Navigating my dad's appeasement requests

[learning2breathe]

I've spent the last two years in therapy processing the impact of BPD in three significant personal relationships--my mother, my ex-husband and my former stepson. I no longer have contact with the ex-husband or stepson, but I do still have a sometimes good, sometimes less good relationship with my mom.

I've learned how to navigate things with my mom much better for the most part, although there are still moments where I am triggered by her behaviors. The issue I have more difficulty navigating, and one that's been a regular discussion point in therapy, is my relationship with my dad when it comes to his enabling/appeasement of my mom, specifically because his enabling often involves asking me and my other siblings to participate in that enabling. We find ourselves essentially serving as his proxy in a relationship dynamic we didn't choose or agree to.

Of course he wouldn't identify it this way--I don't know if he even recognizes her BPD for what it. He sees her as "high maintenance" and "difficult to handle." My family is very religious and for him I think leaving her was never an option and the path of least resistance (appeasement) always seemed like his best path. Recognizing my resentment toward him for this in therapy this year was a big aha moment. My dad is one of the kindest, most empathetic people you will ever meet, so it's difficult for me to hold my deep love and also very real resentment toward him in the same space.

Now that I have named this dynamic for what it is, I am no longer willing to participate. But I need to figure out how to set these boundaries clearly and gently with him and my siblings. The challenge there is that my whole family knows how my mom is, and they will roll their eyes and complain about her, but for the most part, if the appeasement doesn't seem overly burdensome, they will just go along to get along. Or they'll do like I have often done in the past and try to find a way to avoid whatever the issue/conversation is altogether.

Here's an example of what this looks IRL, which just came up yesterday. My sister sent a long message to all the siblings about a message Dad had sent her. Mom is in victim mode again, throwing herself a pity party because she's the only one of our family without a college degree and that somehow excludes her from social opportunities, so she is "stuck" at home all the time. (Don't ask me to do the mental gymnastics on that one). And no one appreciates her. So Dad wants us to see if we can think of free or cheap classes that she could take to advance her education (they're low income). Also to give her a lot of compliments while everyone is home from Christmas.

I think my dad thinks these requests are benign. I think the rest of my family finds them annoying but also benign & they just don't want any drama. I, on the other hand, responded to my sister's message by saying that, while Dad has the prerogative to decide what his relationship with Mom looks like, we are all adults now and I think it's best we navigate our own individual relationships with her on our own terms.

I said it this way because honestly, deep down, I felt like if I simply said I was opting out, it would sound selfish because, I mean, how hard is it to give someone a few extra compliments? But we all know it goes deeper than that, because now I'm in the position of satisfying her emotional deficits for her.

My sister got a bit defensive (I wasn't debating with her, just saying how I planned to handle it) and basically said she was just relaying Dad's message. My brothers were both radio silent, which is typical. We all ignore the elephant in the room, despite the deep and lasting wounds we all carry from our tumultuous childhood (basically all of us are or have been in extremely dysfunctionial/unhealthy marriages).

I would love some ideas on how to communicate these boundaries with my dad and siblings both, without sounding like I just don't care. My sister has done some therapy but she's the only other one in my family who has. In some ways I feel like therapy gave me a whole new language to describe my personal experience, and now there's a translation issue when I try to talk about these issues with my family.

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

[Pook075]

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm very sorry we're meeting under these circumstances but I'm glad you found us and shared a little bit of your journey.

For your specific example, I would actually take dad's side (even though the basis is 100% off).  There's no harm in telling your mom to take a few classes, that she's smart and capable enough to get back in school.

Now, I understand you don't want to because it's not about the topic at hand, it's a 24/7 cesspool of validating needs that are never quite enough.

At their core, BPDs need to feel needed.  And almost 100% of your mom's rants aren't over schooling or whatever, they're protests that she's not feeling needed, validated, etc in the moment.  He rant over schooling probably has nothing to do with anything and she's probably already forgot about it.  Now there's a new pressing need, and tomorrow there will be another.

Here's the thing though, when you "opt out" of that conversation, now you're proving your mom's delusions inside her mind that she's actually not needed or appreciated.  So for me, it's easier to just say, "You're smart and capable, go back to college if that's what you need."  Because what could she say after that?  Either she does it or she doesn't, but it's 100% her fault from that point forward.

