Reading things about all this on this forum is making me worse?

[noideaforname]

i mean, like a lot of people here my history is like 90% of what i read here but... .

the more i read things and associate with them, my memories are changing and i start feeling that i was wrong on some situation and she was right... .i read about other r/s here and my brain kinda rewrite my memories?

should i just stop reading about BPD so i can stop thinking on expectations and start thinking of facts?

[once removed]

the more i read things and associate with them, my memories are changing and i start feeling that i was wrong on some situation and she was right... .i read about other r/s here and my brain kinda rewrite my memories?

can you elaborate on this?

[Kelli Cornett]

Well it takes two. None of us are perfect. If anything you can look at it and hope you don't do it to the next partner.

[SuperJew82]

Sometimes the stories I read are soo similar that I can have mini PTSD flashbacks... .and that's no good. It happened at first but now I am revisiting all the horrible things that were done to me and opening up my eyes to the reality of the situation. The longer I stay no contact, the clearer I see things actually were. I'm getting back to my old self after a year and a half of torment with my diagnosed BPD gf. I'm out 2 months NC and doing much better.

It hurts sometimes to confront things, but I think it's part of the process.

I used to have compassion and feel sorry for them. Now, I see them as something to be feared and avoided at all cost. If I got bit swimming in a shark tank, I wouldn't call the sharks evil. Sharks will do what they were born to do. This is why if you see a fin swimming through the water at the beach, you should get out and keep your distance.

[noideaforname]

can you elaborate on this?

its like... .the more i read... .more i will find myself wondering what i could have done because i had no idea about BPD and how it operates... .i mean... .i could have done a lot of things different... .i overreacted a lot of times to her overreactions because i thought it was nonsense... .

reading things here makes me think i was so wrong... .and my memories about a lot of situations are that i have done everything wrong... .

don't if that makes some sense... .my mind is not working properly i guess

[In a bad way]

its like... .the more i read... .more i will find myself wondering what i could have done because i had no idea about BPD and how it operates... .i mean... .i could have done a lot of things different... .i overreacted a lot of times to her overreactions because i thought it was nonsense... .

reading things here makes me think i was so wrong... .and my memories about a lot of situations are that i have done everything wrong... .

don't if that makes some sense... .my mind is not working properly i guess

Makes sense to me , sometimes I feel the same... .If only I had known could I have done things different?
I don't know, I tried everything anyway but nothing worked for long because she kept turning into the evil her.

[izabellizima]

its like... .the more i read... .more i will find myself wondering what i could have done because i had no idea about BPD and how it operates... .i mean... .i could have done a lot of things different... .i overreacted a lot of times to her overreactions because i thought it was nonsense... .

reading things here makes me think i was so wrong... .and my memories about a lot of situations are that i have done everything wrong... .

don't if that makes some sense... .my mind is not working properly i guess

Do you mean to say it makes you want to go back to the person? or do you mean it makes you go over things in your head again and again and make you feel bad without regretting your choice to break off?

[noideaforname]

makes me revisit things... .i did not break up with her... .
she left me and i went for her a lot of times already... .
according to her we have nothing in common, and her feelings for me are zero

so it was not up to me actually... .i can't do nothing but accept she doesn't want to be with me... .

but its hard because i will se her every day at the university... .we major at the same thing... .
and i will have to act like its ok... .

so i end up revisiting all the situations but i know in a rational way that revisiting this will change nothing and i could get more use off chewing bubble gum than doing this

[balletomane]

its like... .the more i read... .more i will find myself wondering what i could have done because i had no idea about BPD and how it operates... .i mean... .i could have done a lot of things different... .i overreacted a lot of times to her overreactions because i thought it was nonsense... .

reading things here makes me think i was so wrong... .and my memories about a lot of situations are that i have done everything wrong... .

don't if that makes some sense... .my mind is not working properly i guess

I think that sometimes people with BPD are presented on here as if they're just a disorder on legs and nothing else. Given the level of anger and pain people are experiencing, that is natural, but it isn't helpful if you start analysing your ex-partner's every word and movement in the light of what you read online about BPD (and there are a lot of generalisations and urban myths about it). It definitely isn't helpful to start second-guessing how you behaved and wondering if you could have saved the relationship if only you'd done X instead of Y. I used to do that too. I was convinced that the responsibility for the success of the relationship lay on me, and that if I worked hard enough, I could 'rescue' my ex from his problems and make him happy. But relationships take two. In that sense, it doesn't matter if my ex's problems were all down to BPD or not; all that mattered is that he wasn't taking responsibility for his side of things, and so we were in an unequal arrangement that was never going to work out no matter what I did.

Secondly, in any good loving happy relationship, it is OK to make mistakes sometimes and to react less than perfectly to your partner. When that happens, you listen to your partner when they explain why they got upset, you apologise, and you move on together. A healthy relationship isn't a perfect relationship where nothing at all ever goes wrong, it's one where each person listens to and respects their partner. I used to obsess over exactly what to say and how to act around my BPD ex so that he wouldn't blow up, because once you got something wrong, that was it. There would be hell to pay. The problem wasn't that I never found the magical 'right words' to stop the explosions. The problem was that my relationship felt like a deadly game of Minesweeper, and I rarely hit the pause button long enough to ask, "Is this how a relationship is supposed to look?" You could not have single-handedly made your relationship work, no matter how many strategies and ideas you read online. It is impossible.

Finally, I very rarely post on  bpdfamily now because I've made my peace and I've moved on. I imagine that this is why a lot of members stop posting, so it means that you're looking at a skewed sample of people. When I was dropping weight because misery made it impossible to eat anything, I could barely sleep, and I was dissolving into tears in the street, I was posting here multiple times a day. Now I don't come here every day to say, "I'm no longer depressed, I'm happy and busy, and my ex and what he did are no longer a source of consuming pain." Remember that on the forum you will see a lot of hurt, as that's when people are most likely to seek support, and so you are probably getting perspectives from people who are at very specific stages in their healing. Those perspectives can be very helpful, but they don't provide the whole picture, and you mustn't treat them as the be-all and end-all guide to life after a BPD relationship. It might help to use support forums with that in mind.

[heartandwhole]

Hi noideaforaname,

It's a common feeling that you are experiencing, and I'm sorry it hurts. I think most of here have felt that way—I know I did.  

In my experience, it's a lot more complicated than "I could have done better." These relationships blow up because of the unique "loaded" dynamic that plays out. As hard as it to process the grief right now, it's the best thing you can do. Because once you get through it, you'll be in a better position to have the kind of relationships that you want.

Your post reminds me of the 10 Beliefs that can keep us stuck. Very normal, very understandable after a breakup like this. But with time and self-inquiry, we get clearer vision and suddenly we don't believe or want what we thought we did before... .

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your “BPD” partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing. The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either. This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

Have you talked to a counselor or therapist about this? Are friends and family supportive?

heartandwhole

[FallenOne]

i could have done a lot of things different... .i overreacted a lot of times to her overreactions because i thought it was nonsense... .

reading things here makes me think i was so wrong... .and my memories about a lot of situations are that i have done everything wrong... .

I literally made a post about a month ago on this same forum saying the SAME EXACT THING. I overreacted to her overreactions... And, sometimes I did... Other times I did not.

Do you know what advice I was given about this? I was told that I reacted naturally to the situations that I was in at the time. And, that's what you did. How many "normal" people are accustomed to irrational arguments and being raged at? I know I wasn't. I had never experienced that kind of anger from someone else before until it started showing up in my ex shortly after the honeymoon phase ended... I thought she just had anger management problems... I didn't know she was a borderline, and I didn't even know what borderline was (until she finally told me about it almost a year into the relationship).

