Sick of the Push/Pull Male BPD

[AllHeartMDG]

My ex is a a man with BPD, among other things. We've been in a relationship for four years, which has been tumultuous at best. Last year, he began seeing someone else while we weren't speaking, and he's continued to see her. He tells me that she is a home health aid caring for his father who moved in with him last year. I know that he's sleeping with her, even if that is true. I also know that she does spend time at the house alone with his father. His father is an alcoholic and on dialysis.
We've continued talking and have seen each other off and on, and I've cut him off several times. Each time I try to tell him I need to let him go, he argues and refuses to listen or speak to me. If I stop talking, he eventually contacts me. In the meantime, he continues to talk to my bff and my son. He continues to act like we are just not getting along and that's it.
I'm so confused, because I really love him and I really wanted this to work. I go to counseling and take care of myself because I know this relationship is beyond complicated. He has no self-esteem and he feels inferior to me. He's got issues keeping a job and I'm a professional with three degrees. I don't have a self-esteem problem, nor have I had issues with codependency. My therapist believes he resents me for being what he wishes to be. I just don't know.
He makes me feel crazy and it's hard to say I still want to be with this person because people don't understand why. He is sick, I know. I also know my emotions are real. There is more to him than just the negative, but the negatives are huge. He pushes me away and now I just go, but eventually he pops up and the cycle begins again. I'm tired of all of it, but I still never truly walk away. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Especially with a male BPD?

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[Meili]

While my experience was not with a male with BPD, I have experienced situations similar to what you discuss. I think that by reading the threads of others, you'll quickly see that you are not alone in what you are encountering.

It seems that most, if not all, of us deal with the push/pull. The "I hate you, please don't leave me" dynamic seems to be in play quite often.

Having a third-party involved in the situation makes it that much harder. How comfortable are you with maintaining any sort of relationship with him while he's still involving the other woman?

You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice. Learn all you can about BPD.  There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc.  The articles are also very informative. 

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[AllHeartMDG]

Thanks! I've been reading as much as possible, and my therapist actually has a lot of experience with people who have BPD. Reading helps me remember what I'm dealing with and I think support is crucial. My friends just don't understand.

As far as being comfortable with this other person in the picture, I'm not. Beyond the fact that it really hurts my feelings, it's just another way for him to keep distance between us. He adamantly denies this relationship and continues to say the person strictly cares for his father. I almost think he uses her for that, but I don't know.

He wants to maintain contact with me, but at his discretion. He alternates with being normal and just downright mean. I'm exhausted and I don't know that I can continue with him this way. I'd love to work it out, but I don't know if that is possible.

For a long time, I questioned his emotions for me. Once I realized what I was dealing with, I was able to accept that he loves me the way he understands love, which is not the normal way. When I see him, which is very infrequently, he's emotional and acts like a starving person. Then he immediately runs away, and usually ramps up the time he spends with this other woman.

During the fall, he began comparing himself to one of my coworkers of whom he's frequently expressed jealousy and dislike toward. He says things like if he had a degree, a career, clothes, shoes, etc. like my coworker, then he'd be worthy of me. He spends a lot of time, and always has, comparing himself and his life to mine. He's even stated that no one wants to see us together.

I'm attractive and receive a lot of attention from men, and all of the other women he's been with are the opposite of me. He has a history of meeting women from hookup sites. I think he's extremely attractive, but I know he doesn't see himself that way. My friends say while he is attractive, it's not to the degree that I see. My therapist believes he tries to be with me, but I make him uncomfortable, so he seeks out people in his comfort zone who he can feel superior to. She says he has no ability to believe that I really care for him.

I'm just so overwhelmed. I really do love him, but I'm at a loss as to where I can go from here.

[Meili]

The insecurities are really hard to deal with, and it's probably best for you to not actively try to convince him that he is good enough for you. To a person with BPD, their feelings equate to facts. He doesn't feel good enough for you therefore, to him, he isn't good enough for you. This could change in the future with work on his part to deal with his self-esteem issues and fears. If you try to convince him otherwise, it can exhaust you. It would be like trying to fill a bottomless well.

Learning to understand his behaviors might help you better understand these dynamics. By understanding the reasoning behind his actions, you'll be in a far better position to deal with the situation.

[AllHeartMDG]

Thanks so much Meili! You said what I've essentially said most of the four years. He has a huge void that he tries to fill with chaos, sex, and alcohol. It makes me feel so bad. I know I can't convince him to see himself any differently, and that's hard too. He says being with him is lowering my standards, and I know that's really how he sees things.
 He's ignoring me today, which I expected because we talked on Sunday and had a great convo, but then yesterday I texted him to tell him why I didn't text him back late Sunday night and he never responded. I know by his patterns, he will be with this other person tonight. I'm sad, but I've known this was coming. I just feel like I need to leave him alone for a while, but that always ends up in abandonment accusations. I know this is typical, but I feel like everything I do is wrong.

[Meili]

Yeah, it really is a tough place to be. If you chase or you don't chase, pwBPD will try to spin it so as to not deal with their own emotions. The good news is that you don't have to buy into any of it. You can just stand firm, in one spot, without chasing or running.

Where is your boundary in regards to your relationship with him as long as he has the other woman?

[AllHeartMDG]

I haven't set a boundary before now, even though I told him I was. I withdrew from the relationship a lot, but I've seen him a few times anyway. I tried to talk to him for a week and a half to explain that I couldn't see him anymore as long as things are this way. Every time he picked up on the direction of the convo, he would rant, have a nosebleed, headaches, work tasks, or something to prevent him from listening. It finally ended a week ago when he blew up at me for saying he needed to treat me with respect and hear me out. His response was that it's disrespectful for me to try to make him talk. He just doesn't want me to say it, and he thinks if I can't say it, then I can't do it. That's how reality works for him. Just like his lies are truth unless he admits to them, even if he's caught dead to rights. It drives me crazy!
He has threatened to "cut me off", but then talks for hours and goes on like nothing happened. It's too painful for me at this point, so I have to set boundaries. I'm not going to physically see him unless the situation changes. It's just hard to feel like I'm working at something by being idle. I know I can't do no contact because he gets extremely upset by it, but I am going to be completely passive.