Because that's the thing, your mom will never complain about what actually matters.  Why?  If she said that she didn't feel needed, and you say, "Nope mom, you're not," then that would break her in ways she couldn't recover from.  So it's always something else in an attempt to receive that same validation in less healthy ways. 

All I can say is God bless your dad.  I've been there and I did the same thing, having zero clue what was actually going on (because I was too close to the situation and too all-in on marriage).  She ultimately left me in the end to have an affair, so I hope and pray your dad doesn't end up in the same position.  I can see so clearly now that I enabled so much and accepted so much that I shouldn't have, but I don't regret it since I did it out of love and faith.

I hope that helps!

[Notwendy]

I could have written your post. We all were enlisted into emotional caretaking BPD mother- and my father was her enabler. I agree with having some boundaries on your doing this as an adult, but how you go about this, and the reaction from your parents and other family members is something to think carefully about. My experience is a cautionary tale.

I had perceived my BPD mother as the one with the problem and my father as the nice good guy, victim to her behavior. This wasn't accurate. He also was a part of the dynamics between the two of them, a dynamic that was more complex than I realized. Your parents have been doing this for years. This is your father's primary relationship and focus.

Read about the Karpman triangle dynamics. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle. This helped me to have a framework for the behavior and relationships in the family. BPD mother ( and I believe this is common for pwBPD) was in victim position, Dad as her rescuer. Any perceived threat to BPD mother- real or not- the two would bond together against. BPD mother perceived people as being
"on her side" and "not on her side" and Dad would be on her side. Any distress on her part- real or not- Dad would step in to appease- similarly to finding the college classes and complimenting her as with your mother.

It may appear otherwise but Dad wants this rescuer role as much as BPD mother sees herself as victim. Your father isn't a victim. He's a part of this, even if it is difficult- he could choose to have boundaries too, but he doesn't. I eventually understood his role better when I did work on my own co-dependent/enabling tendencies- these were behaviors that I was raised with- but wanted to change.

Next, look at family systems. I don't have a specific article to post but reading about it I saw that families operate as a unit. If there's a disordered person in the family, other members take on certain roles to keep the family in balance. The roles may be disordered too- like children being enlisted as co- emotional caretakers- but they are functional within the family unit. If one person changes their role, the other members will feel discomfort. First, they will attempt to get the "offender" family member back into their role. If that isn't effective, they may then oust or exclude that family member and form a new balanced family unit. This may help explain the behavior of other family members when you consider changing yours.

I think you are on the right track with your own therapy and how you interact in relationships. I have done this too, and also with attention to enabling behavior and boundaries. All this is good work. However, keep in mind that you have had some recovery and are interacting in new emotionally healthier ways with people, you know better, but your parents, and also possibly your siblings, have not changed.

So back to boundaries- yes to boundaries but "pick your battles". I did have boundaries with BPD mother- over the boundaries that were important to me. One was that she was beginning to enlist my own children as emotional caretakers to her. She could be verbally and emotionally abusive. Protecting my own kids, and my own emotional well being was a boundary to keep.

The other was Dad's well being. He got sick and she was in charge of his care. I intervened thinking I was doing this in Dad's best interest. What actually happened was that I unknowingly stepped into the Karpman triangle, which I didn't know about yet. I also was stressed, upset myself, and emotional over the situation. I loved my father and thought we had a good relationship but the dynamics with my mother were stronger than anything else.

BPD mother disliked boundaries. She was angry at my having them. I did have words with her, something I usually avoided doing as it resulted in her reacting even more but we don't have as much self control during stressful situations. A "normal" parent would have understood that the situation was difficult for all family members too. But BPD mother, could only see the situation from victim perspective, and she reacted. Dad took her side "against" me. She rallied other family members to her side as well.

What I didn't realize until I naively stepped into this dynamic is that- the whole family system relied on each of us maintaining our roles. If we didn't- BPD mother reacted and the result, is that this increased Dad's discomfort in the relationship and he felt the need to fix it. The very same dynamic you see if your mother has an issue, real or not, she reacts, Dad becomes uncomfortable, steps in to fix it- and also enlists others to do so.

