Grieving a live person

[geneparmesan99]

I am venting to this community. Some of your posts resonated deeply with me. A major caveat is I don't have an official diagnosis for my family member, but he won't really participate in counseling/discussions with providers or even acknowledge there may be a problem.

We raised my stepson for 16 years. Leading up to highschool he displayed a theme of defiance. Potty training, eating, getting him to do hygiene (brush teeth, etc.), do homework etc seemed like a futile effort. Unlike our other 3 boys, he consistently received emails home from school (elementary, middle, and high school) that were beyond normal teacher communications. We gave him the benefit of the doubt up until about 8th grade when literally every teacher in the parent teacher conferences more or less said he's a menace in class.

In this same timeframe he got suspended for brandishing a knife at another student, and also for throwing a rock through a teacher's car window in the parking lot. He swore up and down it was an accident, but I'm not sure how you accidentally chuck a rock into a parking lot full of cars. We received a text from his ex girlfriend's mom that he flipped her off at school, he swore up an down she was crazy. He aggressively started down a male adult neighbor when he was asked to leave their home. Later, we would find him texting very degrading and aggressive content to the daughter of that same household when she wouldn't go along with his "disobey your dad!" plan.

The entire time, his bio dad would make comments to my wife such as "he would NEVER do that here" and "you just need to be more strict!" The same bio dad racked up a ton of child support arrears and did not contribute to the massive medical bills this child required such as a 5k dental bill (he needs anesthesia because he literally will not tolerate normal treatment, he will flail around and scream and the providers give up). We became particularly sensitive to this hypocrisy over time from both their household and from the rest of our family who would be quite dismissive of us when we discussed our concerns that this child isn't developmentally where he should be. Therapy was a non-starter, he treats it like a game and even explicitly told his mom he would be happy to waste all her money on it.

Eventually things hit peak tension in our home. We eliminated any ways for him to get around our basic rules of "no smart phone apps if you're failing class." That included changing wifi password, finding his burner phone he brought from his dad's, adding a pin to the game console during the school week. He blew up, wrote some of the nastiest content either my wife and I have ever received, and moved in with is dad. He has refused to discuss any of the incidents with us going on over a year now. The updates we receive from the other house are generally descriptive of wild mood swings and the same difficulties we tried to articulate for years. They recently switched him from a normal therapist to a psychiatrist (because "it's not working!") and are trying Prozac. Surprise, he 'lost' his first bottle of Prozac and they had to get my wife to call the pharmacy for an exception refill. I'm validated on one hand that their house is finally seeing what we saw, but I also feel like the entire situation is completely unfair and ridiculous after we were the only ones for years to be pointing out the obvious. The harder we tried, the worse things blew up in our faces.

His only outreach now is to ask for rides. We have invited him to rebuild and heal in a safe talking environment and he had rejected these invitations. After all, everything is our fault so why should he have to do anything? We've tried to explain our viewpoint that proceeding as if nothing happened isn't healthy and it isn't healing, it's just avoidant and kicking the can down the road, and ultimately counterproductive.

The other three boys gel like we expect normal kids to gel in a communal environment. Sure there's bickering, but there are no blood feuds.

I hold out hope he will return and want to be a part of our family. I hope more that he gets his brain settled. I am profoundly sad and regretful that things have turned out this way.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

Hi, I'm so glad you found this place to share, vent ... I am so deeply sorry for your struggles with your son and for the pain you feel. You are a very caring Dad. I hope your son does get the help he desperately needs. I'm new here as well. There is so much support here. I'd suggest you seek out a therapist who is experienced with mental illness for yourself. I've done that and it's been so supportive and validating. And I agree that there is much to grieve.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Grieving and venting are common themes on this site.  I'm sorry about the troubles plaguing your son and your strained relationship with him.  I have an adult stepdaughter with BPD, and she has gotten treatment and turned her life around, but her dad and I still grieve sometimes.

