Is this a discard? Or just a horrible, horrible break-up?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm not quite ready to go into specifics just yet, but, yeah.
It's been almost a year, and I'm still trying to piece everything together. I did wrong, she did wrong, if I was to list everything that happened it would be a small novel, so I'm just going to post the basics of the end of the relationship for the moment. I've been in therapy since it ended, and my counselor first raised the idea that she sounded like she had BPD shortly after. In an incredibly selfish way, I would love to believe that, but I get the feeling I would just be using it in an attempt to absolve myself of some of the blame, make me feel like I did nothing wrong, or at least that I didn't deserve this. But if I were to do that,I would neither learn nor grow. I've resolved to take the regret and the self-loathing and deal with it like a man, but it is hard at times. The utter self-doubt. The bouncing between thinking there's nothing wrong with you to thinking you're complete scum. But, yeah. I don't know.

Anyway, how it ended:
I will not list it here but our relationship took a massive hit 6 months in. She had been lying to me since we first got together, and continued to lie for another year, almost daily, after that. The last time I caught her lying I got upset, couldn't treat her like I used to, she took a week of that and then threw all the jewelry I'd bought her at me and told me that if I didn't want to be with her to get the f.cj out. I wanted her to talk to me, to tell me why she lied and apologised, work to fix it, but she didn't. She never did. She'd just lie and lie until she could lie no more, and after that I would be left to deal with it alone. She would ignore me for weeks if I wasn't okay. If I was ever upset about anything in front of her, she wanted nothing to do with me. Whenever I reached out to her to try to talk things through like adults, she would just say 'Why would I want to talk to or meet someone if it's no fun?'.
Because of that, the trust never came back. And I started to resent her. I didn't feel like I was good enough, and I took it out on her. I didn't treat her right. I didn't treat her like I loved her or tell her I loved her. I became a horrible, selfish, needy, weak, childish, demanding, controlling man. Complete scum. Nothing like I used to be. And now I'm getting back to myself the guilt is insane. That's mainly what I'm beating myself up over. That, and the fear that I'll never be decent again. And the guilt that thinking and worrying about all this is still just me thinking about myself and nothing more.

But yeah, I'm getting distracted. The break-up.
In January of last year I slept with another girl. Sorry. I didn't find her attractive, I didn't want to do it, and I hated every second of it. She threw herself at me, and, my ex compared to me to someone she slept with the day before our first date, and said that in the beginning she thought he was better. And she thought that because he was pornstar huge. That was the only thing she was honest about. I think the dick thing hit me so hard because I was used to, f.ck modesty, I'm not exactly small either, and I was so shallow at that time that I got a kick out of stroking my ego telling myself I was probably the biggest they'd had up until that point. Men are men, and I was young. I actually thought size mattered back then. But in all honestly that, that feeling of not being enough, the resentment at her feeling that because she f.cked me over, not being able to be perfect for her even though she was perfect for me, my pride, my feelings of not being good enough her, I think that's why I found it so hard to forgive. And that is what led to that girl. Talking about anything to do with that area was complete taboo. I couldn't ask her anything or look for any help in getting over it. If I did, she would have left me, so I kept that complex with me. That girl, I distinctly remember thinking of it as 'gathering data'. I actually thought that. I can't believe myself. The whole point was to get answers to questions that I could ask no-one else, fix myself, and start properly giving myself to my ex again. Be comfortable in doing that. God that's pathetic. So weak.

Getting distracted again.
That happened. I couldn't take it. I could never look at her again, see her again, touch her again, unless she knew. I couldn't do that to her. So I went over took a shower, and told her what I'd done. She kicked me out, as she should have done.
A week later she came over and asked me why. I hadn't figured things out in my head yet, so I just told her the two things that I did know. That I did not want to do it, the girl threw herself at me, and I panicked. And that it happened because I didn't feel like I was good enough.
She jumped straight into bed with me after that. I don't know why.

