Please help me not to answer

[whoboyboyy]

I've posted here a couple times, especially since 2024. My ex girlfriend I hadn't talked to initially reconnected with me after 4 years back in that October. At first she said she couldn't stop thinking about me, that she misses me stuff like that. I tried multiple times to see her, asked her if she wanted to get drinks or just see each other again because I missed her badly as well. She would agree, but then disappear for days/weeks or months. She always seemed to have a new boyfriend each time she messaged me. She has been dealing with a drug addiction and multiple arrests. The men she was with at the time had even messaged me on her phone and PLEASE READ-talked me. Last summer she moved away and I finally felt like it was over. It strangely brought me a type of peace. Again though, she messaged me last September, saying she moved back. She disappeared again after sending me a photo of us years ago. Last week she messaged me again saying she just got out of jail. She changed her status to engaged with a man who is 15 years older than us, we're both in our early 20s, well I guess i'm mid 20s at 24. Nonetheless, she has him in her profile picture. Apparently they got arrested together. I don't understand why she would message me with her new boyfriend as her profile picture, but I answered last Thursday. She just messaged me again 15 minutes ago. I've let this go on for over a year now, I've been genuine and tried to reconnect and have an actual conversation with her many times. I really do miss her. I also know I have to put myself first, out of respect for myself I don't think I can be with a girl who plays games with me and has been with 5+ men since she started talking to me. It hurts. I really did love her and I feel like by not answering I am finally ending this chapter. I know I shouldn't but I wonder how she will react, I won't lie part of me hopes it makes her want to talk to me more as I usually always answer. I think it's time I stop though, she keeps popping in and out of my life every few months but there is no substance to us. Can you guys please help me find the strength to do this? Anyone have any personal anecdotes from a similar situation. Part of why it's so hard is because I am pretty lonely. I've struggled with drinking throughout my early 20s and I don't really have friends anymore as a result. The ones I do have won't care for hearing this. I like I'm on an island here. When we dated I really thought she and I would be forever, I even tattooed her name like an idiot. It's just hard.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome back!

I've had this happen a few times in the past, maybe not BPD related, but someone from my past would linger just enough to where I couldn't completely let them go.  You have to physically move on though and cut those ties if they're too much to deal with.

If you've struggled with alcohol problems and lost several friends because of it, that's honestly the larger issue at hand.  And if your current friends wouldn't want to hear about this, then they're not exactly friends either.  It might be time to move on from there as well.

To change your life, you need to change people, places, and things.  Don't hang out with people that are doing things that get you in trouble.  Don't go to places where those types of people are.  And don't hang onto things that remind you of those people.  A fresh start moves all of that out of your life.

[whoboyboyy]

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Hello and welcome back!

I've had this happen a few times in the past, maybe not BPD related, but someone from my past would linger just enough to where I couldn't completely let them go.  You have to physically move on though and cut those ties if they're too much to deal with.

If you've struggled with alcohol problems and lost several friends because of it, that's honestly the larger issue at hand.  And if your current friends wouldn't want to hear about this, then they're not exactly friends either.  It might be time to move on from there as well.

To change your life, you need to change people, places, and things.  Don't hang out with people that are doing things that get you in trouble.  Don't go to places where those types of people are.  And don't hang onto things that remind you of those people.  A fresh start moves all of that out of your life 

It is hard I am lonely and I haven't moved on so those sporadic messages seem like all I have combined with the hope she'll want to see me. I'm trying to move on though. I also have been taking care of myself I don't drink anymore and replaced it with exercise. I made some goals I want to accomplish this year, but her presence looms over my head.

[PeteWitsend]

... Anyone have any personal anecdotes from a similar situation. Part of why it's so hard is because I am pretty lonely. I've struggled with drinking throughout my early 20s and I don't really have friends anymore as a result. The ones I do have won't care for hearing this. I like I'm on an island here. When we dated I really thought she and I would be forever, I even tattooed her name like an idiot. It's just hard.

I'd suggest you find professional help.

I also drank a lot in my 20's (and 30's) and while I was not losing friends over it, I did have drinking buddies I stopped associating with because I could see they were "problem drinkers," i.e. getting in legal trouble from drinking too much like DUIs and arrests, getting fired from their jobs because of absenteeism, or getting in bar fights and other stupid stuff. 

In my experience it was usually not just drinking that was the problem: the people that struggled with it had other issues going on... that may be true in your case. 

I don't know what else to tell you, and as far as getting over your ex, assuming the situation is as you describe, it should be clear to just about anyone that she's bad news and you should move on, so the fact that you can't see this, that you're struggling to get over someone who has repeatedly disrespected you... well to me that emphasizes the fact that you need some help to understand this.

