Valentine's Day and clarity

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I did what I wasn't supposed to do. I asked my mutual friend about my exBPDbf's plans for valentines day with my replacement. I've been NC for over 100 days but I felt I had a cheat day today. I know, not good, but in a way I'm glad I found out.

We had a a very romantic 2-3 hrs last year on this day. Perfect gifts, grand gestures, the works. Trauma before, trauma after. The usual.

I'm meeting a bunch of single girlfriends tonight so that's my healthy place. But I was curious if he was doing anything with my replacement(s). He was sort of seeing 2 girls when I last asked 2 months ago. In my defense, getting enmeshed every 2 months is not so terrible is it?

Anyway I find out that he's not even in the country, and is in fact now seeing 3 women and the joke between the friends is "who is it tonight." I knew him better than anyone when we were together but I feel after we went NC, I know even more about him now because all the crazy pieces are falling into place.

The 3 girls in a way makes be feel better for a few reasons. One because he needs 3 women now to replace one of me... .I know, clutching at straws but we all want some validation that we counted and this is mine. Two, that although I feel sorry for these women who may or may not believe they are the only one (I'm sure he's not telling them he's seeing all 3), I feel glad for them too. If he isn't focusing on only one, then she can't get the brunt of his craziness like I did. He might keep himself in check.

And the fact that he went back to his home country conveniently on V-Day is such an obviously move. I mean who would he spend it with? How would he get out of that mess.

Another thing is that my friend S said he doesn't even ask about me anymore. So while I have been working and taking it one day at a time for the last 100 days, not only has he moved on, he doesn't even care to know about me.

I realized that I should just come here, post my feelings, to share it with others who have been ripped apart by such predators. That's all I can think at this point. That he was a predator who has moved onto his next prey and I should be so grateful that he has. My logical mind is working on overdrive to accept all this and look to a positive future without him.

So after I had a good cry I decided to be grateful for my friends, my therapist and my family and and try to close my mind and enjoy the rest of my day. I hope we all manage to find non-crazy, non-selfish love and Happy Valentine's Day to all you people who have been hurt by such people.

[mevz]

I did what I wasn't supposed to do. I asked my mutual friend about my exBPDbf's plans for valentines day with my replacement. I've been NC for over 100 days but I felt I had a cheat day today. I know, not good, but in a way I'm glad I found out.

We had a a very romantic 2-3 hrs last year on this day. Perfect gifts, grand gestures, the works. Trauma before, trauma after. The usual.

I'm meeting a bunch of single girlfriends tonight so that's my healthy place. But I was curious if he was doing anything with my replacement(s). He was sort of seeing 2 girls when I last asked 2 months ago. In my defense, getting enmeshed every 2 months is not so terrible is it?

Anyway I find out that he's not even in the country, and is in fact now seeing 3 women and the joke between the friends is "who is it tonight." I knew him better than anyone when we were together but I feel after we went NC, I know even more about him now because all the crazy pieces are falling into place.

The 3 girls in a way makes be feel better for a few reasons. One because he needs 3 women now to replace one of me... .I know, clutching at straws but we all want some validation that we counted and this is mine. Two, that although I feel sorry for these women who may or may not believe they are the only one (I'm sure he's not telling them he's seeing all 3), I feel glad for them too. If he isn't focusing on only one, then she can't get the brunt of his craziness like I did. He might keep himself in check.

And the fact that he went back to his home country conveniently on V-Day is such an obviously move. I mean who would he spend it with? How would he get out of that mess.

Another thing is that my friend S said he doesn't even ask about me anymore. So while I have been working and taking it one day at a time for the last 100 days, not only has he moved on, he doesn't even care to know about me.

I realized that I should just come here, post my feelings, to share it with others who have been ripped apart by such predators. That's all I can think at this point. That he was a predator who has moved onto his next prey and I should be so grateful that he has. My logical mind is working on overdrive to accept all this and look to a positive future without him.

So after I had a good cry I decided to be grateful for my friends, my therapist and my family and and try to close my mind and enjoy the rest of my day. I hope we all manage to find non-crazy, non-selfish love and Happy Valentine's Day to all you people who have been hurt by such people.

[earlyL]

Hi Metz,

I can totally understand why you enquired about him, it is so hard knowing you have mutual friends. I don't think you should worry about whether he is asking about you or not, it doesn't mean anything, it is his coping mechanism. My exBPD lived in my flat for 6 weeks while telling me she had feelings for someone else (and had acted on them) and I watched her totally disengage with me, it was like I supported her through the break up, she did all the classic things in front of me, she deleted me while I was there, it was so painful but also slightly fascinating now looking back on it. I feel like I am in a really odd situation but I hope it might help you somehow - my ex and I run a business together and so we see each other every day. I can honestly tell you that she looks more upset by it now than I do. (I am struggling hugely but doing my best not to show it). Yesterday she looked like she would cry if I didn't validate her and tell her everything was ok. I don't think I am trying to get revenge but right now I just find it hard to even look at her and I have to detach from any emotional involvement but there is a desperate need for her that I don't hate her. I think if we had been able to go NC which I wish so much, then it would have been easier for her as well. I think what I am trying to say is, somewhere he is hurting and he is aware that he misses you, but will be just be for a split second, because he makes sure he doesn't have room for those feelings. I watched my ex look agonising at me and then the minute someone else walked into the room she changed and her face lit up, whereas I am a puddle on the floor.