Things went okay for about a month afterwards. Then I went home to visit family. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me. She tracked my flight, and was talking about coming to visit. We had a fight shortly after, and she just, ended it.
I came back, She saw me for all of two hours after two years, let me send a few panicky messages, and blocked me on absolutely everything soon after. Her reason was apparently, she talked to a friend when we were fighting. The friend said that I was lying, there was no way I didn't want it, and ordered her to leave. So she did. She told me that she couldn't believe that I loved her or thought she was important, so she left. I've heard many other reasons from different friends after, but that is what she told me. I'd be able to take that like a man, as my just desserts, if that were the case, but it's not, and I can't take it.
But yeah. End>2 hours>5 messages>Block>3 months later she's with someone else.
Is that a discard or just what I deserved?　BPD or just emotional immaturity or pain?

There was a long cycle of abuse before this that led my counselor to think she was BPD, like ignoring me for weeks if I criticized the smallest thing or seemed even remotely unhappy, or threatening to leave me over the smallest fights or if I strayed from what she wanted too much. Constantly belittled me and devalued me.
I'm trying to piece it all together and figure out what was wrong and what was right. What was my fault and that I need to fix, and what I should just write off. So I'm starting from the end.
If anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated x

[wfsgraplw]

I'm not quite ready to go into specifics just yet, but, yeah.
It's been almost a year, and I'm still trying to piece everything together. I did wrong, she did wrong, if I was to list everything that happened it would be a small novel, so I'm just going to post the basics of the end of the relationship for the moment. I've been in therapy since it ended, and my counselor first raised the idea that she sounded like she had BPD shortly after. In an incredibly selfish way, I would love to believe that, but I get the feeling I would just be using it in an attempt to absolve myself of some of the blame, make me feel like I did nothing wrong, or at least that I didn't deserve this. But if I were to do that,I would neither learn nor grow. I've resolved to take the regret and the self-loathing and deal with it like a man, but it is hard at times. The utter self-doubt. The bouncing between thinking there's nothing wrong with you to thinking you're complete scum. But, yeah. I don't know.

Anyway, how it ended:
I will not list it here but our relationship took a massive hit 6 months in. She had been lying to me since we first got together, and continued to lie for another year, almost daily, after that. The last time I caught her lying I got upset, couldn't treat her like I used to, she took a week of that and then threw all the jewelry I'd bought her at me and told me that if I didn't want to be with her to get the f.cj out. I wanted her to talk to me, to tell me why she lied and apologised, work to fix it, but she didn't. She never did. She'd just lie and lie until she could lie no more, and after that I would be left to deal with it alone. She would ignore me for weeks if I wasn't okay. If I was ever upset about anything in front of her, she wanted nothing to do with me. Whenever I reached out to her to try to talk things through like adults, she would just say 'Why would I want to talk to or meet someone if it's no fun?'.
Because of that, the trust never came back. And I started to resent her. I didn't feel like I was good enough, and I took it out on her. I didn't treat her right. I didn't treat her like I loved her or tell her I loved her. I became a horrible, selfish, needy, weak, childish, demanding, controlling man. Complete scum. Nothing like I used to be. And now I'm getting back to myself the guilt is insane. That's mainly what I'm beating myself up over. That, and the fear that I'll never be decent again. And the guilt that thinking and worrying about all this is still just me thinking about myself and nothing more.

But yeah, I'm getting distracted. The break-up.
In January of last year I slept with another girl. Sorry. I didn't find her attractive, I didn't want to do it, and I hated every second of it. She threw herself at me, and, my ex compared to me to someone she slept with the day before our first date, and said that in the beginning she thought he was better. And she thought that because he was pornstar huge. That was the only thing she was honest about. I think the dick thing hit me so hard because I was used to, f.ck modesty, I'm not exactly small either, and I was so shallow at that time that I got a kick out of stroking my ego telling myself I was probably the biggest they'd had up until that point. Men are men, and I was young. I actually thought size mattered back then. But in all honestly that, that feeling of not being enough, the resentment at her feeling that because she f.cked me over, not being able to be perfect for her even though she was perfect for me, my pride, my feelings of not being good enough her, I think that's why I found it so hard to forgive. And that is what led to that girl. Talking about anything to do with that area was complete taboo. I couldn't ask her anything or look for any help in getting over it. If I did, she would have left me, so I kept that complex with me. That girl, I distinctly remember thinking of it as 'gathering data'. I actually thought that. I can't believe myself. The whole point was to get answers to questions that I could ask no-one else, fix myself, and start properly giving myself to my ex again. Be comfortable in doing that. God that's pathetic. So weak.