It's not the fact that you made a mistake that's the issue here: it's that you repeatedly have made mistakes and don't seem to be learning from them.  You should ask yourself why, and get a professional to help you find a path forward. 

In the meantime, try to find ways to disconnect from these issues in a healthy way.  Is there something you like to do that doesn't involve drinking or staring a screen?  Like go for a run, walk in the woods, read, go for a swim, build model airplanes, draw, paint, etc.  It doesn't have to be a big time commitment... just try for 15-20 minutes a day. 

I myself had trouble disconnecting from screen time, and I'd find that if I could just tell myself to read for a bit first, it would often get easier.  And I'd be happier with myself and feel good that I did it.  (just as an example) and that self-confidence bump helped me in other ways too.

[HoratioX]

I've posted here a couple times, especially since 2024. My ex girlfriend I hadn't talked to initially reconnected with me after 4 years back in that October. At first she said she couldn't stop thinking about me, that she misses me stuff like that. I tried multiple times to see her, asked her if she wanted to get drinks or just see each other again because I missed her badly as well. She would agree, but then disappear for days/weeks or months. She always seemed to have a new boyfriend each time she messaged me. She has been dealing with a drug addiction and multiple arrests. The men she was with at the time had even messaged me on her phone and PLEASE READ-talked me. Last summer she moved away and I finally felt like it was over. It strangely brought me a type of peace. Again though, she messaged me last September, saying she moved back. She disappeared again after sending me a photo of us years ago. Last week she messaged me again saying she just got out of jail. She changed her status to engaged with a man who is 15 years older than us, we're both in our early 20s, well I guess i'm mid 20s at 24. Nonetheless, she has him in her profile picture. Apparently they got arrested together. I don't understand why she would message me with her new boyfriend as her profile picture, but I answered last Thursday. She just messaged me again 15 minutes ago. I've let this go on for over a year now, I've been genuine and tried to reconnect and have an actual conversation with her many times. I really do miss her. I also know I have to put myself first, out of respect for myself I don't think I can be with a girl who plays games with me and has been with 5+ men since she started talking to me. It hurts. I really did love her and I feel like by not answering I am finally ending this chapter. I know I shouldn't but I wonder how she will react, I won't lie part of me hopes it makes her want to talk to me more as I usually always answer. I think it's time I stop though, she keeps popping in and out of my life every few months but there is no substance to us. Can you guys please help me find the strength to do this? Anyone have any personal anecdotes from a similar situation. Part of why it's so hard is because I am pretty lonely. I've struggled with drinking throughout my early 20s and I don't really have friends anymore as a result. The ones I do have won't care for hearing this. I like I'm on an island here. When we dated I really thought she and I would be forever, I even tattooed her name like an idiot. It's just hard.

I'd recommend you talk to someone professional, especially since there is a history of substance abuse or something like that.

I'm also going to be straight with you, as I would want someone to be if I were in your place at your age.

What you learn from this may help you for the rest of your life, and I wish it does.

Your ex has many, many problems. It's not clear to me she's been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I'm going to assume she has the disorder or something in the same cluster of personality disorders.

She is someone who clearly is lacking in impulse control. She's grafting onto whoever is in her life at any given moment she thinks gives her what she needs or wants. Her needs could be emotional or physical at the time, but they echo each other. When she gets a temporary need or want satisfied, she either has a new need or want or the people she is with are no longer interested in her.

That's when she turns to you. You are a safe harbor for her. When she reaches out to you, she's trying to get a need or want satisfied. She might need attention. She might need affirmation. She might need to feel wanted. Whatever it is, that's why she reaches out to you. When you respond in one form or another, it satisfies that need, and she's no longer interested. That's why she goes silent and bounces over to another guy or whatever.

For you to have strength, you need to see her for what she is: a manipulator. She may or may not be conscious of her actions and motivations, but that doesn't matter. They result in the same thing, which is she has a itch, you scratch it, and then she's gone on to someone else. Every time she reaches out to you, you need to understand it's less you and more what you represent she's wanting.

That doesn't mean she might not have feelings for you. I'm not trying to be cold about this nor to discount that possibility. What I'm saying is her constant pattern of communicating and then going silent shows she's relying on you solely to soothe some issue she has at the moment.

I wouldn't want to be treated that way, and I broke it off with mine and went no contact because of it. It can hurt because if you have feelings for her, you're going to naturally want her to be in your life. But her actions are selfish, and her needs and wants will be never ending. And they are not reciprocal. She is not thinking of your needs and wants. She is only thinking of hers.

That means you have to think of your needs and wants. You have to not sublimate those to help her. You have to help yourself. Start by talking about it with a therapist. Chances are, they'll tell you to go no contact with her, as that may be best for both of you.