How to heal after BPD break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

This has been a long road I'll try to make short! I met my BPD 2 years ago. She was in a relationship who she quickly left for me a week after meeting me she moved out of her girlfriends apartment. I always felt uneasy about this as I didn't find it normal how quickly she left someone she "was going to marry"so i quickly ended the relationship in which case she went right back to her ex because of my own low self esteem I felt maybe I didn't give her a fair chance so we tried again but once I again some of the behaviors I was seeing made me uncomfortable and I ended it in which case she found a new boyfriend (this is a same sex relationship for me and her) at that point I decided to move forward. 5 months later she began contacting me and purposely running into me, come to find they had broken up. needless to say I got sucked back in, she moved in quickly and we managed to stay together for a year although during this time I felt I was losing my mind, walking on egg shells always waiting for another moment when she would flip out on simple things like telling her, her shoes didn't match or if she could please dry the floor after her shower. she told me these comments implied I didn't love her. I got yelled at at the dinner table for a good 30 minutes for accidently saying a woman's name I used to have a crush on. Some of the outbursts from this relationship really made me feel as if I was losing my mind and like I was the problem. I couldn't talk or express anything without getting in some sort of trouble or her taking it as I don't love her. She needed every single ounce of my time and attention I would take her on dates and an hour later she would be saying how much she missed me (we lived together). I couldn't understand this behavior as I am someone who enjoys ALOT of alone time. Basically a year came and went I was losing friends, my roommates were about to move out because they felt uncomfortable with her and I decided I needed to end it. I ended it and needless to say it went back and forth for awhile until with the help of my therapist I was told to move all her stuff out myself. Less than 2 weeks later she was engaged to an ex boyfriend from 4 years ago. I feel like I just got hit by a train! I really don't know how to heal from this and my entire perception on people has changed. I used to be very out going make friends easily and very trusting with the right people but this has made me question every aspect of humanity. How do people just detach like this? I am working on healing myself but I'm having a hard time expressing things for fear that I sound crazy. Do borderlines also struggle with sexual identity? She once told me she felt men were a lower human race and wud never date one again... .now she's engaged to one. I just didn't know humans could be so... .vicious. I feel empty and lost and I'm angry I stayed against all of my intuition saying otherwise. However I am happy that I ended the relationship, she seems to be the one who leaves all of her lovers in very cruel ways. After our final conversation she blocked me on all social media and boom was engaged. I just don't know how to handle the obsessions in my mind and the emptiness I'm feeling so I was hoping to find some support on here. Anything helps at this point.also do people with BPD tend to manipulate therapist? She was in therapy during our relationship but she went to a male therapist and there relationship seemed extremely unprofessional almost like she was seducing him. She knew about his sexual past, marriages, that he was in AA recovery it all seemed a bit strange to me and she would tell me he would tell her he didn't even think she needed therapy and was a very "enlightened individual" which made me feel even crazier wondering if I was the problem. He would text her things like "you left your earrings in my office" just very bizarre things that didn't seem okay. Is this common amongst BPD?

[Belizabeth]

This has been a long road I'll try to make short! I met my BPD 2 years ago. She was in a relationship who she quickly left for me a week after meeting me she moved out of her girlfriends apartment. I always felt uneasy about this as I didn't find it normal how quickly she left someone she "was going to marry"so i quickly ended the relationship in which case she went right back to her ex because of my own low self esteem I felt maybe I didn't give her a fair chance so we tried again but once I again some of the behaviors I was seeing made me uncomfortable and I ended it in which case she found a new boyfriend (this is a same sex relationship for me and her) at that point I decided to move forward. 5 months later she began contacting me and purposely running into me, come to find they had broken up. needless to say I got sucked back in, she moved in quickly and we managed to stay together for a year although during this time I felt I was losing my mind, walking on egg shells always waiting for another moment when she would flip out on simple things like telling her, her shoes didn't match or if she could please dry the floor after her shower. she told me these comments implied I didn't love her. I got yelled at at the dinner table for a good 30 minutes for accidently saying a woman's name I used to have a crush on. Some of the outbursts from this relationship really made me feel as if I was losing my mind and like I was the problem. I couldn't talk or express anything without getting in some sort of trouble or her taking it as I don't love her. She needed every single ounce of my time and attention I would take her on dates and an hour later she would be saying how much she missed me (we lived together). I couldn't understand this behavior as I am someone who enjoys ALOT of alone time. Basically a year came and went I was losing friends, my roommates were about to move out because they felt uncomfortable with her and I decided I needed to end it. I ended it and needless to say it went back and forth for awhile until with the help of my therapist I was told to move all her stuff out myself. Less than 2 weeks later she was engaged to an ex boyfriend from 4 years ago. I feel like I just got hit by a train! I really don't know how to heal from this and my entire perception on people has changed. I used to be very out going make friends easily and very trusting with the right people but this has made me question every aspect of humanity. How do people just detach like this? I am working on healing myself but I'm having a hard time expressing things for fear that I sound crazy. Do borderlines also struggle with sexual identity? She once told me she felt men were a lower human race and wud never date one again... .now she's engaged to one. I just didn't know humans could be so... .vicious. I feel empty and lost and I'm angry I stayed against all of my intuition saying otherwise. However I am happy that I ended the relationship, she seems to be the one who leaves all of her lovers in very cruel ways. After our final conversation she blocked me on all social media and boom was engaged. I just don't know how to handle the obsessions in my mind and the emptiness I'm feeling so I was hoping to find some support on here. Anything helps at this point.also do people with BPD tend to manipulate therapist? She was in therapy during our relationship but she went to a male therapist and there relationship seemed extremely unprofessional almost like she was seducing him. She knew about his sexual past, marriages, that he was in AA recovery it all seemed a bit strange to me and she would tell me he would tell her he didn't even think she needed therapy and was a very "enlightened individual" which made me feel even crazier wondering if I was the problem. He would text her things like "you left your earrings in my office" just very bizarre things that didn't seem okay. Is this common amongst BPD?