Getting distracted again.
That happened. I couldn't take it. I could never look at her again, see her again, touch her again, unless she knew. I couldn't do that to her. So I went over took a shower, and told her what I'd done. She kicked me out, as she should have done.
A week later she came over and asked me why. I hadn't figured things out in my head yet, so I just told her the two things that I did know. That I did not want to do it, the girl threw herself at me, and I panicked. And that it happened because I didn't feel like I was good enough.
She jumped straight into bed with me after that. I don't know why.

Things went okay for about a month afterwards. Then I went home to visit family. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me. She tracked my flight, and was talking about coming to visit. We had a fight shortly after, and she just, ended it.
I came back, She saw me for all of two hours after two years, let me send a few panicky messages, and blocked me on absolutely everything soon after. Her reason was apparently, she talked to a friend when we were fighting. The friend said that I was lying, there was no way I didn't want it, and ordered her to leave. So she did. She told me that she couldn't believe that I loved her or thought she was important, so she left. I've heard many other reasons from different friends after, but that is what she told me. I'd be able to take that like a man, as my just desserts, if that were the case, but it's not, and I can't take it.
But yeah. End>2 hours>5 messages>Block>3 months later she's with someone else.
Is that a discard or just what I deserved?　BPD or just emotional immaturity or pain?

There was a long cycle of abuse before this that led my counselor to think she was BPD, like ignoring me for weeks if I criticized the smallest thing or seemed even remotely unhappy, or threatening to leave me over the smallest fights or if I strayed from what she wanted too much. Constantly belittled me and devalued me.
I'm trying to piece it all together and figure out what was wrong and what was right. What was my fault and that I need to fix, and what I should just write off. So I'm starting from the end.
If anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated x

[wfsgraplw]

I just realised that I have a half-finished note that I was intending to post to reddit. It's long, but more detailed. Sorry for the hassle.

This is going to be long. And incredibly convoluted. Apologies in advance.


My ex left me in an instant 10 months ago. I was blocked on absolutely everything, and haven't seen or talked to her since. She moved on in two months, I am still sitting here wallowing in self-loathing, missing her terribly, and trying to figure out what in god's name is wrong with me. I know she fell out of love with me because I stopped loving her, and while at the time I felt justified, thinking no-one could love her, now I just feel I was a blind fool and I absolutely despise what I turned into.


Okay, this is where it gets messy. I will try to keep it as concise as possible.
I met her, and we were together a month later. Pretty much living together. Everything was absolutely perfect. I had never felt so loved, so wanted, so lucky in all my life, and she was all I ever thought about. It was all so, like a movie. It was crazy. We were pretty much living together, and it felt so nice having someone there, someone to love and who loved me in return. I completely idolised her. I couldn't believe someone so perfect could exist.


After three months we went long distance, and it was still fantastic. If fell for her even harder because I missed her, and we were even talking about marriage like fools. But. But. There were somethings that started to bother me. Soon after we got together, she told me some things had happened with a mutual friend of ours. That it was before we started dating, but she hated herself because he had a girlfriend, and she felt like she'd betrayed her, and ruined their friendship. It hurt hearing her talk about the past, but I supported her. it didn't phase me hearing about the things she did. But. She still saw him regularly. Still hung out with him. Tried to get all three of us to hang out a few times, and it was just, horrible. I couldn't understand why she was even capable of still seeing him after what happened.


Once we went long distance, it started to bother me more. I think it must have been the distance, and me projecting and ideal partner on to her (due in part to some of her lies, sorry.). So I asked about it. And I asked her when the last time was. She accidentally let it slip, then immediately retracted it. I believed it was just a slip of the tongue as I trusted her so entirely. Just before we ended the call, she told me sorry, it really was then. The date she specified was the night before our first real, dinner-and-a- movie-not-just-coffee-date. I reacted, badly.

