My adult daughter is in crisis mode

[HeavyLoad2bear]

My adult child has struggled w/mental health issues since a child but as an adult it’s very hard for her. She was told she’ bipolar & on meds for that but she meets the BPD criteria. She’s had medium risk surgery & now everything I ever did wrong or what she felt was wrong has been told to me.  Plus she is majorly depressed. She has been extreme in saying terrible things to me; I have made the mistake of trying to justify or defend my actions of now or her childhood.  I made a mistake in handling my divorcing her father; the children were in the middle. Their dad got custody because the social worker who reported to the judge was his relative.  And I left my emotionally husband who was good to the children but cold to me for a man who showed me warmth & love. I wanted the children but lost them 50 years ago.  My daughter reconciled some when a teen; my son never.  At times she & I are close, I love her, have done financial things for her to make her life nicer though she supports herself well. It was to shows love.  When I’ve asked her to eat w/me or me & boyfriend she’s “dieting.”.  Movies-she’s tired.  Two day trip sightseeing- didn’t enjoy it-suffered it out for me.  Sometimes we are fine & I’m a good mom & person.  But if I’m in a vulnerable state she’ll pounce on me.  Now she is suffering w/physical pain & problems w/recovery everything has come out.  I know I sound like poor me (it does hurt) but my constant worries are what will happen to her, anything I suggest for physical health like calling the surgeon to get answers & help are ignored. I know her childhood after she wasn’t with me wasn’t good, I’m sure it hurt mind. I never wanted to lose them. I feel guilty for the way the divorce went but I couldn’t stay.w/her dad.  My time since this started has been absorbed w/texting her to let her know I love her, I look online for answers & read a book about BPD.  I’m feeling now I shouldn’t.be  paying for mistakes by seeing her suffering.  I feel very guilting for trying to disengage & I know other adult children of divorce who at least have relationships w/bothbparrnts.  Is my divorce the cause of her bad depression?  What can I do?   I want her to be stable & well. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders