Still not ready and it feels weird

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been over a year now that I left. As you all remembered from my endless posting I was a wreck. Defeated, no confidence, depressed as hell, in therapy. I've come such a long way but I'm not good yet and I don't like that. I can overcome anything, and have in life but this was different. From what everyone posts, these relationships really ARE different. My brain tells me I should date around but my heart isn't there yet, not even close. I still ruminate quite a bit, I still get angry, anxious, upset that that person couldn't just have a semblance of normalcy. I get mad thinking they're out there just dating around or in a LTR and I'm still here floating. I hate everyone asking me or telling me I need to date and that I have so much to offer. Sure, I meet that whole stupid 6ft, 6 figures, 6 pack ab BS people tend to say they want these days, and even then I just don't feel 'worthy'. And it's seemingly impossible to find a traditional/modest younger woman these days as well. Possible, but obviously hard. I wasted so many years with traumatized/sick women and I know it's my fault for staying and picking these people and I just feel done. Just seems smarter to make money, stay in shape and do whatever I want but I'll admit I do get lonely and those things always feel better with someone you love.

I guess this is more of a rant/vent since I just don't feel right about life lately. I imagined a wife and kids by now. I guess a question for you all, have any of you taken a year off or even more where you didn't go on a single date, talk to a single person or entertain anything at all? Is this 'normal'?

[Me88]

It's been over a year now that I left. As you all remembered from my endless posting I was a wreck. Defeated, no confidence, depressed as hell, in therapy. I've come such a long way but I'm not good yet and I don't like that. I can overcome anything, and have in life but this was different. From what everyone posts, these relationships really ARE different. My brain tells me I should date around but my heart isn't there yet, not even close. I still ruminate quite a bit, I still get angry, anxious, upset that that person couldn't just have a semblance of normalcy. I get mad thinking they're out there just dating around or in a LTR and I'm still here floating. I hate everyone asking me or telling me I need to date and that I have so much to offer. Sure, I meet that whole stupid 6ft, 6 figures, 6 pack ab BS people tend to say they want these days, and even then I just don't feel 'worthy'. And it's seemingly impossible to find a traditional/modest younger woman these days as well. Possible, but obviously hard. I wasted so many years with traumatized/sick women and I know it's my fault for staying and picking these people and I just feel done. Just seems smarter to make money, stay in shape and do whatever I want but I'll admit I do get lonely and those things always feel better with someone you love.

I guess this is more of a rant/vent since I just don't feel right about life lately. I imagined a wife and kids by now. I guess a question for you all, have any of you taken a year off or even more where you didn't go on a single date, talk to a single person or entertain anything at all? Is this 'normal'?

[Alex V]

Hi Me88,
I get you. My wife left a year ago without saying why. I didn't know about BPD. I suspected ADD. After her departure, I desperately searched for answers. Tried to get them from her but didn't get them. Then BPD came into the picture (she wholeheartedly denied it out of the blue). I started to delve into BPD and the pennies started to drop. I understand, I think, what she is going through. But I can't help her. She is in denial. Blames me. Twist the facts. Rewrites history.
I am now (after a year) that I realize that I can't do it anymore. It feels like I've been living for 2. All accusations attracted me and keep apologizing and keeping the atmosphere good. I can't and don't want to do it anymore. I don't want her anymore (I think?). I go from anger to sadness to acceptance and everything in between.
I now also see what my part is. I have sold myself short by settling over and over again. To take the blame, to adjust. Again and again (unconsciously) avoiding things to keep the peace.
But not anymore.
My wife wants to leave. And now I'm ready and done with it. I don't want to anymore. I want a life back. I want someone who is there for me. But first I can be there for myself (and the children, she has left everything and everyone behind except the dog). And sometimes I feel like it.
We don't end up with these types for nothing. I'm examining myself. A lot of mirroring. Why do I do and accept what I do? I joined a CODA group. I am getting stronger and stronger. I'm processing a lot of old pain. Not easy but necessary. And yet I often get into suspense. We have to expire our house. I have to buy a new house for me and the children in an overstrained market. We have to do this together, but I can't bear her anymore. I have just spoken: I love her but I hate her behavior. And that's it. I am no longer willing to adapt.
Take a good look at yourself. What do you want? Why do you do what you do? Why do you adapt? Why do you soothe? Why are you not allowed there? Challenge your own beliefs. You are a beautiful person, but you give yourself away to others. Those others give you what you know, but that is not necessarily what is good.
CODA and a lot of research and a lot of talking (with people who understand you, there is a lot of reverse gaslighting) helps me a lot. And look critically at myself. I am genuinely surprised at myself that I have allowed all this for 26 years.
But not anymore. I stand up and choose people now who also want to be there for me.