How could we have known? How could we have dealt with it differently? You did the best you could with what you knew, just as I did...

If you hadn't reacted, if you had been passive, she would have seen you as a doormat and left you anyway. Arguing with them actually gives them fuel... They NEED chaos in their lives... When it doesn't exist, they will create it...

When someone gets angry with you, for no apparently good reason, it's a natural response to get angry with them... Why? Because you know in your mind and in your heart that you didn't do anything wrong and your mind is telling you to react that way, because you feel wronged... It's not unnatural and it's not a "wrong" reaction.

You need to stop blaming yourself and asking yourself "what could I have done differently?".  The answer is NOTHING. You couldn't have done anything differently.

If anything, you probably kept the relationship afloat longer by standing up to her... You had two choices. Stand up to her, be reactive, and be the "bad guy" and called abusive, or whatever she felt like projecting at you... OR... .Be passive and don't react, and then be accused of being a spineless doormat, and "you just wanna push things aside!" "You don't want to face things!" etc...

These are lose-lose situations...

[In a bad way]

I literally made a post about a month ago on this same forum saying the SAME EXACT THING. I overreacted to her overreactions... And, sometimes I did... Other times I did not.

Do you know what advice I was given about this? I was told that I reacted naturally to the situations that I was in at the time. And, that's what you did. How many "normal" people are accustomed to irrational arguments and being raged at? I know I wasn't. I had never experienced that kind of anger from someone else before until it started showing up in my ex shortly after the honeymoon phase ended... I thought she just had anger management problems... I didn't know she was a borderline, and I didn't even know what borderline was (until she finally told me about it almost a year into the relationship).

How could we have known? How could we have dealt with it differently? You did the best you could with what you knew, just as I did...

If you hadn't reacted, if you had been passive, she would have seen you as a doormat and left you anyway. Arguing with them actually gives them fuel... They NEED chaos in their lives... When it doesn't exist, they will create it...

When someone gets angry with you, for no apparently good reason, it's a natural response to get angry with them... Why? Because you know in your mind and in your heart that you didn't do anything wrong and your mind is telling you to react that way, because you feel wronged... It's not unnatural and it's not a "wrong" reaction.

You need to stop blaming yourself and asking yourself "what could I have done differently?".  The answer is NOTHING. You couldn't have done anything differently.

If anything, you probably kept the relationship afloat longer by standing up to her... You had two choices. Stand up to her, be reactive, and be the "bad guy" and called abusive, or whatever she felt like projecting at you... OR... .Be passive and don't react, and then be accused of being a spineless doormat, and "you just wanna push things aside!" "You don't want to face things!" etc...

These are lose-lose situations...

This is a very good post and makes a lot of sense, I still think I could have done more but realistically I know I couldn't.
The last time I saw my ex was after a few days not seeing her and refusing to go round to her house because phone conversations and text messages were going nowhere, she just couldn't see it from my point of view, denied everything and turned it onto me.
The last time I saw her she wanted cigarettes, I was due to pick some up a friend had got us from holiday at half price. I told her I needed a shower first then I would get them and come round, she said she couldn't wait that long and I could have a bath at hers.
She promised me on the phone and in a text she would not start any argument and we would have a nice night with a takeout.
I went to hers and gave her the cigarettes, she said thanks then instantly started screaming at me and swearing. I took the cigs back off her and stood up and headed to the door.
The verbal abuse was mind blowing and I told her I didn't come here to be abused and you have broken your promise and I've not even been here 2 minutes.
Well the screaming and shouting that followed made me snap out of disbelief and pure frustration which had built up over the last few days and now this, I kicked a vase over on my way out which I regret.
Her messages after that were about me being an angry scary violent man and I needed professional help and that she had tried but couldn't help me.
I'm only human and I snapped and I'm not proud of it but as you said it was a reaction to her insanity and verbal abuse.
It was OK for her to abuse me to breaking point but then blame me after she broke me.