Is it common for enough never being enough for a pwBPD?

[Rowdy]

This is something my ex’s sister has said repeatedly about her, enough is never enough, she is never happy with what she has got.

Now this statement is true for pretty much every aspect of her life. From a relationship point of view, even though we would go out to restaurants quite often, it was never often enough. Not enough holidays. Not enough of me telling her I loved her, even though I’d tell her every day, or that she didn’t feel loved enough.

Not just the relationship. Businesses’ as well. She opened one business, but that wasn’t enough so she wanted another branch of that business. When a shop next door to the first business became vacant, she wanted that as well to open a completely different business. And then a local pub became vacant, she had ideas about taking that on too until I put my foot down.

Then there is stuff. We had a car, a saloon car. A fast car because she likes the thrill of driving fast. Because we have dogs, that wasn’t enough so we needed an estate car (or station wagon for you folks in the US) to carry the dogs in. And because over here we have a weeks sunshine a year, she needed a convertible as well. She also had another convertible classic car I bought her because she thought she deserved it. Not just cars, furniture as well. We lived, I live, in a small two bed semi. We had, I think, about six couches. Not enough room for them so three were in storage but still. I even had to build two extensions on our property just because the amount of furniture she would buy meant we didn’t have the room for it.

Food. The amount of food she would buy and end up throwing away, with refuse bins overflowing every week.

But the reason I’m posting this is the dogs. We have three. The last one we got about 3 months before we split up, but in those three months she was still looking online at adverts for puppies.
We were offered that puppies sister as well but I again put my foot down and said no, which is a good thing as that puppy ended up dying within a year from a heart condition. She rented a house for a year post breakup, and we shared looking after the dogs so we would each have them for half of the week. Then she moved in with her boyfriend, but would still come round three or four times a week to take them out. Then, last December she went about a month without seeing them at all. Since then she has seen them once a week for the last couple of weeks. I’d started to wonder why, as they were one of the most important things in her life. Yesterday I bumped into my brother in law (ex’s sisters husband) and he invited me round for coffee. It cropped up during conversation that she has now gone out and got two more puppies.

So is this behaviour common? And what drives it?

[Under The Bridge]

So is this behaviour common? And what drives it?

Very common.. and probably one of the main symptoms of BPD.

It all comes down to identity and security - or rather, their lack of it. They don't know who they are and can change their wants and needs literally by the minute, as their emotions dictate. We non-BPD's have some sense of who we are and what we want from life - yes, sometimes we can also change our minds and maybe make the odd rash decision but by and large we have it under control, have a plan and can follow it, whereas the BPD can't.

Hence nothing ever being enough for them, be that love.. ambition.. life goals, etc.  They'll flick from idea to idea constantly, They want things then promptly discard them, they make grand plans which fall apart very quickly as their mood changes.  In short, nothing - and nobody - is ever enough to satisfy them or make them feel secure.  Bit like someone with a hobby who flicks from one project to the next without ever completing anything.

They're constantly hunting for something they can never have and be content with. Massively frustrating for the non-BPD partner.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother had this behavior. I think it is common with BPD.

My own explanation for this is that pwBPD don't perceive their sense of discomfort as coming from themselves- an internal sense of discomfort. They project it on to something external- from victim perspective, someone or something else is the reason for it. They would also see something external as the solution. Their perceived "need" for this is intense, persistant, they have to have it because they believe that will solve their internal feelings- either their poor self image, or emotional distress, or need for affirmation.

However, the external "need" isn't enough because it isn't the actual solution. They may feel a sense of temporary relief but then the focus becomes something else they need. The needs may not make sense to us as the reason given for them isn't the actual reason. It doesn't make logical sense that someone who already has a car would "need" another one, but the need is emotionally based and emotions aren't logical.

My impression about Rowdy's ex and the puppies is that joint ownership of the puppies met an emotional need in the relationship. Maybe a way to make it feel more secure. Now that she's in a relationship with someone else- they have new puppies. The other dogs no longer meet this need for her.

It's not about the object or the puppies themselves, it's about what meets a need and if it doesn't meet a need, interest in it wanes.

[Rowdy]

My impression about Rowdy's ex and the puppies is that joint ownership of the puppies met an emotional need in the relationship. Maybe a way to make it feel more secure. Now that she's in a relationship with someone else- they have new puppies. The other dogs no longer meet this need for her.

It's not about the object or the puppies themselves, it's about what meets a need and if it doesn't meet a need, interest in it wanes.

Maybe you are right. However she monkey branched and was in the relationship with her boyfriend straight after our breakup. Whether empty nest syndrome played a part, as she likes to mother children. She would look after other people’s children as well as our own quite often when they were growing up and even wanted to adopt a friends child that was being abused. And now the relationship she is in her partner has a son the same age as our youngest but has autism, and a younger child that was 14 years old when she started that relationship (the father would leave the 14 year old at home alone over night while he stayed at my ex’s house) so I guess the amount of children can be included in the enough not being enough too.

