Intro

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time here and first post. I have spent much of the past year since marrying my husband in emotional states I don't need to describe to this group. For awhile I believed he was a low-level narcissist because some traits fit and others didn't. Just last week, I was working with a new coaching client who is married to someone with BPD and showed me her copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells.

WOAH.

Ironically, 15 years ago I work at an outpatient counseling center, where my supervisor gave me all the clients with BPD because I was the only one who could handle them! Boy has it been a different situation being married to someone who does.

The emotional abuse triggered a lot of trauma from my past, which I have been working processing. We live in separate states (mainly because of this issue) and usually get along relatively well in person, because I am only there for short periods of time, with nothing competing with him for my time and attention. When I get home... .all hell breaks lose.

I realize that despite having been good at working with BPD clients all those years ago, I have handled my husband in all the wrong ways. First by enabling him by accepting his horrific behaviors as I tried to use them to foster my spiritual growth, then completing losing it and fighting him at every turn.

All the time and energy wasted fruitlessly trying to change myself, explain myself, defend myself, make him accountable, teach him better ways to communicate... .never understanding why none of it worked.

Then I got just as angry and aggressive and hurtful as he was. Maybe that was even the worst part.

I wrote a blog about some of my experiences which people have told them has been very helpful for their own relationships... .because we have risen above all our times of immense struggle. But that was all before truly understanding it. It got too difficult to write about what I was experiencing so I stopped a couple of months ago - and then he found it. As you can imagine, that didn't go over very well.

(He knew I was writing it for 1.5 years - he just hadn't read it.)

In fairness, he handled it better than he could have. Although I have a feeling I will hear about it every time he gets angry now. (Is storing things to be angry about and bringing them up months later a BPD quality? He seems to have a vast portion of his brain reserved for this.)

This book has been a GODSEND.

It's helping me understand him and have more compassion for him. Maybe even some forgiveness.

I'm going to visit him on Tuesday for the first time since November. A lot of mutual hurt has been created in that span but the last time, he got emotionally abusive, I simply withdrew from communicating for several days. Not in a mean or controlling way as I'd done in the past - just a simple, let me know when you're ready to get along again way.

With all the hurt underneath the surface, I don't know what to expect. Last time I stayed at a hotel but this time, I am staying with him which scares me. I know I need to work through that fear or I'm going to create with it.

I don't know if I want to open my heart to this man again. It's so much easier to deal with him when I'm not emotionally attached.

I've been feeling more like myself these past few weeks and I want to build on that. I'm not sure if I can do that in this relationship.

But if I can... .this book and group are going to be what helps me do that.

Thanks for being here for me. And my husband.

[vibratinghigher]

Hi everyone,

This is my first time here and first post. I have spent much of the past year since marrying my husband in emotional states I don't need to describe to this group. For awhile I believed he was a low-level narcissist because some traits fit and others didn't. Just last week, I was working with a new coaching client who is married to someone with BPD and showed me her copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells.

WOAH.

Ironically, 15 years ago I work at an outpatient counseling center, where my supervisor gave me all the clients with BPD because I was the only one who could handle them! Boy has it been a different situation being married to someone who does.

The emotional abuse triggered a lot of trauma from my past, which I have been working processing. We live in separate states (mainly because of this issue) and usually get along relatively well in person, because I am only there for short periods of time, with nothing competing with him for my time and attention. When I get home... .all hell breaks lose.

I realize that despite having been good at working with BPD clients all those years ago, I have handled my husband in all the wrong ways. First by enabling him by accepting his horrific behaviors as I tried to use them to foster my spiritual growth, then completing losing it and fighting him at every turn.

All the time and energy wasted fruitlessly trying to change myself, explain myself, defend myself, make him accountable, teach him better ways to communicate... .never understanding why none of it worked.

Then I got just as angry and aggressive and hurtful as he was. Maybe that was even the worst part.

I wrote a blog about some of my experiences which people have told them has been very helpful for their own relationships... .because we have risen above all our times of immense struggle. But that was all before truly understanding it. It got too difficult to write about what I was experiencing so I stopped a couple of months ago - and then he found it. As you can imagine, that didn't go over very well.

(He knew I was writing it for 1.5 years - he just hadn't read it.)

