, (held on a PEDESTAL) once the favorite person FALLS; it is the bottom of the "food chain"; I have researched this heavily: I canNOT praise my therapist enough....this is the first time in 3 years I allow myself JOY: I hope you find some, also

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear the sadness in your post, and I came here to say I am in the same boat with my UDD 24. Very similar circumstances - she's speaking to dad, but not to me. I agree with all of the advice you've gotten here! Such wisdom.

I've been working with a therapist, and they've provided some insights that may be helpful...

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.

• The holidays are just a day. We attach a lot of meaning to them, of course, but in reality, they are not the times that lead to long-term restoration.

My D didn't love family gatherings even before she and I fell out. She would skip them or stick very close to me throughout. They come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.

• If you are her person, like I am, we fuel emotion as the main attachment figure. For months, my daughter has raged at me and said the most horrible things. Now, she isn't responding at all and told dad she won't come to Thanksgiving because she doesn't want to see me. That hurts even though I expected it. I'm sad, but mostly feel bad she'll be alone.

Our kids may be choosing aloneness over the stress of the family gathering - their lens on life is not ours.  Pursuit seems to lead to more emotion, and as BPDStinks said, I agree it resets the clock all over again.

So I send neutral texts weekly - Hope all is well, thinking of you.
They seem trite and boring, and it pains me, but I'm trying to show consistency without pressure. Like writing a text or communicating kindly to a distant cousin.

I'm still debating how to handle this week's text. Do I send it ahead of the holiday? Is that pressure? Do I send it after - pretend the holiday didn't happen? I find that's the most difficult part - knowing the right thing to do.

• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional. I know it feels weird not to say normal mom things. I feel the same way. But we don't have normal parent-child relationships either.
Hang in there.

[SoVeryConfused]

BTW, every response on this is GOLD! From CC to Pook to BPDStinks - you have all provided powerful ways to think about this. Thank you!

[BPDstinks]

this whole conversation is making my heart pound (with excitement!) I (again, am sorry) others go "through" this, but...sometimes I just cannot wrap my brain around it!  My friends mean well and show me Facebook posts (FB memories are a blessing and a curse) with my daughter (with the rest of my family, (again....I know I have passive-aggressive statements...that is why I have a therapist) (I have my own anxiety issues I work on!) but....it is so painful!  I very much appreciate the "holidays" are just another day (I am, by nature, a very festive person....though, I have funneled my energies into my beautiful (I know I am very lucky in that regard) grandchildren....I offer a lovely suggestion....along with a co-worker, we started a Supper Club (we were talking to another co-worker, who mentioned she is lonely, all her kids are grown, etc.); we brought 17 people together for a dinner!  It brought me (again, JOY is a word that was loosely tossed around) joy, to bring others joy....I, personally, feel like I am in "limbo" waiting for my daughter (?) though, my therapist, explains, part of MY journey is to make myself "ready"; acknowledging behaviors, on my part, that do not "gel" with her BPD (I am very EXPRESSIVE....which butts head with her BPD, etc.) just some thoughts

[CC43]

• You can't reconcile unless both have a posture of reconciliation. Your daughter (and mine) don't want to restore the relationship, YET. That's today - not necessarily forever.
• The holidays come with lots of expectations and stress. My D would be so mad about normal, curious questions about her life. I read that they feel like scrutiny to them, and it causes shame.
• I wouldn't do anything that indicates expectation... we have your presents, we would love to see you, etc. That stresses them, and at the end of the day, we want them to be more regulated, not more emotional.
[/quote]

I agree 100% with those points.

Regarding "readiness" for reconciliation:  what I've seen from my adult BPD stepdaughter is that she has been "ready" for a "partial" reconciliation only when she has exhausted all other options.  It seems that she will communicate with her dad and me only when absolutely necessary, when she needs money, housing or logistical support.  In other words, she can be civil when she wants to, but that's all she can muster.  I can tell she doesn't enjoy asking us for help, but the reality is that it's usually easier than the alternative--getting a regular job, taking care of things herself.  Having said that, lately she has been stepping up her game and solving more and more issues on her own.  I think that has been a huge confidence-booster.  At the same time, I've urged my husband not to "rush in" to solve all her problems for her like he did when she was younger, especially problems that she should be able to handle herself, despite her emotional reactions and immaturity.  I've told him, he needs to evolve his role, from that of provider to wise adviser/counselor, and offer advice only when she asks for help.  It's just that he doesn't want to see her struggle, and I get that.  But over-functioning for her has in a perverse way held her back.  She needs more space (and time) to figure out some things on her own.  I'd say, be patient and give her that time and space.

I think she won't be ready for a "full" reconciliation with her family until she feels more independent and grown up, when her identity has been solidified.  The way I see it, she tends to avoid holidays and gatherings with other family members, because she can't handle the pressure of high expectations, stress and questioning from well-meaning relatives.  She feels lost and inadequate, and she assumes that others see her that way.  She also feels jealous of other people's happiness, when she feels glum.  Finally, I think she might be afraid she'll have a meltdown, and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by that, either.  Her typical solution is to avoid those feelings altogether, and keep her distance.  But I'm holding out some hope that eventually, she'll feel more confident and be able to handle a family gathering for a couple of hours.  We'll see.

At any rate, expecting a reconciliation to happen simultaneously with a high-pressure holiday seems like it would be way too stressful.  I'd advise baby steps whenever possible.  That might look like resumption of texting, then maybe a one-on-one get-together (possibly coffee or lunch near her), and then maybe sharing regular dinner with more people at your place.  Maybe you're lucky and she'll come back into your life as if nothing ever happened.  But my guess is she's avoiding you for a reason:  she's experienced a setback and she's reeling or embarrassed, and maybe she's blaming you, though you probably had nothing to do with it.  At any rate, she's showing you she needs some space.