I had a little chat with my son last night, as I’ve mentioned in my other thread the problems he had the other week and has gone away this morning for a few days abroad with his mum.

The first Christmas we had split up, she asked my son if he wanted her to wrap the Christmas presents he had bought. He told her he wanted her to, but she completely ignored them but wrapped all his kids presents up instead, which kind of relates to your last comment. I did read one of your posts recently about your mother befriending a girl a similar age to you and the way that made you feel which I guess is quite similar.

So she was supposed to go away with her boyfriend but he apparently couldn’t go so she asked our son instead. What he did say last night was that he wasn’t sure they are getting on too well and she doesn’t seem happy. She has told me in the past that his youngest son is a little [very strong expletive] and told her sister fairly recently that both his kids do her f’ing head in.
However, my son gave his youngest son a lift recently and said he seems very downbeat but a good kid. He has given up playing sports and doesn’t want to do anything any more. I asked him how he felt when he knew my ex and I were suffering from drug addiction, and he felt the same way, depressed and neglected but since splitting up with my wife we have a far better relationship, I am living a far healthier life and he is much better off living with me instead of his mother.

My fear is I am certain they are both addicted still and it is now starting to have a detrimental effect on his kids. It is them I feel most sorry for as I’m afraid they are pawns in her, or their mental illness.

[Notwendy]

BPD affects all relationships, and it affects the most intimate ones the most. Spouses and children tend to be the closest ones. Grandchildren are a step away from this closeness, and so your ex may be more attentive to them.

In this context, it would be easier for a pwBPD to maintain a more superficial relationship with people they are less close to. However, if that relationship gets closer, there may be more issues. Eventually the pwBPD may discard the relationship or the other person chooses to not continue it.

The "monkey branching" would fit this concept. You were the spouse, the other man is is a new person, she knew less about him, and so could "paint him white". Now that their relationship is progressing, the "white paint" seems to be chipping.

I would also feel empathy for the new man's children. It would be up to him to protect them.

I think one of the best things you did for your children was to become clean and sober. You've given them a much healthier father and role model by taking care of yourself.

 

[Rowdy]

Makes sense and something I’ve felt since the breakup, even before knowing about bpd.

She would actually single out three people in particular before the breakup. She pointed her finger at me, her sister and her business partner. We are the three people probably closest to her, and she would say that we were all the problem.

I got discarded for someone else, and her sister used to work for her full time, and left because she felt the ship was sinking, so doesn’t have anywhere near as much contact or interaction with her as she used to. That leaves her business partner, that has contacted me on several occasions distressed and upset by my ex’s treatment of her.

She has put herself in the situation now where I believe she is going to end up feeling trapped. I’m sure she will be trying to regulate her behaviour around the boyfriend because if he decides to kick her out she will be homeless, but I can not see her being able to sustain it.

To be honest I think he is too weak, vulnerable and self centred to put his children first, and to realise both of their toxic behaviour is having a detrimental effect on his children.

[Notwendy]

While it is natural to feel that the other guy is getting the better part of her, it's not sustainable. I also feel empathy for any child in this situation, and would be concerned too but but he's the parent, and it would be up to him to do something.

For you,  a decision is what you would do if she rebounds to you. If the new man is painted black you may be painted white again. From these boards, I have seen that recycling back to the former relationship is also common. However, you know more now than you did.

While you were able to provide a lot, when there's "not enough", no amount of money or material items might be "enough". My father was able to provide a lot of BPD mother's wishes but he was not infinitely wealthy. There was resulting financial stresses for him, and also financial damage from this kind of spending.

Being divorced, other than court mandated payments to your ex if they are required, you have control of your assets and how they are managed. If you remarry your ex, you may not have that kind of control or choice if you are meeting your wife's "needs" for excessive items.

[Rowdy]

We are not divorced so still married at the moment.

I’m aware I could well be the target of an attempted rebound. To be honest as we are still married and she is still named on our tenancy I wouldn’t be surprised as it would be the most convenient way out for her, but I gave her firm boundaries post breakup that she wouldn’t be coming back unless she had spent at least 6 months on her own and stopped all contact with the man she is currently with. That was before I even knew anything about bpd so those boundaries would now include her having to get therapy but I am in another relationship now anyway.

Which leads to another question. If she were to attempt a reconciliation, do I tell my girlfriend. I am, on the whole, happy with my current relationship. There are however a couple of things that concern me about this relationship so I feel that if my ex did try to return, mentioning it might come across as some form of triangulation.