I'd never felt so betrayed, so angry in my entire life. It felt like everything we'd had, everything I thought, was a lie. The fact that she had initially approached me for support with it, but decided to lie and get me to support her and fall for her based on that lie, just, everything. I screamed and shouted and just, I was a cruel, horrible child. I called her things I'd never used in anger before. I was, I don't want to think about it. I asked her a million questions. Everything. And being a caveman I also asked how good it was. What he was like. Turns out he had a massive ten-inch dick. Hearing that, I, I asked if she'd ever wanted more from me. She said that she had (only thing she was honest about that day), but that it wasn't because of him, just through some of the things we'd tried and some days being great and others not so much. Ok, that's enough about that.


After I'd, vented, I told her that I still loved her. But I needed to know. I needed to know why. Why she did it. What she was thinking. What she felt. Everything. I needed to know everything. It's like the floodgates had opened and like a fool I asked. I felt that because she said she didn't know why she did it. I said I needed to know in order to know what to forgive, and to put it behind us. I gave her two weeks to think things through, and come and tell me the truth. Told her that no matter what it was, I wanted to work through it, I just needed the truth, as long as she supported me through it, everything would be fine. The trust was not irreparably damaged.


Two weeks later, she comes back and tells me she was raped. That the guy abused her. That he'd been doing it for years, and it got to the point where she couldn't say no to him, and they went all the way. It happened a sum total of 3 times, although I'll skip the first two as they have nothing to do with me, but she lied about how they went down too. The 3rd time, the time where she screwed me over, was all that mattered. I asked about the first 2 to try and build a picture, but that's neither here nor there.


She said she didn't want him to come round, but that he pressured his way in. They went to bed, and he forced himself on her again. She said no, tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. So she put up with it. (if any of you have ever been unfortunate to experience rape, I'm sure you're starting to see the holes in this already. I'll explain why later.)

No Jesus, I'm getting off topic. Basically she was lying. I talked to the guy and he said she was f.cking crazy. My sister was actually raped, and she offered to talk to her for me, christ knows how she found the strength to do that. They talked. And the lasting impression my sister got was that she was terrified. Wouldn't say a thing. Until eventually my sister led and she copied her story completely. Long story short, it was all consensual. She got him over that night because she was lonely. No forcing in. She gave him the come on. She did it because she liked him and wanted him to be with her. She wanted more from me precisely because of him. She compared me, to him. The guy that supposedly raped her. It took 10 months of constant agony, being lied to every day, being told something, working to forgive it, then being told a completely different thing the next day and being back to square one to get to this point. During this time, I will take full responsibility and say that I was emotionally abusing her. Every time I found out she was still lying after the 100th time of saying I would leave if she did it again, I would lose my sh.t. Feel betrayed. Feel worthless. Wondering why the hell she wouldn't stop lying. Anxiety, everything. And I took it out on her. I just got so, so angry. Every time she lied, and would call her a slut, say she was scum, ask her what the f.ck was wrong with her, call her an animal, everything. God knows why she took it.


This cycle carried on until she came home. I was certain I had the truth by now, so the fights were petering out. But there was still one point I couldn't let go. She said that she had not compared me to him. That it was nothing like me. I pushed and pushed and pushed and eventually she snapped and said she was leaving. You know that whole lion to mouse thing? Yeah. That. I did a complete u-turn. I was a wreck. I think that was when she lost what little respect she had for me, and when she realized just how powerful she could be.


So we sort it out. I figured if she was willing to leave over it, she must be telling the truth. The next two months was a slow process of forgiving each other and trying to repair what we'd done to each other, and by the end of it, it was great. The spark was back, and I trusted her completely. Until, yeah. We were just shooting the sh.t, watching tv, and it came up. Turns out she was lying. It felt like that day all over again. Only this time, probably because it was in person and not over Skype, I couldn't get angry. I couldn't scream or shout. I couldn't do it to her. She makes an apology, and that was it.  I was cold towards her for a few days, as I couldn't exactly be loving and accepting after that, and she, just, yeah. Threw all the things I'd bought for her at me and told me that if I didn't want to be with her to get the f.ck out. This is when it starts.