Translated from English with deepl

[Under The Bridge]

People need different amounts of time to recover from anything - even a small incident like an accident in a normal life can take weeks or months to get over.

With a BPD relationship we've gone through an unprecedented load of chaos, frustration and hurt, which nobody can ever understand unless they've also been through it. So a year isn't really a long time to get us back to 'normal' yet; we'll spend a long time ruminating over what might have been. It's a tragic aspect of BPD that they treated us worse than anyone else but we wanted them more than anyone else.

Don't set yourself any time period for recovery but just try to get on with life - it will get easier in time even though it may take a long time. Just keep reminding yourself that you gave it your all but it was always an uneven match; you had rules and codes of conduct and they didn't.  You were totally worthy of her.. she just didn't have the ability to see this and respond the same way.

No harm in still thinking about her - she was part of your life after all - but see her in 'the whole', not just the good times. I still recall all the good times I had with my exBPD but I also remember the bad and I know I made the right decision to get off a sinking ship which had no lifeboats.

There are wonderful partners out there who will appreciate you so try and stay positive - I always find good things happen when I least expect them or have given up on finding them.

[Rowdy]

question for you all, have any of you taken a year off or even more where you didn't go on a single date, talk to a single person or entertain anything at all? Is this 'normal'?


Yes, it’s perfectly normal. Jumping straight into another relationship isn’t normal, which is why many pwBPD do that.

As under the bridge says, everyone is different, and everyone has a different time frame before they are healthy enough to date again. I’d just like to say I really liked the comment, you had rules and codes of conduct and they didn’t. I think that is something we can all relate to.

Personally I have been separated from my wife for 2 years and 2 months. I have been in a relationship for the last 10 months, so that was 16 months since we split up. I did start seeing someone 3 months after our split, but only lasted a month or so and was way, way, way too early.

[Me88]

Fair enough. Maybe it's the holidays or whatever. I really enjoy being someone's bf, planning dates, events, proudly taking them out and doing my best to make them happy. I have been single for a year before, right before I met the BPD ex. But I was wanting something at that point. Currently, I can't even imagine it, or honestly even trust someone. I know it isn't true, but I'm still in that 'they're all the same' mindset. Plus the pressure from every friend and family member to get out and date doesn't help. The city I live in, statistically according to publications is in the top 10 worst cities to date in. It also has the highest amount of singles surprisingly. Pretty telling. It's just so mind blowing how this last relationship just crumbled me. Although, it was the most I have ever given to a gf, I literally gave every last ounce of myself to that person, so I literally started from less than zero after I left.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey there -

I just replied to your 9/2025 post.  I’m past the expiration date, I think  but I feel compelled to also reply to your post here.

I truly don’t understand today’s world of social media and the “presentation” I feel it forces on young people.  I’m not sure how I would have coped with that pressure.

From the words in your posting history, it’s very clear you are way more than the 6’, money-making, 6-pack ab guy who would look nice in photos and sound appealing in a dating app description.  You are allowed to quiet the noise of all the “shoulds” when it comes from people outside of you telling you to date or to “get back out there”.  Only you know when you’re ready.  And maybe this time, a different and slower approach to meeting someone or making a new friend would be more appropriate for you.