I guess I have some ideas for you.  First and foremost, know that this isn't your fault.  Though your son might hurl accusations your way and say the meanest things, it's not your fault.  Alas, it still hurts.  Maybe you take a step back and marvel at how creative and intelligent he is.  Sometimes that's when grief bubbles up to the surface--when you lament the fact that he just can't seem to harness his energy and intelligence in positive ways.  You worry that he won't reach his potential, and you mourn not having a normal, loving relationship with him.  I don't know if this will help, but when my BPD stepdaughter was at her worst, her dad and I began talking in terms of having a special needs kid at the moment.  Somehow that helped recalibrate some of our expectations for her, and relieved some of the pressure of unmet expectations.  Having a "special needs" kid seemed both true and more relatable, for example in the workplace when we had to take a day off here or there to deal with emergencies.

Secondly, you need to take exquisite care of yourself, so that you're centered, calm and thinking straight if your son comes back to you.  Moreover, you owe it to your other kids to be your best self.  In fact, I think you should be modeling for all your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes taking care of yourself, enjoying hobbies and spending time with friends.  In addition, you need to pay attention to your other children, too.  I know, it's hard because the disordered son sucks up so much emotional and financial energy and resources.  But your other kids could start to resent you for that.  I'd say, if the disordered son is elsewhere, that's a perfect time to shower your other kids with attention.

Thirdly, I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD.  PwBPD believe that others cause all their problems, because it's too painful to process complicated emotions and take responsibility for any wrongdoing.  The problem with blaming others all the time is, they end up feeling they have no agency--they are rendered powerless.  For as long as the pwBPD is within your orbit, he's going to blame you for everything.  He's convinced you have to atone and change, not him.  In my experience, pwBPD need to experience the "real world" to start learning "real world" consequences and lessons, like if you treat other people poorly, they won't tolerate it.  If you're not around to be blamed for everything, maybe he'll finally hit bottom, look inward and decide to get some help.  Sadly, that's what it took for the pwBPD in my life to get some help.  Because whenever she lived with her dad and me, she blamed US for her problems.  And for as long as you intervene and prevent your son from experiencing the natural consequences of his behavior, in the name of keeping him stable and alive, you're preventing him from learning about real life.  Unfortunately, I think pwBPD are slow learners, because volatile emotions get in the way of thinking straight and problem-solving.

Right now, my husband is grieving for his adult BPD daughter.  He has gone above and beyond to help her over the years, with countless therapies, extra tuition for college (she dropped out several times), lost rent (she was evicted or abandoned various apartments that couldn't be sublet), seemingly unending logistical support (e.g. moving her in and out of various living situations), co-signing, debt payments, the works.  She has lived with us, on and off, for several years, and she's generally not an agreeable roommate, nor does she contribute in any meaningful way.  Despite all the help, she remains disagreeable and passive-aggressive.  Though she's making some headway in working some jobs, she's not really supporting herself yet.  She seems to reach out only when she needs help, leading to a purely "transactional" relationship with her.  When she gets help, she still seems entitled/petulant/very angry, and she'll quickly cut her dad off for the most part.  Though she's made a ton of progress, we're grieving that she still seems so ANGRY.  Yesterday, in an unusual moment of sharing, my husband said he was sad that his daughter continues to be so MEAN.  I learned that her brother has tried to text her, possibly to wish her happy holidays, and that she continues to block him.  My husband is grieving because he thinks his daughter will never be able to maintain a loving relationship with anyone, because she's still prone to meaness/*itchiness.  I'm sure she cuts people out of her life, thinking she's protecting herself, but what she's feeling in return is total alienation.  It's very sad indeed.  I think the chances of her visiting for the holidays are close to zero.  Maybe she'll send a Merry Christmas text, but I'm not getting my hopes up.  If she does that, I'll take it as progress.

[BPDstinks]

I love the reference about grieving....it is hard to explain to others....grieving a person that IS alive, grieving memories you are not making, I think alot about grieving (I don't know how to say it....alot of my pwBPD (daughter)'s friends are getting married and having babies) events