I was completely emasculated by what she thought. I didn't feel good enough for her. Had no confidence. And I fell out of love with her, because I can't love someone I don't feel like I'm good enough for. It isn't fair. But I still adored her. I still wanted to make it work. So I did my best to get over everything, try to make it come back. The trust, that wasn't going to happen. But I couldn't deal with the anxiety of not knowing, so I just decided to f.ck it, let her lie, believe what is believable. And it worked. The anxiety went. But knowing that she was lying, it ate at me. The trust never came back. I resented her. I wasn't a sh.t boyfriend, but I wasn't the loving, caring man she fell in love with.


This is when what I'm told is the narcissistic abuse starts. I am now a needy, spineless weakling. I live for her. She is the only thing that makes me happy, makes me feel worthwhile, and she knows it. Anything, the smallest mistake, the slightest criticism, the smallest fight, will make her ignore me for weeks on end. During those times she will post pictures of herself out with her friends, out with guys, smiling, and if I was to break and message her, ask her to talk to me, she would threaten to leave until I complied. She made me beg her to take me back on my knees several times. It was weird. I would turn up, she would shout, insult, belittle, tower over me, and when she thought I'd had enough suddenly hug me, f.ck me, and the next day it would be like nothing had ever happened. She'd be fine. There was no sorry, nothing. Just like it never happened.
the first few times she ignored me,  I went crazy. Panicked. I was in tears. So she knew what it did, but she still did it regularly.


This happened on a monthly basis. Listing some fights off the top of my head; Once when I called her a liar. Once when I was upset she made me wait for an hour. Once when my father nearly died and I got upset she didn't even call and just went out with her friends. Once when we had a fight about something petty and I was still down the next morning even though she was fine (because I'd made up for it the night before).
When we weren't fighting, she would constantly belittle me. Tell me that I was useless. That I'd never get a job (I was still a student at the time). That I had no future. That none of my work was good enough. That people would think I was an idiot. That I was crazy. That she was ashamed of me. That she was worried about me. That she hated people like me. That people like me had no right to talk to someone like her. And because I was terrified of causing another fight, getting ignored, being left, I took it.
In hindsight, they were empty threats. Planned. I went over once and all my stuff was in the place where I normally sit, so I knew she was 'serious'. Or we were meeting at a cafe because 'think about what that means'. Both those times we were going travelling, and both those times she hadn't cancelled the flights. All the times we were fighting and she was out with her friends, they didn't even know. And when she did talk, she would only say what I had done. It must have been like 'he doesn't trust me and I don't know why' or, 'he's being a dick and I don't know why'. It boggles the mind. They never knew what she had done. She just ___ed about me. They still don't. There was nothing more important to her than her image.

Most of all, I couldn't understand how she lacked empathy to that degree. She saw what it was doing, the weight I lost, the sleepless nights. The empty bottles and packs of cigarettes. And she just did it. I'm not sure whether she liked making me suffer, or whether me taking it proved the love I was too weak and selfish to show normally, I don't know. But I couldn't fathom how she could do that to someone she professed to love and and still sleep at night. When I was being a twat, that was borne from pain. I couldn't sleep. And I would hate myself afterwards and would apologize profusely. She never did that even once.


I was completely wrapped around her little finger. I never saw my friends. I lived for her. I wasn't allowed to go out with some girls I met at bar that gave me a rare chance to speak English, but she was allowed to go speed dating.  She was allowed to cancel plans for friends or turn up late, but if I ever did the same I was out. But still, when she was nice, she was so goddamn nice. The good times were great, and I couldn't leave. I couldn't give up.


What finally ended it was, I taught English part-time back then. Home-tutored. And one of my students jumped me after they said I looked tired and it was okay if I slept for a bit before I left. I woke up thinking it was my girlfriend, opened my eyes, and she was, yeah. I panicked. At the time I felt I had two options. Push the girl off, risk hurting her, getting reported to the police and being deported, or just, dealing with it and hoping my girlfriend believed me. I did the latter. I took it for 5 minutes before pretending to finish, and I bailed as quickly as I could. I called my girlfriend, and went over. I told her what happened. I told her I cheated on her. Because when she was on me, I tried to find some good in it. Obviously the sex was, that's not sex. A few months counselling down the line and that's what I got told. By good in it I mean, I asked the girl the questions I could never ask my ex. Size, etc. My head just, went. I don't know what. I was desperate to find something, anything to get away from it. Something to take out of it to make it seem like I had some control, some interest in it. Something similar happened to me when I was a child so it might be that, but it's like I wasn't there. Like it wasn't me. I still don't understand it.


