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My ex was/is accusing me of being a narcissist, I know that projecting is a thing, but I guess I am wondering if anyone else has been so inundated with the projection that they believe, or almost believe the things projected on to them?
This is all too common.
In my case, BPDxw was constantly accusing me of having an affair, of lusting after other women, or of just "liking another woman in that way." I never caught her having an affair, or had any evidence of it, so I don't know if this was projection for her own bad behavior, or if she just wanted to cheat/sleep around, and projecting those feelings and motives on to me was her way of coping with guilt.
of course, as you say below, this was only the tip of the iceberg for you, and in my case it was similarly only one of many problems. But yes, projection is common, and also I've heard about the "crazy making" aspect of BPD, where the unhinged behavior, the manipulative lies and abuse (whether emotional, verbal, or physical) tend to make the non-disordered partner feel like they're going crazy. Someone once said that BPD was notorious among therapists because they tended to see the partners of pwBPD for counseling, but not the pwBPD themselves, who are of course in denial that anything is wrong with them.
This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as what I have been told are my problems, and I sometimes struggle with denying the accusations. I know I am not the things she said, but I was told them so consistently that I almost feel brainwashed.
On top of that, with the divorce a week away I get a text today that said it is not to late to save our marriage, and she will even go to counseling. ...
After I moved out and filed for divorce, BPDxw did this same thing: i.e. she acted like she had no idea what happened between us or what could have gone wrong, but she was willing to try therapy again, and promised she'd actually let me talk and would listen this time (I guess instead of screaming at me and screaming at the therapist like all the previous times).
Don't put any stock in anything they say. They are simply too disordered to trust and their notion of the truth is "whatever I can convince you is true."
You don't know what's been going on in her life since the divorce has been proceeding; she might've found someone else, or have some ulterior motive for trying to reconcile.
Only trust what you know to be true and your own judgment. And if your judgment is faulty or you feel overwhelmed, try to find time to see a counselor to help you make sense of what you're dealing with.
Also, sit down and go through the bad times again; remember why you filed for divorce, how she treated you, and how she made you feel. This might not always been good advice when dealing with other people, but I think it's necessary when you're dealing with someone as manipulative & dishonest as a person with a behavioral disorder. They will say and do whatever they feel like they need to in the moment, but it doesn't last, and the unhealthy patterns re-emerge once they feel like the threat of being abandoned has passed
