Love Addict in the early stages of detachment from uBPDex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My relationship with a recent ex sounds very similar to a lot of the relationships described in this forum: There was instant and mutual infatuation, and then a dramatic shift when she became mean, distant and doubtful about the sustainability of our love (and Love, in general), after a couple months. She was extremely sensitive to criticism of any sort, and there were three or four instances where she had intense emotional reactions to, what I considered to be, minor provocations (e.g., after I suggested that we spend a weekend night apart because we couldn’t agree on what to do, she broke into tears and was convinced that I wanted to break up with her; she became furious after I had a 10-minute discussion about books with a female friend of hers at a group lunch, and proclaimed that we (my ex and I), didn’t have anything in common and that I should date her friend instead).

Her unrelenting infatuation with me hadn't waned much going into month two, but she had started to casually mention detailed anecdotes regarding sexual experiences she'd had with past partners. When I told her that hearing detailed accounts of her sexual past bothered me - unless those experiences were relevant to our relationship (i.e., sexual trauma, realizations about what she did or didn't like) - she became really angry and accused me of slut-shaming and forcing her to hide a significant part of her identity from me. During the last month, her feelings for me would shift dramatically  - she would tell me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever, but that our intimacy scared her and at times it made her hate me - and we broke up shortly after she abruptly announced that she wanted to have an open relationship.

During the first month after we broke up, she reached out a couple times to see if I was interested in hanging out. I initially agreed to see her, but was vague about when I’d be available because I wasn’t sure if seeing her was a good idea and I felt like it would be painful to see her so soon after breaking up. I think my hesitation made her angry, because I haven’t heard from her in a couple weeks.

My ex has never been diagnosed as having BPD, but that’s only because she’s strongly averse to therapy and psychological evaluation. From the research I’ve done, she definitely has the history and symptoms, though. Her parents were not affectionate with each other or with her, and after they had an extremely bitter divorce, they basically abandoned my ex and her two siblings and retreated into alcoholism and isolation. This divorce coincided with my ex's boyfriend of three years committing suicide after she broke up with him. She was blamed by her family and their greater community for her ex-boyfriend's death, so she fled her hometown and wandered the country for five years. Since that time, it sounds like she has had a string of turbulent relationships with depressive addicts/alcoholics.

My situation may be a little unusual because I identify as an Addict (and a textbook Scorpio), and along with drugs and alcohol, I believe I am very much addicted to love and relationships. I joined a 12-step program shortly after we broke up (a month-and-a-half ago), and I am consciously trying to understand and recover from my addictive inclinations. So far, I’ve managed to stay sober and refrain from seeing or contacting my ex, but it’s been tough because I still think about her obsessively. Fortunately, the heartache and jealousy have softened, but she is still at the forefront of my thinking throughout the day. I’m convinced that having any sort of relationship with her will invariably cause me more pain, but in this early stage of detachment, it seems like I have an ongoing argument in my head about whether things could be different… whether my fantasy could still be realized.

I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of insight, guidance and solace from reading about others’ experiences on this forum, so I’m sharing my experience with the hope that someone else may be able to benefit from it. Any feedback or questions are welcome.

[monaco]

My relationship with a recent ex sounds very similar to a lot of the relationships described in this forum: There was instant and mutual infatuation, and then a dramatic shift when she became mean, distant and doubtful about the sustainability of our love (and Love, in general), after a couple months. She was extremely sensitive to criticism of any sort, and there were three or four instances where she had intense emotional reactions to, what I considered to be, minor provocations (e.g., after I suggested that we spend a weekend night apart because we couldn’t agree on what to do, she broke into tears and was convinced that I wanted to break up with her; she became furious after I had a 10-minute discussion about books with a female friend of hers at a group lunch, and proclaimed that we (my ex and I), didn’t have anything in common and that I should date her friend instead).

Her unrelenting infatuation with me hadn't waned much going into month two, but she had started to casually mention detailed anecdotes regarding sexual experiences she'd had with past partners. When I told her that hearing detailed accounts of her sexual past bothered me - unless those experiences were relevant to our relationship (i.e., sexual trauma, realizations about what she did or didn't like) - she became really angry and accused me of slut-shaming and forcing her to hide a significant part of her identity from me. During the last month, her feelings for me would shift dramatically  - she would tell me that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever, but that our intimacy scared her and at times it made her hate me - and we broke up shortly after she abruptly announced that she wanted to have an open relationship.

During the first month after we broke up, she reached out a couple times to see if I was interested in hanging out. I initially agreed to see her, but was vague about when I’d be available because I wasn’t sure if seeing her was a good idea and I felt like it would be painful to see her so soon after breaking up. I think my hesitation made her angry, because I haven’t heard from her in a couple weeks.

My ex has never been diagnosed as having BPD, but that’s only because she’s strongly averse to therapy and psychological evaluation. From the research I’ve done, she definitely has the history and symptoms, though. Her parents were not affectionate with each other or with her, and after they had an extremely bitter divorce, they basically abandoned my ex and her two siblings and retreated into alcoholism and isolation. This divorce coincided with my ex's boyfriend of three years committing suicide after she broke up with him. She was blamed by her family and their greater community for her ex-boyfriend's death, so she fled her hometown and wandered the country for five years. Since that time, it sounds like she has had a string of turbulent relationships with depressive addicts/alcoholics.

My situation may be a little unusual because I identify as an Addict (and a textbook Scorpio), and along with drugs and alcohol, I believe I am very much addicted to love and relationships. I joined a 12-step program shortly after we broke up (a month-and-a-half ago), and I am consciously trying to understand and recover from my addictive inclinations. So far, I’ve managed to stay sober and refrain from seeing or contacting my ex, but it’s been tough because I still think about her obsessively. Fortunately, the heartache and jealousy have softened, but she is still at the forefront of my thinking throughout the day. I’m convinced that having any sort of relationship with her will invariably cause me more pain, but in this early stage of detachment, it seems like I have an ongoing argument in my head about whether things could be different… whether my fantasy could still be realized.

I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of insight, guidance and solace from reading about others’ experiences on this forum, so I’m sharing my experience with the hope that someone else may be able to benefit from it. Any feedback or questions are welcome.

[infjEpic]

Hi Monaco

Welcome to the family!

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I'm very glad to hear that you benefitted from hearing other people's experiences, and rest assured, yours will help others also.

It sounds as though you have a high level of self awareness.
Would you have considered yourself to be this self-aware prior to the BPD relationship due to past experiences with addiction, or is this the result of new growth?

I see you said it has been several weeks since you and your BPDex have had any contact, although this appears to be more circumstantial than deliberate. I was wondering have you decided to commit to the' No Contact' approach?
If not, do you have a plan as to how you will respond to any attempts at contact in the future?

You may find some of the information in this topic helpful, concerning the 'No Contact' approach:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

So far, I’ve managed to stay sober and refrain from seeing or contacting my ex, but it’s been tough because I still think about her obsessively. Fortunately, the heartache and jealousy have softened, but she is still at the forefront of my thinking throughout the day. I’m convinced that having any sort of relationship with her will invariably cause me more pain, but in this early stage of detachment, it seems like I have an ongoing argument in my head about whether things could be different… whether my fantasy could still be realized.

Well done on staying sober.
I'm happy to hear that you feel the pain has become less intense, but you should be aware that the recovery process is not linear, there may be difficult days ahead, but hang in there! - you will get through them.

These emotions and thoughts you have expressed are extremely normal for people coming out of BPD relationships. The obsessive thinking you have described is also very, very normal.
There is some useful information in this topic, for coping with such thoughts:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Do not disheartened if family and friends (or anyone who has not experienced a BPD relationship for that matter) fail to understand this compulsive thinking.