These relationships are extremely traumatic and those on the outside don’t truly know what it feels like, and trying to explain it doesn’t seem to work.  For me, I questioned EVERYTHING about myself.  Everything… and the worst thing was that I didn’t trust my judgment about anything because I thought “how could I” when I had let that happen?  I had become a shell of myself, emotionally, physically, spiritually…in every way. And I felt I had nothing to offer and wouldn’t be able to discern between an honest person and another one like him.  I recognized my vulnerability, because of how vulnerable I was when I met him.  And he knew it. 

No one can tell you what to do.  But you can ask yourself about things you’ve never tried but may like to… stick your hands in a bag of clay and try a pottery class or a watercolor painting class.  Pick up a musical instrument and take lessons.  Find a meet-up group for hiking (or some other outdoor activity), or some other activity that doesn’t involve alcohol.  Take a jewelry metal-making class.  Find out what you like that you don’t know about yet.  If you live in a large city, find every free or low cost musical offering and go listen to anything appealing - broaden your interests and you’ll meet different kinds of people.  Everyone has art or music in them…they just may not know it yet.

If you don’t go in you can’t find out.  Everything starts with one small step.

Warmly,
Gems

[Me88]

I appreciate your replies. Luckily I have ZERO social media accounts. I'm in my mid 30s so it all started when I was in high school. I never saw the appeal, and still maintain it's to garner attention, which is also something I'm not wanting in a partner, attention seeking. I will also never try dating apps, I had done that only one time years and years ago and I did very well. But it just seems strange now, plus if I somehow ran into my ex on there my heart would drop...reading all the lies. I agree I need to move slower. I jumped head first into the last one since the love bombing, sex bombing and being put on a pedestal felt so warm and 'real', which I returned to her.

It's very traumatic and no on understands other than it was a bad relationship. I too questioned every single word, action, task, how I'd breathe, drive, etc. Everything was on the table for criticism and making me a monster somehow. I also became a totally different person in all ways and I'm still trying to put that back together. I'm in the best shape of my life and overall life is going well, it all still seems so blurry though.

And as far as hobbies and such I probably have far too many. I play multiple instruments. Lots of wood working. Metal work. Fixing cars. The list is endless. I do go out and do things whether it's a concert, golf, bowling league, family stuff. Luckily I'm not hiding in my house anymore. Sadly, my city isn't very large and like I said...it's on every list for highest percentage of singles, worst cities to date, and the highest rate of single mothers. It's a little rough.

At the same time, I'm not against meeting someone, however that presents itself. If I find a woman attractive and we strike up a conversation, ok. But I'm not actively looking for anything, and like you had said I feel like a total loser with nothing to offer. And I still ponder on her insults and accusations of my actions. It sort of haunts you; am I controlling, insecure, abusive, toxic? No one in my entire life has said that, so I like to think that I am not those things deep down as a whole. I'm also afraid to meet someone and worry if they're just going to go crazy again. Get me comfortable and break me down a little and then unleash the demon.

[Rowdy]

What Gems wrote, you become a shell of yourself, is something I was going to write in my reply. They suppress you, put you in your shell and make you feel worthless. I was told I’m not romantic, I’m not caring, I’m socially and emotionally inept.
I don’t know why they do this, I don’t know if it’s the things that aren’t reality they dream up in their heads that makes their emotions and thinking so dysregulated.
Of the relationships I’ve had since, I’ve learnt that I am romantic. I’m not massively romantic, but I am not devoid of it, and all emotion like I was once led to believe.
In my current relationship I have been told that I am very thoughtful and caring. I’ve learnt that far from being emotionally inept, I was just always capable of keeping my emotions in check, whereas a person with BPD view their emotions as reality.

My ex’s best friends partner works behind the bar in my local club, and he has said I have spoken to him a lot more, and have way more interesting conversations with him since I’ve split up with my wife. This is because I can be me, I am no longer suppressed by my ex. And when you can be yourself, and when you feel ready, I’m sure you will meet someone. You sound like you have got enough going for you, and you are still in your 30’s.
Imagine how much more scary your situation might be if you are 50!