She now seems in the habit of texting me at midnight - about work stuff and I can see it is all about validating her before she heads to bed, like making sure I am still around for her. I think by your ex having three people on the go he is really making sure he is filling that gaping hole. He doesn't even have time to think about you with all the texts and phone calls he must be managing to keep three women on the go - it is truly so sad that people behave this way. There is so much hurt that is unnecessary.

I honestly think you are doing so well at 100 days, I am a bit behind you, I have a large calendar on the wall that I score each day off, and it really helps me. Are there any exercises you are doing that help. My T told me to put my ex in a box in my head, and I do do that. She is still there all the time but I feel the box is getting further away. Not every day, (but today she is more distant). I find the image of her getting in a box, really helpful and quite funny.

I think predator is useful, I still struggle with the whole, they don't mean it stuff, it is their survival but I know it is true. I met someone recently that said she thought my ex was always quite strategic. I thought what a good word, I had never thought of, but it does all feel strategic, on a sub conscious level. The worst part but also most useful is knowing that no matter what we did, this outcome was always going to be the same. I am gradually beginning to feel at least it was only 2 years for me, and not 10 like so many people on this board.

Glad you are going out with friends tonight, I have a really important job meeting, but I don't care, it feels like the right thing to do. I hope you can have some laughs and put him as far back in your mind as possible, even just for an hour.

LW

[earlyL]

PS, I am sorry, my spell check always changes your name!

[mevz]

Hi Louise,

Frankly you can call me anything you want because I’m so grateful that you took the time out to sit and write all the things I needed to hear.

The fact that you sat and wrote so much to help me get some peace is amazing. I just spent my whole lunch break crying, and right at the end of it, I saw your message.

The weird thing is I don’t even know why I’m crying. I don’t want him back. I don’t even want to see him again. If I went to my therapist she’d ask me to express what I’m feeling but I don’t know. Probably just this Hallmark holiday and feeling alone.

My colleague’s been married for 15 years and when I told her I’m spending the day with some single friends, she says “oh it’s valentine’s day?” We single people struggle through the day while the happily married ones take it for granted. It’s funny how the grass is always greener.

I remember at one time my bf and I were at his place, broken up as usual and he wanted to get back together and I was refusing and he started his crying-like-a-baby routine and raging by throwing his laptop across the room and I still remember thinking in that moment, "oh god, please let him free me, please let him find someone else to focus his attention on, please don’t let it be me." I remember it so clearly. Yet here I am today, feeling these odd feelings!

Strategic is a good word but for him but I’d just use selfish. As long as his needs were met, that’s all he cared about. As long as I succumbed and made him feel good about himself, that was all that mattered. I too am grateful it was 17 months for me. People talk about wasting their whole lives on their BPDs and I truly am grateful that I didn’t.

It amazes me Louise that you are in a similar situation and you are so good with the advice. Right now I’m just using this board for my own selfish reasons to vent and cry and very rarely am I able to offer constructive help to anyone yet.

I hope I am able to soon.

[earlyL]

I am really glad I could help, but honestly I think I am in the same place as you. I am feeling good this morning but I know in a few hours that won't be the case. I sometimes wish I would keep a note of it all, but I think the fact I can no loner be bothered is actually a good sign. I really have those times as well of sheer turmoil that I cannot made head nor tail of. Your words on the whole 'i don't even want him back and know it' is true. I'm in the same place but I find myself crying uncontrollably. I think it is because we are so sad about the pain, I don't even see the future that I thought we had as something I want anymore but I think I feel sad at the pain I have had to go through. You are right, selfish is the right word. I so struggle with the whole, feel sorry for their condition. I do of course, but it isn't enough for me, my ex did this to her first wife, if she can't see the pattern then she doesn't deserve to be with me.

Wow - your story of wanting to be free, I did exactly the same, after six weeks I begged her to let me go. I told her that I was close to ending the relationship myself because I couldn't take anymore. She snapped at me that I had therefore made the decision already. She was incapable of saying sorry for cheating and it was destroying me. I felt so rejected by her actions and her behaviour towards me, I don't know how I lasted six weeks. How can someone be so selfish and not just move on and end a relationship, she spent so long telling me she needed space. Not at anytime in the six weeks did she say anything about me and my feelings, or that perhaps I deserved something better.

This conversation has helped me too, please do feel free to vent, I think it is really important. It lets me see the situation for what it is, and stops it becoming a romantic drama in my head when I am on my own.

LW