I don't regret having boundaries with BPD mother. They were necessary. I don't regret standing up for my father's well being, but I didn't realize how much of a reaction that would elicit. If I were to do it differently- it would have been with more knowlege of the dynamics in their relationship and family dynamics, and also how my own emotional reaction to BPD mother added to the drama in ways I didn't imagine.

My mother's extended family would compliment her like your father asked her too. It seemed strange to us- they'd rave about her doing what we think of as ordinary things as if she did something amazing. But there was the same imbalance in the family as yours. BPD mother did attend college but her extended family members had careers and she didn't. I don't know how aware they were of what they were doing but somehow they knew that this helped to keep the peace with her.

My best advice to you is to have boundaries but pick your battles and know that what you are stepping into when you change your behavior in the family could be bigger than what you expect. I don't suggest you continue to have no boundaries and appease your mother- but to proceed with caution.

This also depends on how close you live to your parents and how often/long you visit. Sometimes going along with the dynamics and not rocking the boat over a short visit is the path you want to take. Sometimes holding a boundary even though there will be a reaction is necessary.

You decide but know, your parents aren't going to change their pattern. Still, you have changed your behavior for the better, and are going to change the cycle for yourself, your own relationships, and that is a good thing.

[ForeverDad]

In a manner of speaking, your mother likely chose your father just for his qualities, whether they were codependence, loyalty, passivity or others.

For all you know, your mother may have had other opportunities to have other relationships but they didn't develop.  It may be that her comfort zone of behavior was familiar to her just as his comfort zone was familiar to him, and even if not, the passage of time solidified their patterns into what it is until today.

[Notwendy]

In a manner of speaking, your mother likely chose your father just for his qualities, whether they were codependence, loyalty, passivity or others.

For all you know, your mother may have had other opportunities to have other relationships but they didn't develop.  It may be that her comfort zone of behavior was familiar to her just as his comfort zone was familiar to him, and even if not, the passage of time solidified their patterns into what it is until today.

As part of learning about my family of origin dynamics, I also wanted to know more about my parents' FOOs. It's unusual that BPD would show up completely out of the blue when I began to notice it. However, her FOO would defend her so it was hard to answers. I also wondered if there was any history of abuse to her as her behavior led me to suspect it, but have no evidence of that or who might have done it.

BPD mother's dating era was more formal than it is now. The guys would pick up the girl at her home, meet the parents and then take her out on a nice date. If they were lucky, they might get a goodnight kiss but no more. BPD mother was one of the good girls.

My mother was very attractive and popular, and had her choice of who to go out with on a date. She was intelligent and had a charming social persona. So she had many opportunities.

What about my father may have predisposed him to this kind of relationship? I could find nothing about his background that could have done this. He was a genuinely nice guy, and loyal, as FD described a possible match might be. He was successful in his career. He was a good prospective suitor.

I don't know when issues showed up in their marriage. Their early years seemed fun, they went out to fun places, BPD mother could have nice things. It's possible that there was no hint of anything at the dating stage. People got married fairly quickly in their era.  As we all know though, marriage isn't all about doing fun things, kids come along, stressors like moving happens.

BPD mother was in mental health care off and on but BPD wasn't a well known disorder at the time. So when her behaviors emerged, I don't think Dad knew what was going on. I think his co-dependent and enabling behaviors evolved over time. At the heart of co-dependent behaviors is fear, and BPD mother's behaviors when she was distressed were significant enough to cause fear. He did what he thought he had to do to maintain some sense of stability.

I think at first, he did have boundaries but her reactions were extreme. It became a reinforcing pattern for both of them. He appeased her and her behaviors were less, but the appeasement reinforced her behaviors as they worked for her to have control and get her needs met. It was a difficult situation for my father- I could see that but it would also be difficult to challenge them.

One thing to keep in mind is that this pattern between your parents has been going on for decades, it's solid.

[Notwendy]

How do I explain why it's important to me to say I'm not going to tell my mom how much I appreciate her just to prop up her self worth, when it will just be this same cycle all over again next time?

Part of my own therapy was to work at being more authentic and less of an enabler so it is a struggle when asked to do/say things that aren't true, for the purpose of emotionally caretaking someone. We feel resentment when we do that.