In fairness, he handled it better than he could have. Although I have a feeling I will hear about it every time he gets angry now. (Is storing things to be angry about and bringing them up months later a BPD quality? He seems to have a vast portion of his brain reserved for this.)

This book has been a GODSEND.

It's helping me understand him and have more compassion for him. Maybe even some forgiveness.

I'm going to visit him on Tuesday for the first time since November. A lot of mutual hurt has been created in that span but the last time, he got emotionally abusive, I simply withdrew from communicating for several days. Not in a mean or controlling way as I'd done in the past - just a simple, let me know when you're ready to get along again way.

With all the hurt underneath the surface, I don't know what to expect. Last time I stayed at a hotel but this time, I am staying with him which scares me. I know I need to work through that fear or I'm going to create with it.

I don't know if I want to open my heart to this man again. It's so much easier to deal with him when I'm not emotionally attached.

I've been feeling more like myself these past few weeks and I want to build on that. I'm not sure if I can do that in this relationship.

But if I can... .this book and group are going to be what helps me do that.

Thanks for being here for me. And my husband.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Vibratinghigher:   
I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your husband. I have the "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" book as well. I can relate to how reading it turns into a light bulb moment.

What were your original plans regarding living in separate states. Did you enter the marriage with any agreement about combining households?

Ironically, 15 years ago I work at an outpatient counseling center, where my supervisor gave me all the clients with BPD because I was the only one who could handle them! Boy has it been a different situation being married to someone who does.   

It is always easier to give advice or use strategy when the situation isn't too close or home. When it becomes critical to us and we are emotionally invested, it becomes more of a challenge.

  In fairness, he handled it better than he could have. Although I have a feeling I will hear about it every time he gets angry now. (Is storing things to be angry about and bringing them up months later a BPD quality? He seems to have a vast portion of his brain reserved for this.)

Writing in a private way can be a good way to vent.  Writing openly on the internet had to be disturbing for your husband.  Did you use an alias and disguise some identifying facts?

People with BPD are good at storing up everything they don't like about you or everything you ever did that annoyed them. It can be maddening.

  I'm going to visit him on Tuesday for the first time since November. A lot of mutual hurt has been created in that span but the last time, he got emotionally abusive, I simply withdrew from communicating for several days. Not in a mean or controlling way as I'd done in the past - just a simple, let me know when you're ready to get along again way.

I don't know if I want to open my heart to this man again. It's so much easier to deal with him when I'm not emotionally attached.   

You won't have time to learn communication skills by Tuesday, but it will be worth your while to Learn some of the skills. They can make a difference. Sometimes we may discover that we could have been contributing to the dysfunction.  A good place to start is by checking out the "basic tools" in the margin to,the right of this post.

Best wishes on Tuesday. Let us know how things go.

[takingandsending]

Hello Vibrating higher

I want to reiterate what Naughty Nibbler said. I am a Buddhist and also used my marriage with uBPD wife as a source of spiritual practice to the degree that I could. The two are not mutually exclusive but there was a whole lot that I needed to learn (and still do) about communication with a loved one with BPD. The communication tools, videos on validation and mostly advice on how not to make thing worse are invaluable.

Because abandonment is at the core of so many with BPD, going no communication can trigger more aggression. If possible, providing a definitive time you will re engage and then following through with it works better. Placing conditions such as "when you calm down" or "when you can be civil" doesn't work - as I learned many times over.

Mostly, pay attention to yourself, your body reactions and stress when you visit your husband. If you feel things are escalating, using the airplane analogy, put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to solve anything else. It may mean providing a validating statement like, "I can see how angry/sad/betrayed you feel. I understand, but I am feeling upset too and need a break before we continue. I am going to take a walk/go for drive. I will be back in 30 minutes and really want to talk more about this then." The. You leave and return 30 minutes later. Often a person with BPD will not want to pursue whatever the upset was when you return but if he is still pissed, you repeat the words and process of validation/disengagement/re engagement.

For person with BPD, feelings=facts. So all attempts to justify argue explain or defend a position end up being a big invalidation to them. If you find yourself doing any of the above (and you probably will if you are human), try to redirect to validate their feeling. Validating is not agreeing but just expressing that you can see what they are feeling.

This is a lot of information. I hope you are able to care for yourself during your visit and just do your best. That's all any of us are doing anyway.