So, I take a shower, make myself bleed trying to get the girl out of me, tell my girlfriend, she cries, tells me to get out. I leave.
A week later she comes over. Asks me exactly what I asked her. I tell her everything. She believes me. For now.

[joeramabeme]

wfsgraplw

Welcome to BPD Family! 

Glad you felt comfortable posting your story here.  It takes a lot to get started and I think you gave a really good overview of what has been happening with your pwBPD and have made it to the right place here.

If anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated x

My first thought is to take a deep breath and slow down a little.  Much of what you are writing about here has been in the works for awhile and there is no back-door exit to suddenly escape nor is there an "aha moment" where your partner suddenly realizes that they have a PD and desires to change. 

Members posts can typically be digested a little bit at a time, so with that in mind, what in particular are you struggling with the most at this moment?  Sounds as if you have a pretty good understanding of the BPD dynamics that have been playing out in your relationship.  Have you friends or family that understand your situation that can listen?

Where are you at right at this moment?

JRB

[ynwa]

Hey wfs,  I also wanted to welcome you to the family.  You shared a truly honest account of a long roller coaster ride.  Thank you for that, truly.

That long road you have been on, is as Joe said not easy to digest and it's going to take time. Trying to piece it all together and make sense of it all, is also going to take time.  Being through what you have been through is not easy.  And you need as Joe said time to step back and breathe.  You mentioned a therapist, but do you talk to friends or family?  Having a support network is going to help.

I will stress that you don't need to go into specifics with them. I myself have been through a similar relationship and while i found it hard to tell details, it really helped when my friends would just listen and let me know I was ok.

You will get through this.  It's not going to disappear but you will find day by day, more of you will pop through that fog.

YNWA

[wfsgraplw]

Thank you both very much for your replies, it helped way more that I thought it would.

I used to talk to my friends and family, but they've got sick of it and I can't talk anymore.

I don't really know where I'm at right now, so I'll just list the thoughts that have been whirling around in my head for the past year.

I have to talk to her. I need to apologise. I was blind. I didn't realise what I was becoming. I have to apologise. I can't deal with the guilt. I can't forgive myself.

I'm not sure if she was BPD, or if she just didn't love me and that's why she could be such a ___.

I'm worried that I'll never fix myself. I'm entitled, weak, spinless, cold, hollow, overbearing, needy, desperate, demanding, selfish, childish, bitter, ungrateful, controlling. Nothing like the man I used to be. I used to be kind caring and thoughtful. Trusting loving and forgiving. Easy going laid back and accepting. It terrifies me that this is who I am now, and I don't even know where to start to fix it.

But because she blocked me, I can't even apologise. Nothing. I'm not even human to her anymore. It all meant nothing.

After we broke up, I talked to some mutual friends. They told me 「that she's started her new life. That she finally felt free from all the pressure and control and is so happy. Having so much fun. Never wants to talk to me again. Impossible. Because I'm scary and crazy. And since she blocked you, that means she wants nothing to do with you. Normally don't block people, right?」
This is three weeks post break-up.
I feel so worthless. Like I was nothing. That nothing mattered. That it's all my fault.
And the damage is crazy. The most important person in your life thinks you're scum, refuses to talk to you or even acknowledge you as human. Plus the speed of her moving on. That she was able to find someone she wants to be with and that is willing to be with her and I still haven't come close makes me think that she was right. That it's all my fault. That I'm the crazy one. That I was lucky to have her. That she was a hell of a catch and that I was a fool.
Plus, that speed, means that whoever it is will literally have been the first guy to have shown an interest in her. Which means that literally anybody is more preferable than me. After everything we said. Everything we went through. All the years we spent together. I was nothing. I can't take it.