When my BPD mother's family would get together, they'd publically praise each other and this would include accomplishments. While most women didn't pursue work outside the home in my mother's era, as times changed some women in her family did have careers. Although BPD mother graduated from college, I think she may have felt similarly to your mother in comparison.

At a family gathering, she wanted me to stand up and give a speech about how wonderful a mother she was. I wasn't refusing to give her a compliment to help her feel good. The problem was, it wasn't true. BPD mother didn't have much interest in doing the usual motherly things. We were afraid of her behavior. I knew I couldn't say what she wanted me to say without it sounding incincere, and I didn't want to be dishonest. I didn't want to refuse her request. I was willing to say something nice in my own words. That wasn't OK with her so she didn't have me say anything. Instead, her FOO got up and praised her, which also left me looking like the mean daughter who didn't.

If I were in your situation, knowing what I know now, and also how my other family members react, I would not say anything to them. Saying anything to them about how you feel won't change the dynamics, and it makes you a Karpman triangle target. That your sister forwarded the email to you all is classic triangulation too.

Boundaries are about our actions. In some cases, stating them is a part of it but- not all. Saying what your father wants you to say may not be authentic to you- but can you find something that is?

Understandable that it may take some searching to come up with something but I think if you do, there are examples of your mother's intelligence that aren't connected to schooling. For example, my mother was an avid reader. You could combine the compliment with the class suggestion "Mom you are a great reader, I bet you'd like a literature class". Your mother may not pursue the class suggestion (and even argue it)  but she wants to know you think she's capable.

You won't fix her feelings or change the dynamics but you would get through Christmas without being the family Grinch and stay true to yourself.

[zachira]

It's such a long lonely road when we have an extremely disordered family member whom most of the rest of the family enables. It is especially hurtful when this family member is a parent enabling the other parent and does not put his/her children first whether they are still children or adults. I think it is natural to long for a healthy relationship with our parents, to have parents who have empathy and respect for our feelings. It is a lifelong sorrow to miss getting warm caring validation from our parents whether we are children or adults.
Both of my parents are deceased. My father enabled my mother with BPD. I often ask myself how different my life and the lives of my siblings would have been if we had been able to be validated and recognized as separate worthy people by both our parents.
It takes time and practice to set the boundaries we need with disordered family members with whom we have ongoing relationships. With my large disordered narcissistic family, I do choose at times to correct hurtful untrue statements and behaviors when I feel it necessary to protect my well being. Other times I just let things go. It is not wrong for you want to say what you feel to your family members. The hard part is they won't likely hear what you have to say as they are so enmeshed in the disordered family system. Yet, sometimes it does help to say what we feel. I find one short sentence helps and then I walk away without engaging in any kind of discussion, as I realize the family members I am saying this to will likely not hear my point of view, though sometimes I am pleasantly surprised by the few who did get at least a part of what I am saying and just do not want to be a part of any thing that would destabilize the dysfunctional family dynamics.

[CC43]

I think my dad thinks these requests are benign. I think the rest of my family finds them annoying but also benign & they just don't want any drama. I, on the other hand, responded to my sister's message by saying that, while Dad has the prerogative to decide what his relationship with Mom looks like, we are all adults now and I think it's best we navigate our own individual relationships with her on our own terms.

My sister got a bit defensive (I wasn't debating with her, just saying how I planned to handle it) and basically said she was just relaying Dad's message. My brothers were both radio silent, which is typical.

OK, I totally get where you're coming from.  I have a fairly typical mom, but she has a habit of meddling and trying to get one of her children to do things to help prop up someone else in the family, typically the favored child at the time.  I find that habit very annoying.  IRL, a request from my mom will go something like this:  I'm worried about your brother's leaky roof while he's on vacation.  There's a storm coming up.  You need to take tomorrow off from work, drive to his house and make sure there's no leaking!  His house is going to be ruined!  I can't stop worrying until you go."  Now look, if my brother were really worried about leaking, he would have taken care of it himself, or if he needed a favor from me, he would call me.  My mother would continue her pestering:  "He can't afford to fix the roof, he's too embarrassed to call you.  Just go!"  And that's where I draw a boundary:  Mom, I love you, and I love my brother, but if he needs something, he can call me himself, OK?  (In other words, I won't be triangulated/manipulated like that.)  Sure enough he didn't call.

