Help with custody trial

[MrManager]

Hi all. I’ve been divorced for about 5 years now, this community helped me muster the courage to do it, so thanks.

Might go to court to get custody of our child. Anyone who has been through a custody trial here that can help me out? Answer some questions and give some advice?

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

Quite a few of us have been through that wringer.  From what has been reported, most of our female ex's (and some male ex's) are overly attached to the children, unusually possessive and thus going back to family court to fix the court order is a challenge.  A few basics:

• Court is more like to act if the interests of the child are the focus.  Court is less concerned with the conflict between the parents.
• Courts expect bickering and assume both parents are at fault.  Try to show the difference, that you are proposing solutions, not the one fomenting divisive conflict and obstruction.
• Often the court will assume the child is used to the existing order.*
• Stick to documentation and provable facts.  Unsubstantiated claims will be viewed as "he said... she said..." hearsay and largely set aside.
• Courts generally ignore allegations older than six months, though perhaps may be acceptable to argue a pattern of behavior.
• Expect delays and continuances but try to move the case along.
• Be clear and concise.  Hearings are quite brief so focus on the most important issues first. **

* In my case, the court did make minimal changes each time back in court but was unwilling to order major adjustments.  My lawyer said it was because the court didn't want to shock the child.  My response was to say it was more shocking not to make substantial changes.  My temp orders started with my ex having temp custody and I had temp alternate weekends.  The final decree two years later was Shared Custody and equal time.  It took six more long years to get an order that worked... when I had both full custody (guardianship) and majority time.  Eight years in all to fix what was obvious within months of our separation.

** At one hearing I had prepared a list of all the issues, grouped by topic.  Only a few of the issues out of a dozen were even discussed before the hearing ended.  My mistake was I didn't list the more crucial issues first.

[kells76]

Glad you reached out again -- we're still here 

Can you remind us:

How old is your child?

What's the current parenting time schedule?

What's the current legal custody arrangement?

Do you already have a lawyer?

Any recent change(s) in circumstances?

[SuperDaddy]

Hi MrManager ,

I have checked your previous messages. You didn't express much about your concerns regarding child custody. I see you said your ex-wife "has threatened a few times to take the kid and move out of state." But I think the courts will need objective evidence that your kid feels safe with you and not with his other mom. So unless you have evidence of child abuse, I think it will all be about the socio-psychological evaluation that some professional does with each member of both families. Otherwise, it should be balanced. But if your kid is already attending school, you can use the school to do all permutations so that you don't have to meet your ex (perhaps only on school vacations). That means one day you leave at school and she gets to school, and another day it is vice versa.

[ForeverDad]

Any recent change(s) in circumstances?

There is a legal process that likely your lawyer can explain more thoroughly than I can.  The short explanation is that once a final decree is made then the court order - custody and parenting details - is considered the final one.

That is why our collective wisdom in peer support is that we more reasonably normal parents need to seek the best (or least bad) initial temp order and the same for the final decree's adjustments.  The best for our children, which of course means the best for the reasonably normal parent.  We still have to deal with the disordered parent but that's less of a priority.

But the other parent is still disordered.  And no order works perfectly over time no matter how had we try.  The way to make a subsequent change in the USA is to file for Change of Circumstances.  To make a major change of custody is a big deal, legally speaking.  Basically it says that the existing order is unworkable, why you need a greater amount of legal authority in custody and/or the parenting schedule and solutions you propose to improve a new order.

In my case we had already made use of a child psychiatrist who was the evaluator in our Custody Evaluation.  For my Change of Circumstances we used a Guardian ad Litem, a child's advocate.  Ours was a respected GAL, I was fortunate since some claiming to be GALs may be new lawyers inexperienced with resolving the parent/child relationships.

However, I noticed that my GAL and the judge tried to play both sides, so neither of us won but neither lost either.  At the time we each had equal custody and equal parenting time.  I had filed for custody as well as majority parenting time.  Well, I gained custody (guardianship) but my ex didn't lose equal parenting time.  The GAL explained it would allow ex to continue getting child support.

It still wasn't a fix but it was better.  My authority, previously disrespected and obstructed, was a bit more clearly defined.  A couple years later, after her disparagement and playing games with exchanges continued, I went back to court and got majority parenting schedule too.