And the regret is crazy. On the day we broke up I said absolutely everything that I'd been keeping inside for the past year. The abuse, everything. And I really regret it. And I regret not treating her better. Not appreciating her properly. Not being more grateful. Not being more kind during fights. Starting fights. Criticising her. Not loving her properly. And all because I didn't believe her when she was probably telling the truth. So I put her through hell, made her suffer so much, robbed us both of happiness, for nothing.  I can't take it. I can't internalise that. I have to apologise.

But I don't know what I should do. I have no way to talk to her, and I can't force her to. So I can't apologise, and I don't think I'm in the right place to just yet. I still have no desire to make others happy. It's all me me me. Every failure I make reinforces that I am scum and that I need to change. But I don't even know where to start. I'm completely lost. And it makes me miss her and regret losing her and who I became all the more. The self-loathing is crazy.
And no girl will be interested in a guy this fu.ked up. No fun. Almost like they can sense it. And I am needy in all my interactions as I am desperate to be happy again, to have people that will stick with me, not to lose anyone else, and it shows and freaks people out.
Someone not replying to a message for a few days terrifies me and I am constantly fighting the urge to message them pleading for a response. I didn't know it was even possible to lose people in an instant like that until this happened.
But I am no longer happy alone like I used to be. I don't love or accept myself. I can't unless she acknowledges I exist. I'm not the strong, reliable man I used to be. Just pathetic and needy. I'm a complete wreck.

But it all grates so much. Because I wasn't okay with the suddeness or her not beleiveing me, because I acted like she actually meant something to me, because I didn't react how she wanted, because I wasn't okay with it I am dehumanised and it 's my fault for going crazy when treated that way.
Because I didn't act as she wanted, didn't just coldly and emotionally accept it, because I acted as a human not a robot, I am ostracised and dehumanised. I'm not allowed to be human when it doesn't suit her. It's all so messed up, and the damage is absolutely crazy. I just want to talk, to move on, but I can't. She won't let me. This is driving me insane. People don't just leave like that, without even letting you talk. Not after two years. It doesn't matter how trapped they feel, It just doesn't happen. And pulling the whole scary card just isn't fair. What does she think I'd do, kidnap her? Kill her? insane. Just because I wasn't okay I am crazy. Insane. The most important person in your life thinks you are worthless and crazy, and it makes you think you are too. I'm actually going crazy because of this. I don't know what to do.

[wfsgraplw]

And I can't understand how she isn't even suffering. It ends, and she's over the moon. Three months later she's sleeping with someone else even though a week before the break-up she was still telling me I'm the only man for her, she could never love anyone else, that if it's not me it's no good, that she doesn't even find anyone else attractive. It ends, and she's thrilled. Why was she even with me then? There's so much I don't, can't understand, and I can't take it.

[joeramabeme]

And I can't understand how she isn't even suffering. It ends, and she's over the moon. Three months later she's sleeping with someone else even though a week before the break-up she was still telling me I'm the only man for her, she could never love anyone else, that if it's not me it's no good, that she doesn't even find anyone else attractive. It ends, and she's thrilled. Why was she even with me then? There's so much I don't, can't understand, and I can't take it.

These are good questions that we all ask.  Let me see if I can provide a little insight.

And I can't understand how she isn't even suffering.

There is no saying for sure that she isn't suffering.  The nature of BPD is to mask/hide or deny painful feelings on the inside.  In other words, she may LOOK like she is doing fine, but this may not be the case.  pwBPD do not hold emotions and feelings like we do, they are overwhelmed and seek avoidance. 

Three months later she's sleeping with someone else even though a week before the break-up she was still telling me I'm the only man for her, she could never love anyone else, that if it's not me it's no good, that she doesn't even find anyone else attractive. It ends, and she's thrilled. Why was she even with me then?

Sadly she probably meant these things at the time she said them.  BPD is an attachment disorder. The implication of the disorder is; the closer they feel to someone the more they will push away.  So, in essence her sense of intimacy with you actually is part of the reason why she needs the distance.

Why was she even with me then?

She very likely felt very close to you. Think of the words "vulnerable" and "exposed; these represent part of what it is to be in love with someone.  When it is too scary to feel that way, the best option is to run away.

