double trouble: grief & guilt

[DesertDreamer]

Hi community - just writing here to sort of journal about what's going on, for my own sake.

I asked for space from my wife, and we've been able to set that up. I'm alone for three weeks and hopefully in that time, no emotional upsets will come hurtling my way. In the stillness, I've been feeling immense guilt and grief, almost to an unbearable degree. I know this period of distance hurts her, and I know there's a strong possibility that I won't come back from it - I'm sure she can sense that. I still don't really know how to see my situation clearly enough to really evaluate whether to stay or go, but I do know that my mind and body felt at their limits.

This week I've been thinking about how intimacy between us - both emotional and sexual - eroded. I always shook off the explanation that the lack of emotional safety could've contributed. Now that I'm allowing the idea of this lack of emotional safety to come through, I don't know how I could ever rebuild it, or if I even want to, given that I'm also to expect/accept that her condition might always result in out-of-the-blue emotional turmoil. I feel so guilty for simply not wanting to do the relationship, and I feel so much grief around losing this vital partnership.