I highlighted above your brothers' reaction of radio silence.  Maybe, like you, they didn't want to be cajoled into managing your mom's moods or praising your mom when they felt it wasn't warranted.  They elected to stay out of it, hoping that silence is appears non-committal and non-offensive.  I think that's a very reasonable strategy.  When BPD is in the mix, sometimes I think that over-explaining is counter-productive, akin to JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain).  PwBPD have a tendency not to think about things rationally, and not to consider someone else's perspective.  Their moods are volatile no matter what you say or do.  I think you should feel confident enough to do what you think is best, and just do it, without over-explaining.  Staying out of triangulation is an example of this strategy.

Having said all that, I'm a big believer in learning as a life-long pursuit.  I think it's fantastic when people decide to go back to school or learn something new, just for the fun of it.  There are so many free and inexpensive options these days, with plenty of online classes to choose from.  Edx.org is just one example.  I happen to be learning French for free with Duolingo at the moment, for the mental stimulation and enrichment.  But I don't need praise or external motivators, because my primary motivation is learning for learning's sake.  I think if your mom were really interested in learning or taking a class, she'd figure out how to do that herself.  She could start at the local library, community center, community college, Google, podcasts or learning apps.  There are all sorts of instructional For Dummies books available; I myself have borrowed more than one from the library.  The quality is middling in my opinion, but that's an easy place to start as well.  

In reality, pwBPD tend to need constant reassurances from others.  I think they have a weak sense of self and look externally for validation.  While it might be nice to receive encouragement from her kids, I can't help but wonder if your mom has any serious intention of trying to get a degree.  She might announce her intentions just to get attention.  The pwBPD in my life does this all the time.  She'll make "announcements" about changes she wants to make, seemingly to feel a sense of purpose/identity, obtain praise and receive money and logistical support.  For her, it's the intention that matters, for example, "I'm going to volunteer in Gaza" or "I'm moving to New York."  Does she take any concrete steps to turn her intention into action?  Not that I can see.  Rather, her intention is a thinly veiled request for help.  And that's problematic, because she feels so ENTITLED.  I think she expects the universe to jump in and do all the work for her.  Thus she's bound to be constantly frustrated and disappointed when other people don't facilitate her intention, as she's not prepared to do the real work herself.  Sadly, she's all talk and no action, all wish and no work.  Does that sound familiar?

My general approach with "announcements" has been to be cautiously optimistic, along these lines:  "I can see why you want to move to New York, that sounds super."  And then silence.  No need to gush, offer help or go overboard with praise (especially for something she hasn't even done yet!).  No need for cautionary tales ("Gaza is a no-travel zone / Finding an affordable apartment in New York is extremely difficult these days.")  Why?  I think the chances are high that she doesn't do anything about it, and she'll inevitably feel like she's letting herself and you down.  If you offer advice, what she hears is pressure or condescention.  If you are cheerful, you sound insincere.  If you ask questions, you corner her, because she hasn't worked out any details yet, and she'll feel embarrassed/exposed.  In other words, if you say too much, you run the risk of "ruining" it for her.  If she offers up more information, then great, she might actually be serious.  Let her take the lead.  In other words, try to be cautious and upbeat but reserved at the same time.  You don't have to ask, "What sort of classes interest you?" because the reality is, your mom probably has no clue.  I know, it's a tightrope.  I think the more uncomfortable you are, the less you should say.  I'd advise, try to keep to topics that are superficial, like the nice weather or seasonal decorations.  Does that make sense?

[learning2breathe]

For your specific example, I would actually take dad's side (even though the basis is 100% off).  There's no harm in telling your mom to take a few classes, that she's smart and capable enough to get back in school.

I understand this take, but the issue here isn't HOW I respond to my mom but that I should be able to CHOOSE how I respond to her and what my relationship with her looks like. If she complained about the education gap to me, I might (or might not) respond as you suggest without prompting (she hasn't; I live 500 miles away intentionally and we don't talk often).

The boundary that needs set is not with my mom, but with my dad, to make it clear that I do not want to be his proxy in his efforts to always meet my mom's emotional needs. He has always placated her, despite the harm it caused us as children. Now he is getting older, and frankly I think it's harder to keep up with her because he has less energy and age-related health issues. More and more, he's "tagging in" the kids for help of this kind. And to clarify, the request isn't to simply encourage her that she could take a few classes; it's to research options that he can share with her, and, as my sister paraphrased it, to "pour it on a bit heavy" with compliments about how much we appreciate her.

