Regarding being discarded and making sense of it.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I was broken up with 5 months ago. It had been rocky for the last 6 months prior and every time I tried to leave my ex (quiet bpd fa attachment) would lose there mind and I would be guilted or had the kids used against me so I'd come back. The final time she broke up with me I accepted it. It hurt yes but I had to accept it for my own mental well-being and worth. Her actions since have not been typical of what someone who wants to leave someone actually portrays if the person they left accepts being dumped and moves on. Looking for some overall guidance to help with my feelings and the situation.

[BCGuy]

Hello, I was broken up with 5 months ago. It had been rocky for the last 6 months prior and every time I tried to leave my ex (quiet bpd fa attachment) would lose there mind and I would be guilted or had the kids used against me so I'd come back. The final time she broke up with me I accepted it. It hurt yes but I had to accept it for my own mental well-being and worth. Her actions since have not been typical of what someone who wants to leave someone actually portrays if the person they left accepts being dumped and moves on. Looking for some overall guidance to help with my feelings and the situation.

[Pook075]

Hello, I was broken up with 5 months ago. It had been rocky for the last 6 months prior and every time I tried to leave my ex (quiet bpd fa attachment) would lose there mind and I would be guilted or had the kids used against me so I'd come back. The final time she broke up with me I accepted it. It hurt yes but I had to accept it for my own mental well-being and worth. Her actions since have not been typical of what someone who wants to leave someone actually portrays if the person they left accepts being dumped and moves on. Looking for some overall guidance to help with my feelings and the situation.

Hi BCGuy and welcome to the family. 

You mentioned that you broke up five months ago, but her actions since then haven't been typical.  Can you explain what you mean by that?

For many BPDs, there's a push/pull dynamic of them sabotaging the relationship, telling their partners to leave, then acting perplexed or becoming enraged when they actually do leave.  That's because the goal was never to get you to leave, it was to vent their frustrations and have you fight for them.

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the crux of the mental illness.

[ForeverDad]

Over the years many have found it necessary to end all communication after a dysfunctional relationship ends.  Of course, an exception would be if there are shared children.  In that case, parenting issues would necessitate at least a minimum of communication.

Apparently you have some contact with your ex?  While that may be a nice gesture on your part, sort of basic civility, we've found that continuing contact generally can be counterproductive.

[Under The Bridge]

The final time she broke up with me I accepted it. It hurt yes but I had to accept it for my own mental well-being and worth.

That one line sums it all up. It was exactly why I stopped chasing my ex when I finally realised our relationship wasn't going forwards, as a relationship should, but simply going in a circle that repeated endlessly.

BPD's tend to take it out on those they're closest to and not really want to break up - I know my ex came looking for me after her worst outburst but this time I'd just had enough and wasn't there.

Even if you know they don't really mean it, they're still doing it and will continue to do it.. abuse is still abuse no matter how its done. It all comes down to how much you're prepared to endure to keep the relationship.

[BCGuy]

Hi BCGuy and welcome to the family. 

You mentioned that you broke up five months ago, but her actions since then haven't been typical.  Can you explain what you mean by that?

For many BPDs, there's a push/pull dynamic of them sabotaging the relationship, telling their partners to leave, then acting perplexed or becoming enraged when they actually do leave.  That's because the goal was never to get you to leave, it was to vent their frustrations and have you fight for them.

I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the crux of the mental illness.

I went strict no contact for the first month. I started getting charm attempts immediately after and attempts to make me jealous. I reacted to nothing. I came back into her life after a month for my stepsons. She tried many times to make me angry, make me feel replaced, provoke jealousy, etc. and she got no reaction from me. After 2.5 months she alienated the boys from me. She didn't get a reaction from me about this either. I had a very special bond with her sons since I didn't have a dad growing up and neither did they. I was in all terms there father without the label of being there biological father. I loved them and they loved me. The email replies from the boys became less and less so I sent a final email to them (my ex wanted me to go through her for contact with them which I refused that mind game) and I told the boys I loved them always and would always be there for them in the future. This email caused my ex to respond back through her sons email account and herself with an excuse why she was monitoring her sons email. It was clear and the tone of her reply that she didn't want me abandoning her and the boys and that they all loved me. We emailed back and forth me and her sons for a couple of days until something I said to her son must of inspired envy in my ex because she responded back within 1.5 minutes of me hitting the send button on email. She replied back as herself and subconsciously admitted her envy of me, her respect of me and how the boys respect me and only listen to me and she said love you at the end. Her response was adult level spelling skills and very familiar to her style of communication. I feel she realized immediately she had broke character and was caught impersonating her son. I didn't reply to or acknowledge this last reply.

[BCGuy]

Over the years many have found it necessary to end all communication after a dysfunctional relationship ends.  Of course, an exception would be if there are shared children.  In that case, parenting issues would necessitate at least a minimum of communication.

Apparently you have some contact with your ex?  While that may be a nice gesture on your part, sort of basic civility, we've found that continuing contact generally can be counterproductive.

Yes it became clear to me soon after the breakup (5 months ago and how I went immediately grey rock and neutral towards her) that I had to walk away. The abusive and devaluing comments got worse, attempts to provoke jealousy got worse, etc. as I reacted to nothing and gave her no response.

[BCGuy]

That one line sums it all up. It was exactly why I stopped chasing my ex when I finally realised our relationship wasn't going forwards, as a relationship should, but simply going in a circle that repeated endlessly.

BPD's tend to take it out on those they're closest to and not really want to break up - I know my ex came looking for me after her worst outburst but this time I'd just had enough and wasn't there.

Even if you know they don't really mean it, they're still doing it and will continue to do it.. abuse is still abuse no matter how its done. It all comes down to how much you're prepared to endure to keep the relationship.

100% agree and came to this conclusion myself before our final breakup(we had gone back and forth breaking up but Everytime I left her she would lose her mind or use my stepsons to guilt me into coming back). The last time she left me she left me while I was beaten down and at an extremely vulnerable and low point in my life. I knew then, 5 months ago, I would never go back. I accepted the breakup and walked away. It became clear immediately that I was thriving without her.