Support with tough decision

[Awiseone88]

Hi there - Not sure exactly how to start but my spouse has BPD Cluster B - Things have drastically escalated during the past year. I feel like I've said the same things and asked for the same things over and over again - things improve for a week and then I'm back to square one. This is 13 years in. We share a beautiful daughter. He got charged with Domestic Violence in June. Living in the same house but I know I have no romantic love for him anymore. Does anyone have any advice/encouragement or tips ? I know I need to end the relationship but am fearful of the reaction. He was once my very best friend and now a stranger I hardly recognize. While he is no longer being physically aggressive theres no care shown to me at all. I live each day feeling like a robot only here to support others.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're on this path and my story is largely the same after 23 years of marriage.

First, you need an actual plan.  Will you leave or will he?  Who's name are the bills in, the cars, the life insurance, the bank accounts, etc.  How will you divide all the other stuff?  Have you consulted an attorney and thought about finances post-breakup? 

There's a lot to actually think about and you have to have somewhat of a blueprint before moving forward.  I am not saying any of this to discourage you, but I want you to see the reality of all this.  If you're leaving, you must have all your ducks in a row.

Next, is this definite divorce...or would you consider some time apart before getting that far?

Again, I know that's a lot to take in all at once.  Start making an actual plan and figure out the hard stuff before announcing your intentions.  You mentioned he's not violent now, but that could change if you mention that you're leaving in xx days.  Once that conversation starts, you have to be ready to get in the car and leave if necessary (even if it's to have the police remove him).

You'll get advice from many different angles here so I'm very glad you found us.  Please ask tough questions and we'll do our best to give realistic answers.

[Awiseone88]

We separated for 4 months following the domestic violence. It was probably the best I’ve felt in years. I have no want to come back to the relationship. Would love to remain friendly and amicable but at this point I’m just all done. During that period of time we had discussed what we would do if we divorced. We each have our own cars. The house we could sell or I could buy him out. 50/50 custody aside from overnights as he is epileptic. We have shared bank account so a simple division would be equitable. Nothing would be able to stop being paid until we had a court order stating what we were doing with the house.

I know in terms of logistics what I need to do. I more so just need advice on not letting my guilt for his situation stop me from doing what’s best for me.

[Awiseone88]

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone I’m close to to ensure this is my decision and what I want versus others opinions. I just want to be able to have the strength to do it. I’m considering mentioning this to my aunt whom I’m close to. Someone who would support me in doing this and in a way I feel like once I’ve said it to people it kind of makes it real and something that once spoken can’t be taken back if that makes sense? I’ve been in psychotherapy for 3 months coming to this finalization and recognizing that having my own emotions and needs aren’t weakness. I’m an avid people pleaser and I want to just be happy and feel human again

[Pook075]

I know in terms of logistics what I need to do. I more so just need advice on not letting my guilt for his situation stop me from doing what’s best for me.

Thanks for the update, and I think all of us felt exactly the same way.

Here's the thing though.  Your husband is responsible for himself.  You're responsible for you.  And no matter what you do from today forward, it can't change the fact that he has untreated mental illness.  You can't save him, you can't convince him, you can't do anything in that regards.

So where does that leave you?

Option 1, you stay and "deal with it."  You're not happy, he's not happy, but you keep doing it because that's what you've always done.  On paper, it looks better for the kid...but that's not always the truth.  A happy, mentally-stable mom is what's best for the kid.

Option 2, you leave and your husband resents you for it.  But here's the thing, he resents you now...and you resent him.  Where's the downside?  He may actually get worse mentally, but that could also be the thing that pushes him towards therapy and recovery.  Heck, leaving could technically be the one thing that could actually save the marriage.

The guilt you feel is not directly tied to your situation...it's tied to years of mental strain in a troubled marriage.  It's familiar, it's comfortable, even though it makes you miserable.  If there was even a 1% chance you could "fix him", I'd be the first to tell you to stick it out.  But you can't fix him, nobody can until he's personally ready for real change.

I hope that helps!

[Pook075]

I’ve been distancing myself from everyone I’m close to to ensure this is my decision and what I want versus others opinions. I just want to be able to have the strength to do it. I’m considering mentioning this to my aunt whom I’m close to. Someone who would support me in doing this and in a way I feel like once I’ve said it to people it kind of makes it real and something that once spoken can’t be taken back if that makes sense? I’ve been in psychotherapy for 3 months coming to this finalization and recognizing that having my own emotions and needs aren’t weakness. I’m an avid people pleaser and I want to just be happy and feel human again

I agree that talking to a small circle could be beneficial...and it certainly makes it more real.  Family can't fully understand the mental illness dynamic but they can see your body language and gauge you for you.  That doesn't sound like a bad plan.

There will be some here who are reeling in pain that will tell you to run.  But mostly, you'll find people will encourage you to make the best choice for your life, and your daughter's life.  Once you begin to put yourself first, it will change so much and you'll be able to see this so much more clearly.  Talking to a friend or two is the first step in that journey.