I would love to hear back from others on how to cope with dealing with an adult male child with BPD.
Hi Doc Girl and welcome to the family!
My BPD adult daughter has followed a similar path and she was in and out of psych hospitals throughout her teens and early 20's. But one particular visit was the lightbulb moment for me because the lead psychiatrist asked my wife and I, "So, why are you here?"
We were puzzled, our kid was there so we were as well. Of course we're there. Why would he even ask that?
But he doubled down and said, "You're here because you think that by working harder than your kid, it will somehow fix her. That's a ridiculous thing to think and in many ways, it's only making her sicker."
We were both taken aback- how could he say that? But there was also a sting of truth in there that I had never even thought of before- I can't fix my kid. I mean actually, there's not a single thing I can do to make her better.
He then explained that people with BPD will be sick until they're tried of disordered thinking. But as long as the problems are mom's fault, dad's fault, the boss's fault, the neighbor's fault, etc. then there's never any reason to try to change. And by us burying ourselves in the middle of the drama and trying to fix things, we're only delaying what would actually lead to real change.
From that week forward, I no longer argued with my daughter and once I gave her life advice, I'd accept that she'd do whatever she wanted. I also finally set strict rules in the home to help out and be kind to others; if that was a problem, she could leave. So she left for almost two years, went through hell all on her own, and eventually realized that she actually needed help.
At 23, she began to take therapy seriously and by 24, she was a different person all together. Still mentally ill, of course, but she had coping skills to keep her from exploding and reaching out for support in productive ways. She apologized to me and our relationship completely changed overnight.
It's been a rough road for sure and things still aren't perfect. But I am so thankful that I finally listened to someone and stopped walking on eggshells, stopped empowering my kid to abuse me. My tying to "save her" was actually keeping her from any accountability in life and it was the absolute worst thing for her. That's on me.
Now let's talk about your situation. First, it's great your son is in another state. Let him live his best life without you, and potentially without his wife and child. It's heartbreaking, but you know what....it's good for him. Let him struggle and see the mess he created.
Stop bailing him out, and stop accepting his abuse just because he's having a bad day, week, month, or year. I know that sounds horrific, that's what I though too for so many years. It is absolutely enabling though and the absolute worst thing for a person with BPD. Let him lay in the bed he made, and let him experience his decisions firsthand. Maybe he'll finally consider that he needs to get help and maybe in time, he can reach a place where he can be thankful for what he has.
I know that was harsh and I'm sorry for that. It was harsh when I first heard it too, but it was absolutely the best decision of my entire life to stop enabling.
Question- are you still in contact with his wife and your grandbaby? Is he around them at all? Would the wife be willing to help (by supporting, but never enabling) if the situation arises?
