I'm tired of being the one who needs to hold everything together

[xxninxx]

We've been together for a few years now and most of the time she makes me happier than anything else ever could. I don't really know why things got bad this time. Things were fine Wednesday morning, but since that night everything has just sucked. We were just talking about our days and now everything is wrong again. She's convinced I hate her, there's no place in my life for her, and that I want to leave her and am only staying to prove some point. I don't feel that way at all though. I really love her and I know she only gets this way when something makes her feel abandoned or rejected. I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what I could have done.

I'm trying to reassure her that I love her, but no matter what I say or do she just responds "okay." I'm trying not to get frustrated, but it's hard because I have so much else going on right now too. I have papers I need to write and exams to study for, and I have a job too. It's getting to the point where everything is just making me mad, but I don't even get the luxury of being able to be mad because if I don't pretend I'm fine then everything falls apart even faster.

I just don't understand it sometimes. When things are good you tell me you love me and don't see a future without me, then somethings happens--usually just a little misunderstanding--and then for days or weeks all you want to do is push me as far away as you can. I don't know. I understand that you can't help the way your mind works and how you perceive things, but I can only pretend that things are fine so much.

I feel terrible. I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm pissed off. I have to pretend I'm perfectly okay though because that's the only way she'll feel better. Things will only get worse if she knows how I feel, so I'm just fine.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi @xxninxx , and welcome to the BPD family.

I'm sorry that your post hasn't received a response yet.

I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what I could have done.

No, don't take that route. My current signature actually says, "It's not your fault". Read a bit more about FOG (link).

It's getting to the point where everything is just making me mad, but I don't even get the luxury of being able to be mad because if I don't pretend I'm fine then everything falls apart even faster.

I understand that when we try to express our emotions, they may feel criticized, and that may be a trigger. But completely repressing your emotions also won't work for you. So you need at least someone to hear you. Perhaps this board can help you if you post more.

With my wife, who has BPD, I am able to find ways of expressing my emotions sometimes and succeed in gaining empathy from her. But that was not during the hot moments at all. It was during warm and tender moments. However, with my ex-wife, who also has BPD, I think it wouldn't make much sense to share my pain, because I think she didn't care too much. It is one thing to love everything that a husband can provide and another thing to actually love the husband, like a close parent.

If your wife really doesn't care about your emotions, then things can get much worse, especially if you have kids with her. But if she does, then it may just be a matter of learning how to communicate them in a non-triggering way.

[badknees1]

Hello, I too am exhausted from trying to hold everything together. I’ve been married over 40 years to my wife who is a diagnosed BPD person.  I married in my late 20s. I was pretty immature. I had a lot of faults, a lot of baggage.  We wrongly married. I should have run away and found a normal person. Over  the last 20 years her BPD really raised its ugly head. Her  criticisms increased, her rages climbed to impossible levels. She is now a deeply depressed person, blaming me for wasted years and a sad life. You know I tore myself apart to survive and hold my family together. I became the ultimate co dependent spouse,  holding everything together, barely, but not living a life. This whole process over four decades exposed my deep faults, weaknesses,  and fears. I fought battles against myself and with her BPD behaviors. I never believed in myself and regret overwhelms me at times.  I have developed some stronger traits though minimal at best. Mostly patience. I’m almost 70 and I feel I’m only beginning to discover who I am,what my strengths are and how to resolve some issues.  Unfortunately, my wife’s not been very patient about all that. The minute I get mad, disagree with her, err in some way or I show any kind of a weakness or aging, Im scolded or called a fool. It is always MY FAULT.  This life is a very exhausting process as you well know. You’re at a point where you are emotionally and physically drained. You are broken spirited. You love this person, but its rarely a joy mostly it is an obligation.  You might want to rethink your commitment to this person before you lose your whole life.

[SuperDaddy]

Yes @badknees1 , blaming us for wasting their life is what they do, but it's such an irony, because it's the other way around. Our life would be just fine if we had a normal wife. I wonder if that's just a projection, but I'm not sure if they understand how it feels to be their partner.

In my first two relationships, when I finally got worn out of them, they blamed me for having "robbed their youth." I think part of what keeps them going into the same patterns of behavior instead of looking to themselves is the illusion that they are able to maintain a healthy relationship. They aren't. Unless they get serious help and successfully use techniques to hold it together.

But here is one thing that has called my attention in your post. You said "I became the ultimate co dependent spouse." I hope you are aware that the other person can't create that. All they can do is exacerbate your perception of your weaknesses and use them to hurt you. And everyone has weaknesses, but over time you can improve and drastically reduce them. I have done that, and today I definitely do not feel at all the weaknesses that I had in my youth. I was relatively strong emotionally if compared to others of my age, but still quite weak when compared to how I am now.