Sister blaming me for her choices

[sagesamu]

Hi, I'm new here and honestly just feeling so weary. I could answer questions about my situation but don't feel like I have the energy to lay everything out right from the start. Some bullet points:

- I'm 34, sister is 32
- sister is diagnosed bipolar and c-ptsd. I'm here because *my* therapist suggested she may be exhibiting signs of borderline
- we gave free temp housing in our home for her and kids following her abusive relationship
- that timeline turned into years while she continued not to work
- we set a boundary involving rent so she'd move out but tried to make it still beneficial for her by setting funds aside in our budget to support her in future
- we started building a house for her and my MIL next door
- she stopped paying rent 8 months ago after her grand plan to go into business for herself didn't pan out
- my partner laid out his concerns about the situation in email
- she accused us of overcharging rent and being emotionally unsafe via email. Cut off all communication, said she's moving out and has to withdraw from the house plans for next door, implied that we're treating her illegally under tenant protections
- a housing lawyer we consulted said this was nonsense
- given her "communication boundaries" I didn't know how to resolve. Sent one careful email seeking resolution, offering meditation, offering to help her pay for another place, and telling her that we were working from different information
- she shut that down entirely. We proceeded to issue a notice to quit (starting eviction process) following advice from our attorney
- she freaked out and screamed and broke something the last time I saw her in the kitchen, after I just said hello
- she's keeping her bedroom door locked at all times and not coming out, only sends the kids into common space briefly and locks the door after them. Strange behavior
- she just sent an email this week explaining the painful impact of this situation on the kids that they won't be able to move into the new  house on this street (duh? We want them to live nearby hence were building them a house that she withdrew from based on her perception of a situation that we don't understand and she won't allow discussion around)

That's the story in a nutshell. There's more of course. But this is all so very very painful to try to accept. The loss , the impact on her kids and our toddler, the toxicity in the current living arrangement, the story she's likely telling our friends and neighbors about how we've been abusive to a single jobless mom with mental health issues and how THAT'S the reason she can't move forward in life, continuing to receive accusations via email that she preemptively refuses discussion around due to her "communication boundaries," going through a stressful eviction process that I know will continue to trigger her at every turn which will continue to cause her to lash out and double down... I hate all of it and I'm so, so tired. I can't believe we're at this point.

She's experienced paranoia before but she has always, always trusted me. I helped raise her and unfortunately probably have enabled her because I always believed she would be able to take accountability for her actions and path forward "once she healed" from bad things in her life. The situation here is NOT a bad thing. We have begun building a HOUSE for her, including legally enforceable protections for her as a tenant like rent stabilization written into the house trust. We gave her 1.5 years of free housing. I've lent her my car over and over. We've all supported her emotionally. We've helped raise her kids and show them how to do basic tasks and had fun with them.

This all makes no sense and I have no idea a) how to get out of it and b) how to accept it while she continues to be hostile in our living environment.
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I know I should probably let go of A but it is so hard.

[sagesamu]

I should add: she's in all kinds of therapy. I don't know what they're telling her based on her version of events. I really wish our therapists could compare notes because I suspect they're taking her perspective at face value and encouraging her to keep up these communication boundaries given her story. And really that's just leading to disaster whereas a mediated conversation could have prevented all of this. I'm guessing.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were clear answers.  Unfortunately, there's not because mental illness is complicated.

First off, good for you for taking in your sister.  Good for you for offering to build her a home nearby.  Good for you for putting up with this for so long.  This is all noble stuff, helping a sick family member.  Because that's what this actually is, she's mentally sick and not making good decisions.

Second, while you had the best of intentions in everything from part one, they've backfired due to mental illness.  What you're seeing is manipulation from your sister as she paints herself a victim in all of this.  And in some ways, she is a victim- of mental illness and being sick.  But that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to fix her or support her.

In my home, wherever I've lived my entire life, there's been two simple rules.  #1 is respect others and #2 is help out.  At any time, if someone couldn't follow those two rules, I politely, calmly asked them to leave.  Now, that might sound like me throwing them out, but that's where the boundary comes in.  Others can do whatever they want- follow the rules or ignore them.  The choice is theirs to make and I'm going to give them exactly what they want.

Your sister is sick and should not be your burden under these circumstances.  But as long as you're offering financial support, she will remain in that victim mentality and take advantage of the situation. 

The clear path here is to make your own rules and then enforce them.  She's the guest and she gets to choose what she wants to do.  But she doesn't get to stay, not help out, and bad-mouth you on top of it all.

I hope that helps!

[Pook075]

Oops, I forgot the other issue- the house you're building.  Are you too far in to back out yourself?  If so, build the house and then sell it.  That's all you can do in this situation.

Some might say to sue your sister.  I wouldn't advise that though because she has nothing for you to sue for.  You're going to spend years in court with considerable legal costs to get...nothing.  You'll win, of course, but even then you'll still lose.