We understand it - we've lived it and we've thought it.


At the moment, you are still in the early stages of recovery.
All of us have experienced the internal mental war you have described - questioning (hoping even) that things can somehow be different. Unfortunately, as caring people - we may often project these emotions onto others, and believe that they are feeling the same emotions as us.
This can leave us very vulnerable - when it is a disordered person we are projecting these emotions onto.
That is part of why the No Contact rule is so important - it allows us to heal, but it allow prevents further distortion and pain from being added to the mix.

Some of us struggle greatly with the loss of the deep emotional connection - to a person we feel has been abusive or worse. This causes a great deal of mental and emotional discomfort, and intensifies uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt and even the belief that we are disordered ourselves.
You seem to quite perceptive - you have identified that it is the feeling of love and emotional connection you crave - not your BPDex.
Just know that you will easily surpass these feelings in the future, in a healthy relationship.

All of these thoughts and emotions are difficult to endure, but they part of our roadmap to new growth, healing, and avoiding toxic situations in the future & helping us find healthier relationships.

It's important that you give yourself time to heal also tho.

There are 2 techniques I found quite important at this stage of my recovery which I would like to share with you:
A) Make a list of all the abusive behaviour you can remember. Think as long as necessary. Get it all written down. Whenever you miss them, Read it.

B) Start a gratitude journal. Think as long as necessary. Consider all of the things you are grateful for in your life.
Consider all of the things you can do now - that you couldn't do when you were with them.


Technique A, was a technique I found helpful, when I was feeling very low and very emotional, and felt a very strong urge to break No Contact

Technique B, is a very useful technique, for when you feel as though you blood is itching from the incessant rumination. It's virtually impossible to 'turn off' discomforting thoughts - it's very, very possible to override them however with positive thoughts. It takes some practise, but it does work.

I would like to discuss some more with you, if you would like to.

[monaco]

Thanks for the thoughtful and encouraging response, infjEpic!

It sounds as though you have a high level of self awareness.
Would you have considered yourself to be this self-aware prior to the BPD relationship due to past experiences with addiction, or is this the result of new growth?

Over the past 10 years or so, I've had a pattern of getting involved with women that are emotionally unavailable, and are usually in the midst of emotional/existential crisis. I definitely identify as a Rescuer/Fixer personality type. Every time one of those relationships has ended, I've immersed myself in relationship literature, journaling and even a short stint in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, until the heartache has faded and/or I found someone else to get involved with. So my awareness of my unhealthy inclinations re: relationships has been steadily growing, but the recent break-up - and the fact that it coincided with other circumstances that put me in a state of emotional/existential crisis - has motivated me to (finally) resolve my emotional issues, and I feel like there has been a lot of new self-awareness that's developed recently. This forum has definitely been a great resource! And I've also committed to abstain from getting involved in another relationship until I feel like I'm mature and aware enough to avoid getting involved with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

I see you said it has been several weeks since you and your BPDex have had any contact, although this appears to be more circumstantial than deliberate. I was wondering have you decided to commit to the' No Contact' approach?

Yes, I have decided to commit to No Contact. The accounts I've read on here that have the described the benefits of going NC, and the consequences of breaking NC, have convinced me that NC is the best approach for recovery.

There are 2 techniques I found quite important at this stage of my recovery which I would like to share with you:
A) Make a list of all the abusive behaviour you can remember. Think as long as necessary. Get it all written down. Whenever you miss them, Read it.

B) Start a gratitude journal. Think as long as necessary. Consider all of the things you are grateful for in your life.
Consider all of the things you can do now - that you couldn't do when you were with them.

Great suggestions! I've implemented both in my current round of heartbreak journaling, and they've both helped to clarify my perspective on why I'm better off post-BPD-relationship, and why I have a lot of reasons to feel happy and hopeful regardless of how bad I might feel in the moment.

I would like to discuss some more with you, if you would like to.

Sure, what else would you like to discuss?