I need help My 23 year old daughter is BPD and throwing daily temper tantrums.

[knitterly]

She claims to be in terrible pain all the time even though no doctor can find anything wrong.  She lives with my husband and I and has turned our household upside down.  I take opiods for neurological pain and she begs, screams and throws temper tantrums asking for meds ever single day.  She just hit my cat who was coming over to see if she was okay.

I'm going insane and I don't know what to do.  She's been to tons of therapists and never sticks with them.  She abuses her own medications.  How do I react to her?  I've tried being kind and caring but she takes full advantage of me.  I'm very ill myself but she's always sicker.

Please give me advice.  I just don't know what to do.  Thank you so much.

Liz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Mary M and welcome to bpdfamily parenting board, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Many here relate to your post as you'll read from members posts, temper tantrums, raging - you are not alone.   

To the right  |--->you'll see tools and lessons which help us change how we communicate with our child, that helps regulate their emotional response, dysregulation and set a framework for us to help us move from reacting to communicating with our pwBPD in a different way, one that they can hear and understand. It involves learning and practicing new skills, investing in us first, these skills work well with anyone. My DD and I spoke last week and she shared with me she has learnt she requires more validation than most people. 

Is your daughter receiving Dialectal Behavioural Therapy Mary and do you have support from a family member or a friend?  Many here have found counselling helpful to work through too.

Glad you found us, small steps have worked for me and involved me stepping outside the crisis I found myself in, learning what BPD is so I could help my daughter move forward.

We are here, walking with you.  Engaging with the forum has helped my DD and I move forward 

Catch you soon.

WDx

[knitterly]

Hi Mary M and welcome to bpdfamily parenting board, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. Many here relate to your post as you'll read from members posts, temper tantrums, raging - you are not alone.   

To the right  |--->you'll see tools and lessons which help us change how we communicate with our child, that helps regulate their emotional response, dysregulation and set a framework for us to help us move from reacting to communicating with our pwBPD in a different way, one that they can hear and understand. It involves learning and practicing new skills, investing in us first, these skills work well with anyone. My DD and I spoke last week and she shared with me she has learnt she requires more validation than most people. 

Is your daughter receiving Dialectal Behavioural Therapy Mary and do you have support from a family member or a friend?  Many here have found counselling helpful to work through too.

Glad you found us, small steps have worked for me and involved me stepping outside the crisis I found myself in, learning what BPD is so I could help my daughter move forward.

We are here, walking with you.  Engaging with the forum has helped my DD and I move forward 

Catch you soon.

WDx

She does not accept that she is borderline.  She tried a DBT group and refused to go back.  No matter what counseling I find for her she lasts a few visits and then quits.  She then blames me for not trying to help her enough.

I've read all the books and have tried desperately to try the approaches I read about.  I'm far from perfect but she doesn't try at all.  I've been to counseling and the therapist told me to read the books for BPD and then told me I musn't have been following them.  I have only my husband but she doesn't treat him the way she treats him.  He gets angry at her and of course, that doesn't help.

I feel so angry today that I don't know what to do.  She takes no responsibility for any of her behavior, ever.  I'm trying to stay away from her while I'm so angry.  I feel hopeless and helpless and at the end of my rope.  She doesn't work, do any housework or help me here in anyway.  She uses threats of suicide as blackmail and once we get to the hospital she becomes a poor child being abused by her mother.

Please forgive my anger.  I feel backed into a corner with nowhere to go.  Thank you for your response.

[Gorges]

I hear you.  My daughter has used suicide threats when she is upset.  Last night she was in the emergency room.  It was the ultimate in manipulation.  She got out several hours later and it was infuriating that she seemed completely normal.  After this though, her college, understandably will not let her back without some type of evaluation. 

[knitterly]

I hear you.  My daughter has used suicide threats when she is upset.  Last night she was in the emergency room.  It was the ultimate in manipulation.  She got out several hours later and it was infuriating that she seemed completely normal.  After this though, her college, understandably will not let her back without some type of evaluation. 

Thank you for your response.  I understand exactly what you're talking about and I'm so sorry you have to go through this too.

[Mutt]

H MaryM, 



I'd like to join wendydarling and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm so sorry, it has to be difficult when you're dealing with a pwBPD and you're suffering from your own neurological pain

There's no need to apologize, this is a place where I you can share your thoughts and feelings without invalidation. It helps to validate that anger with people just like you.

I wanted to say a couple of things, a pwBPD have little to no boundaries and a poor understanding of other people's boundaries, my ex wife displays traits of BPD and I completeness understand how difficult I can be when a pwBPD are testing your boundaries and the FOG can b hard to deal with.

It took time, sure enough with the advice I received from others here about defending boundaries it became a lot easier and my ex wife respects them, granted she does test them from to time, it is what it is. Also, I learned about FOG and to depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them, it's like 180 today, the emotional blackmail doesn't phase me, it took time and practice but I stopped reacted to her. How does that sound like to you?

[Englishheart]

Hello Mary, I'm new to the Board also. I have a 21 year old daughter that has moved back home and totally understand your frustrations! That's an understatement! Anyway, I can't tell you how much the "tools" (on the right) have helped, as wendydarling suggested. Especially the validating one. I've been using this for about 2 weeks, and when I can hold my temper, and just validate how she feels, it seems to calm her down immediately. I'm sure I'm not even doing it correctly, but has really made a difference. Boarderlines WANT to know that their feelings are REAL to someone else too.
Good luck !