One thing I've discussed a lot in therapy is how I struggle to express genuine affection with my family members, despite the fact that I do love them deeply. I do not have this same challenge with others who are close to me. One reason for this is because I feel like everything in my family is performative, as the whole family unit has adapted to keep my mom on track. She needs grand gestures and flowery expressions of love and devotion to fill the void of her own lacking self image, and my dad is conditioned to provide that. And she assumes that everyone else needs that same sort of over validation, so she has also conditioned my dad to interact with everyone in that way. If he fails to provide enough flattery or profuse gratitude to someone when she think it's merited, she will lecture him.

So now he interacts with me in that way too. We planned a 50th anniversary celebration for them this summer, and I think he thanked me about 5,236 times. After the 1,000th time, I ran out of ways to say "you're welcome." As someone who values authenticity and simple but sincere expressions of affection and gratitude, I find this play-acting utterly exhausting. But if I opt out, I'm labeled ungrateful. I truly want to have close relationships with my family and be able to express to them how I feel, but if that's ever going to happen, it has to be in authentic way. These kinds of requests make authenticity feel impossible. I know it sounds like a small ask--just compliment her. But it's a never ending cycle and it honestly feels soul sucking.

The "there's no harm in {insert seemingly benign request here}" approach is actually the mindset I am trying to sort out how to address as I navigate this. Because, in fact, there is great harm. It's once again putting my mom's needs in front of everyone else's for the sake of peace. Watching that example growing up is what landed me in an abusive and toxic marriage. How to explain the harm in something that seems so benign on the surface is where I struggle.

[Notwendy]

I agree that you should be able to choose. I chose as well. My only warning is that they can choose to react.

I did choose to have boundaries, BPD mother reacted and so did Dad. The cost to me was the relationship with my father. She rallied Dad to her side, he got angry at me and remained that way until he died.

I was treated like a stranger at his funeral. I actually didn't want to go because it would be BPD mother there and her flying monkeys. I was too upset over Dad passing to be around them. My kids wanted to go, so I went because of them.

BPD mother told her extended family to stop speaking to me and they did- for years. People I thought cared about me.

You feel ready to take this on with your new boundaries because, it's your right and your choice to end your participation in this crazy disfunction. I felt that way too, but I had no idea what I was stepping into. It was like stepping into a bull pen with a mad out of control BPD mother bull and emotionally getting tossed around.  Never in a million years did I think Dad, would react like he did to me or that family would stop speaking to me.

I can feel your resentment and frustration in your posts and I understand it. I felt it too. You want to stop this soul sucking cycle. I did too but I was naive to the consequences of doing so. Maybe it would have gone the way it did anyway, even if I had waited or had more skills in place before doing so. Just know it can happen.

[ForeverDad]

One of my lasting learning experiences was from my divorce.  Court always studiously ignored the mental health factors of divorcing couples.  It treated them as they were and did not try to "fix" either litigant.  In my own case, it was only after 8 years in and out of court for parenting issues that at last a magistrate observed that my ex needed counseling... but even then didn't order it.  My takeaway was that there is wisdom on following some aspects of that example.

Adults are not just allowed to live their lives as they choose, it's not up to us to live other people's lives.  Sometimes, though, we get so frustrated that others, especially the messed up ones, don't let us live our own lives.

Others can inform us, especially when they share information that can be helpful, but as adults we are responsible for our own lives and decisions.

[Notwendy]

I understand this take, but the issue here isn't HOW I respond to my mom but that I should be able to CHOOSE how I respond to her and what my relationship with her looks like.

The boundary that needs set is not with my mom, but with my dad, to make it clear that I do not want to be his proxy in his efforts to always meet my mom's emotional needs. He has always placated her, despite the harm it caused us as children. Now he is getting older, and frankly I think it's harder to keep up with her because he has less energy and age-related health issues. More and more, he's "tagging in" the kids for help of this kind. And to clarify, the request isn't to simply encourage her that she could take a few classes; it's to research options that he can share with her, and, as my sister paraphrased it, to "pour it on a bit heavy" with compliments about how much we appreciate her.

