Concerned parent and grandparent

[SilentTide]

I found this book while reading “The essential family guide to borderline personality disorder.” Our daughter was diagnosed with bipolar and BPD a year ago.
Her symptoms started as a teenager about 10 years ago. We walk on eggshells all the time and her personalities and outbursts have controlled our family for so long, that many of us are broken emotionally and even suffering physical ailments from the stress.
She has two small children, and they all live with us. We would ask her to leave if it wasn’t for the children. We are the only stability that they have. We feel stuck and alone.
We’re looking for support and any advice available. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!
You will find here a community of others who have "been there, done that" under similar trying circumstances.  We have a wealth of collective wisdom and practical approaches gained over decades.

BPD is not just an acting-out disorder impacting so many other people as well, it is the most impacting as well.

Many exhibiting Borderline traits resist normal behavioral boundaries and won't start (or continue) needed therapy to address their issues.  Their patterns of denial, blaming and blame shifting are just that strong.

While your daughter may or may not at some point in the future find a measure of recovery, don't discount the benefits that you and your other loved ones who are so impacted can find in accessing local counseling services for yourselves, in addition to the books and remote peer support found here.

[CC43]

Hi Silent,

You've come to the right place.  Let me guess, your home feels like a war zone.  Even when there isn't a battle raging, everyone is tense in anticipation of the next skirmish, correct?  I bet you're feeling at the end of your rope.  You might be operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Alas, the issues are only compounded because there are little ones involved, and yet you technically aren't their parent, so you're not the boss in your own home.  Rather, the boss is a tyrant, an emotional terrorist.  Does that sound about right?

I'd ask, what would you say are the principal issues for you right now?  Because my advice would be to start there, and focus on one issue at a time.  I think it helps to think in terms of baby steps.  Nevertheless, if your daughter is violent or destructive in your home, then I think you need to call 911 or the police, every time.  Your home needs to be a violence-free zone, for the benefit of everyone.  On the other hand, if your daughter is accusing you of being controlling/mean/narcissistic/abusive/the cause of all her problems, don't take it personally--she's just projecting her own issues onto you.  I know, she pushes your buttons, and she's likely using her kids as pawns to extract from you whatever she wants.  That's BPD, not a reflection of anything you did/are doing.  This is NOT your fault.  When you stop feeling guilty and blameworthy, it's much easier not to let her mean words get you down.  When she says mean things, it's typically a sign of her overactive emotional response to frustration and not getting her way.  Basically she's having a tantrum, because her emotional control is lacking, but it's scary because it's an adult-sized tantrum.  

My other advice would be to prioritize your own wellness.  You're no good to your daughter and grandchildren if you are a basket case, physically and emotionally ill from all the stress.  If you need therapy, get it.  If you need a break, take it.  Your loved ones need and deserve someone who feels secure, calm and level-headed, especially your daughter, because she's the opposite.  If you get "sucked in" to all her drama, you're only feeding the emotional fire.  I'd advise, try to stay cool.  Her emotions can take her on a rollercoaster ride, but you don't have to ride alongside her.  You can wait for her patiently at the exit until she gets off.