Daughter is high functioning, but has so much anger.

[Parents! Get help here!]

It is hard to put myself out there and discuss my daughter. She is 26 and high functioning. However, she has many anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.). My son and son-in-law are doctors and covered psych health during med school. They both realized she has BPD when studying the psychology section of school. I had thought so before, but she would and will not acknowledge it. It is always the fault of someone else. She has had relationship problems with friends, family members, and boyfriends since she was young. She can be pleasant, but can go off the rails at any minute. She feels like she is valued less than her siblings, although she is intelligent and successful. Three years ago, this older guy (6 years older) decided she was going to be his girlfriend and he would "fix" her. She was on some meds and I wanted to get her the proper counseling. However, he came "to her rescue." He has no education or training in any field. However, he has convinced her he "supports" her, even though we continue to pay for her expenses such as rent, tuition, health ins., etc. I noticed right away he has a victim mentality and that that other members of his family get preferential treatment. She never accused us of anything like that before. However, now she is also a major victim. I know he didn't cause the BPD, but I can't convince her to get any help as he is there to "fix" it. She lives with him on the weekends and has expressed her doubts about marrying him. She has been engaged for nearly three years and won't set a date. We have just went through a rough time and she wants no contact with her siblings (a brother and a sister) anymore. I think that is pretty common to be isolated from family when with a groomer. However, she is also guilty as she makes him "do things" for her constantly. She almost can't be away from him, but she attends graduate school and he can't always go be with her. My husband doesn't want to be around her fiancee because he displays no ambition and has grandiose thoughts of himself. I have tolerated it, but am just tired of the situation. Has anyone had a similar situation? I have spoken with a therapist about this in the past. I guess I need to continue.

[Junie B.]

It is hard to put myself out there and discuss my daughter. She is 26 and high functioning. However, she has many anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.). My son and son-in-law are doctors and covered psych health during med school. They both realized she has BPD when studying the psychology section of school. I had thought so before, but she would and will not acknowledge it. It is always the fault of someone else. She has had relationship problems with friends, family members, and boyfriends since she was young. She can be pleasant, but can go off the rails at any minute. She feels like she is valued less than her siblings, although she is intelligent and successful. Three years ago, this older guy (6 years older) decided she was going to be his girlfriend and he would "fix" her. She was on some meds and I wanted to get her the proper counseling. However, he came "to her rescue." He has no education or training in any field. However, he has convinced her he "supports" her, even though we continue to pay for her expenses such as rent, tuition, health ins., etc. I noticed right away he has a victim mentality and that that other members of his family get preferential treatment. She never accused us of anything like that before. However, now she is also a major victim. I know he didn't cause the BPD, but I can't convince her to get any help as he is there to "fix" it. She lives with him on the weekends and has expressed her doubts about marrying him. She has been engaged for nearly three years and won't set a date. We have just went through a rough time and she wants no contact with her siblings (a brother and a sister) anymore. I think that is pretty common to be isolated from family when with a groomer. However, she is also guilty as she makes him "do things" for her constantly. She almost can't be away from him, but she attends graduate school and he can't always go be with her. My husband doesn't want to be around her fiancee because he displays no ambition and has grandiose thoughts of himself. I have tolerated it, but am just tired of the situation. Has anyone had a similar situation? I have spoken with a therapist about this in the past. I guess I need to continue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and welcome.
While there is nothing much you can do about your daughter's relationship, you can get help for yourself.  Coming here is a good first step.  Continuing in therapy will help ,especially with establishing boundaries with her.  Does she live with you during g the week?

[Junie B.]

Thank you for your encouragement. She doesn't live with us during the week. You are right. I need to establish them and follow through. I am constantly concerned about her, but need to recognize that people make choices and there are consequences to actions. As a parents, you just want what is best for your children.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I can relate, as I have an adult BPD stepdaughter with some overlapping issues.  I'd say she hasn't been as high functioning as your daughter, but after getting intensive treatment, she's on a better path now.  Like your daughter, she obsesses over her looks--skin, weight, facial features, hair color.  She's spent significant time and money (which she hasn't earned herself) for cosmetic treatments.  At times she has been furious at her dad because he refused to pay for cosmetic procedures.  I wonder if she has a touch of narcissism alongside her BPD, as she is highly focused on looks and desperately wants to be admired.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have been focusing on your daughter's romantic relationship, thinking her fiance is a prime source of your daughter's issues.  While it's true he could be a negative influence, by my reading, most everything you wrote about sounds like classic BPD.  I'll mention my stepdaughter again, as she has every single one of these issues, even though a romantic partner isn't in the picture at all:

*anxieties related to appearance (clothing, skin, weight, etc.)
*blaming others for everything wrong in her life
*significant problems with interpersonal relationships spanning all sorts of situations and timeframes--family, friends, romantic partners, other students, roommates, co-workers/bosses
*feeling insecure and lesser than others, especially siblings
*tantrums; she can "go off the rails" at any minute, over seemingly nothing
*she frequently needs to be rescued; though she's an adult, she can't quite seem to solve problems on her own
*though she's seemingly capable, she needs others to over-function for her and pay most if not all of her rent/tuition/health insurance/car/living expenses
*victim mentality
*estrangement from family members; blocking, periods of no contact
*clinginess; demandingness for unfaltering attention
*twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim
*hurling unfounded accusations at the people closest to her

In my opinion, this has nothing to do with your daughter's fiance and everything to do with BPD.  Your daughter's choices typically aren't driven by logic, planning or foresight, but by intense, unmet emotional needs and super-sized reactions.  Indeed your daughter seems high-functioning, because she is pursuing an advanced degree and has maintained a serious romantic relationship for an extended time period.  And yet, she is beset by negativity, she has misplaced anger, and her relationships seem dysfunctional.

In my opinion, the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her powerless over her own life.  She expects everyone to change and cater to her relentless needs.  She has volatile emotional outbursts and blames others for all her problems, while she conveys her distress through verbal lashings out, punctuated by cutting people out of her life.  That thinking and behavioral pattern sets herself up for constant instability in her life.  It can lead to dysfunction, marked by a trail of bad decisions and ruptured relationships.

As a parent, what do you do?  First off, know that you are not to blame.  Second, understand that you are not responsible for your daughter's feelings--she is.  Third, you need to try to stop enabling bad behavior.  I think that pwBPD can be slow learners, because their thinking is all over the place, and mostly negative.  Further, they are used to people around them over-functioning for them, in the name of keeping them from harm.  Thus bad behavior has some perverse incentives--it seems that the more she acts out, the more attention/money/concessions/help she gets!  I think you need to start letting your daughter face the natural consequences of her decisions; otherwise, she'll never learn.  If she goes off the rails in an angry rant, disengage without blaming/JADEing and give her a time out to calm down (e.g. "I need a break and will talk later").  If she disenrolls from university, fine, you respect that decision, but she has to start making payments on her student loans.  If she breaks up with her boyfriend, fine, she'll have to find another living situation herself.  If she sets a wedding date, great, that's her choice, and you treat her fiance with as much respect as you can muster.  She's an adult, and she needs to live in the "real world" to learn how the "real world" works.  She won't listen to your advice anyway, because there's too much blame and emotional baggage there.  I'd say, for now, don't give her any advice unless she asks for it.  You see, your role needs to transition from one of provider/nurturer to cheerleader/trusted adviser, because that's what should happen when your kids reach adulthood.  In the meantime, you focus on living your life.  In fact, I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like.  How does that sound?