One thing I've discussed a lot in therapy is how I struggle to express genuine affection with my family members, despite the fact that I do love them deeply. 

So now he interacts with me in that way too.

The "there's no harm in {insert seemingly benign request here}" approach is actually the mindset I am trying to sort out how to address as I navigate this. Because, in fact, there is great harm. It's once again putting my mom's needs in front of everyone else's for the sake of peace. Watching that example growing up is what landed me in an abusive and toxic marriage. How to explain the harm in something that seems so benign on the surface is where I struggle.

I agree with all of this and have experienced what this is like. I also agree there is harm in walking on eggshells and placating/appeasing someone. I think you are spot on in implicating your father as the one to have boundaries with.

One reason I think for the many responses to your post is that- we have been in this situation, in different ways and so, we've seen the reactions to doing so. It doesn't mean don't do it- choosing to have boundaries is the emotionally healthy choice- it's the outcome to be aware of. Since I wasn't aware- this is a "what I wish someone had warned me about" post, not a "you can't do it" post.

I agree that what your father is doing isn't OK, and he's the half of the pair and the issues with your BPD mother. In this sense, he's been her co-emotional abuser by enlisting you as a secondary caretaker probably since you were very young and not considering the effect it has on you. Your feelings about this are valid and it makes sense that every time he makes this request, it feels bad to you. It does to me too. Whenever I was in a position where I was expected to emotionally caretake BPD mother, it felt icky.

I also observed my father getting older, more tired, and less able to provide the emotional careraking BPD mother required. At some point he lost his own self in this relationship. The two of them were enmeshed- one person. One will- hers. But there was more that I didn't see as I also didn't live near them, and only saw them for visits. It was when I stayed with them to help with Dad that I saw, for the first time, what it was like to be with them 24/7, and it was way worse for Dad than I imagined. I even called social services to see if I could intervene but since he was legally competent, he'd have never agreed to that and I could do nothing. This was an emotional and vebally abusive relationship and if BPD mother wasn't placated, if people didn't do what she wanted, Dad would be the dealing with that.

At this point, after decades of this, he seemed like someone with Stockholm syndrome. While to me, he appeared to be the more reasonable parent to try to reason with, in this situation, he wasn't able to be reasonable. When BPD mother wanted him to do something, she could be relentless. All he wanted in the moment was for her to stop, even if it was temporary.

I also can relate to not feeling affectionate with family members. One alternative to this is that we don't feel love or affection with people we don't feel emotionally safe with. It's hard to be authentic with people who aren't emotionally safe to be with.

Like your counselor has advised- showing up more authentically is a good thing, it's important, and I was also encouraged to do this too. It has had benefits for me personally to work on this but disordered family members may remain disordered.

You can choose how to respond to your father's request and also choose your battles. I don't see in your posts where your goal is a potential rift in family relationships that could result from this kind of boundary setting. You've had counseling and recovery but they have not. From what I see in your posts, your goal seems to be how to have boundaries and still maintain these relationships.

Mine was to maintain the geographical distance- where I could have my own space, and boundaries. I had an emotional boundary with her- kept emotionally neutral- grey rock. The choosing my battles was about deciding how much I wanted to have drama during the visit- not about placating her. In this situation, I was still choosing what boundaries to have, because if every boundary is a battle, it was about what to go to battle over.

The sad and unfortunate aspect of our relationships is that- even if I could be authentic, due to dysfunction, I don't think my parents could "see" me as who I was and it wasn't personal to me. For my BPD mother- what she saw in people was through her sense of feeling like a victim and her projections.

For my father, in his situation, anything that increased the issues for him was a last straw. And while I completely validate your experience, and feelings, I can see your resentment- and it's valid but bringing your feelings to your already ovewhelmed and possibly abused father is not likely to bring you two closer. There was a sign in my therapist's office- "hurting people hurt each other". You are hurting, Dad is hurting. Yes you can choose what to do but put that choice in context of what your overall goals are when considering that choice. How we implement boundaries can be a choice too.

We are "on your side" here and have experienced disordered family dynamics. What your father is asking of you isn't OK, and your choice is how to deal with that. You can choose and also post here for support and feedback whatever you do choose to do.