[earlyL]

Hi Belizabeth,

Your story sounds quite similar to mine. My exBPD (also both female relationship - and my first) has huge identity issues, although she will admit them. She has always been gay and known since early teens but her hatred of men did used to scare me slightly. I have sadly only recently noticed that she goes for woman who have always been in straight relationships - as I was, so this feels like something she needs.

We didn't have all the back and forth as you did, and I am making sure having been on this site we don't go down that route as this is our first break up. I can totally feel your pain and understand what you are going through, I found it helpful to think of it like an addiction, that when the waves of pain and emotion come flooding it is natural and you somehow need to let them happen, knowing they will pass. I am no expert and am still sobbing each day and often at night to sleep, but I do feel like it is getting lighter, or the crying isn't as deep. I suspect she did love you but for whatever reason she couldn't cope and had to find someone else quickly. I pity the guy too though - imagine getting engaged to someone four months after a split. This doesn't sound healthy. My partner left me for a woman who recently married her long term male partner. In some ways it really helps, as it doesn't sound like a great foundation for a relationship, but then it also fills me with sadness as how could she think that is better than what we had. The truth is she doesn't think like that, and as she keeps telling me needs to follow her feelings. If that is her only way through life, then I don't think it is a relationship I want to be in anyway, loyalty and commitment are too important to me.

I have only been with a therapist for a few weeks, but this doesn't sound good at all. My therapist says nothing about herself and I prefer it that way. However a friend of mine did tell me recently that her therapist told her loads about him and all his marriages, I found it really strange, I don't want to be paying to hear about their lives, but i also really need the structure of her impartialness, I think knowing about my therapists background might cause me to over analyse her reasoning, and I don't need that.

Take one day at a time is my best advice. They are long, I have never felt such hours in a day. But it is the only way forward.

Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

LW

[Keef]

Belizabeth,


I'm very sorry for the hurt you're feeling. Let me quote you on some of your questions and see if we can get something going here.

Some of the outbursts from this relationship really made me feel as if I was losing my mind and like I was the problem.

How are you getting on with this right now? Many here, myself included, have struggled or are still struggling with these things.

She needed every single ounce of my time and attention I would take her on dates and an hour later she would be saying how much she missed me (we lived together). I couldn't understand this behavior as I am someone who enjoys ALOT of alone time.

I can relate to this. My ex started out with saying she has great need of her own time and space (I felt it was almost a warning), but soon she went from that to being very very needy. Texting frequently, which I at first thought was charming - when it was really one of the  . And when I, around one year later understood and communicated that I need time alone now and again she started panicking and threatening me. Ultimatums.

I feel like I just got hit by a train! I really don't know how to heal from this and my entire perception on people has changed. I used to be very out going make friends easily and very trusting with the right people but this has made me question every aspect of humanity.

I understand. Trust is always the hard bit, for non-disordered and disordered alike. It is at the very core of many problems. How long has it been since you broke up? Believe it or not, the shift in trust and view of others will change to the better, eventually. Don't rush. Also, many of us here probably have a need to heal from wounds inflicted on us even before the broken relationship - taking your time to heal is essential. Have you received any help from a therapist in setting healthy boundaries for the future?

However I am happy that I ended the relationship, she seems to be the one who leaves all of her lovers in very cruel ways.

Please listen to yourself here. This is good. You are detaching yourself from your ex in validating yourself and drawing this line between you. Do remind yourself of this from time to time  

do people with BPD tend to manipulate therapist?

Yes, this sometimes seems to be the case from what I've read. If the disordered person isn't willing to change, as they seldom are, they can end up manipulating and/or blaming the therapist and then end the therapy. My ex completely idolized her first therapist. Once she even said "... .I mean, it's not that I'm in love with him or anything... ." (Thinking of this I feel sorry for my ex. Living in constant confusion must be extremely tiring).

... .she would tell me he would tell her he didn't even think she needed therapy and was a very "enlightened individual"

Yes, she would tell you that - NB it might not even be completely true that the therapist said this. I do understand it made you feel more crazy. Point is: I would suggest you try not to think of these things, because you won't end up understanding your ex's behaviour more thoroughly.

All of this is hard, I know, but please let me remind you that the future is now all about
>you<  

Best,
Keef

[Keef]

... .also, Belizabeth:

Keep posting. You've come to the right place.
Let us know things go 

/Keef