I understand what it feels like when friends and family have heard enough.  This forum is where you can find support and a thoughtful ear.  We have all been where you are at.  It is difficult but some of these answers will come with time.

How long have you been NC?

[In a bad way]

To  wfsgraplw

wow I can relate.

        I'm worried that I'll never fix myself. I'm entitled, weak, spinless, cold, hollow, overbearing, needy, desperate, demanding, selfish, childish, bitter, ungrateful, controlling. Nothing like the man I used to be. I used to be kind caring and thoughtful. Trusting loving and forgiving. Easy going laid back and accepting. It terrifies me that this is who I am now, and I don't even know where to start to fix it.

But because she blocked me, I can't even apologise. Nothing. I'm not even human to her anymore. It all meant nothing.

After we broke up, I talked to some mutual friends. They told me 「that she's started her new life. That she finally felt free from all the pressure and control and is so happy. Having so much fun. Never wants to talk to me again. Impossible. Because I'm scary and crazy. And since she blocked you, that means she wants nothing to do with you. Normally don't block people, right?」
This is three weeks post break-up.
I feel so worthless. Like I was nothing. That nothing mattered. That it's all my fault.
And the damage is crazy. The most important person in your life thinks you're scum, refuses to talk to you or even acknowledge you as human. Plus the speed of her moving on. That she was able to find someone she wants to be with and that is willing to be with her and I still haven't come close makes me think that she was right. That it's all my fault. That I'm the crazy one. That I was lucky to have her. That she was a hell of a catch and that I was a fool.
Plus, that speed, means that whoever it is will literally have been the first guy to have shown an interest in her. Which means that literally anybody is more preferable than me. After everything we said. Everything we went through. All the years we spent together. I was nothing. I can't take it.

               

I could of written that.

[infjEpic]

If anybody has any advice it would be greatly appreciated x

You know, these relationships generally tend to follow similar patterns.
But sometimes, when I read a person's experience, and the emotions and thoughts expressed - I genuinely wonder if somebody has read some of my old diaries.

That has happened several times on this forum, and it just happened against with what you've written.

Ok, First and most important;

I've been exactly where you are now.

So listen to me when I tell you

You're not broken.
You're not messed up.
You will learn and you will grow from this experience.

Her actions were not your fault.
You went into that relationship with honesty. You neither asked for nor deserved that abuse.

We will get to the guilt and shame you have expressed - but first I want you to read this out loud to yourself.
What happened was not my fault. I am responsible for my actions and my actions only

Every time - when you feel that toxic shame and guilt pervading your thoughts - I want you to override them with that phrase.



All of those fears and concerns you have expressed - about the person you became in that relationship, and the person you fear that you are now - all of those will fade with time.
And understanding.
And Self Evaluation.

The shame you expressed for calling her a slut and other things - yep, I've done it. (The word I used was wh___)
No - we are most certainly not perfect. We are Humans. We are flawed.
We did and said things we regret.
And even more, we regret the things we failed to do or to say.
But you have been in an unhealthy relationship - with a disordered person. So have I. So have this whole forum.
You're not the first person. You will not be the last.
You're not a freak. Or even strange. You're very, very normal.

Before we go any further - I want you to understand something important.
Your ex may have been BPD. She may have been NPD. She may have been neither.
Bottom line - it doesn't bloody matter if she was an Alien from Mars - judge her by her actions, not her label, not her words - her actions
The actions/behaviour you have described of her - are simply abusive. No if, ands or buts.

Do you accept that?



With regard to guilt - Take a breath.
If you smack your dog once or twice for peeing on the carpet, he might get the message.
If you continue to smack that poor dog every day, a year after he ever even peed on the carpet - don't be surprised when he turns around and bites you!
That's what you are doing to yourself right now (and I'm not criticizing you - cause I've done it too!)


You may not see it now - you will in time -  but you were manipulated into becoming the 'paranoid', 'insecure' and 'jealous' person you became.
You would not have been that person in a healthy relationship.
You won't be in the future either (again, I speak from experience) - as a matter of fact, you will be stronger in the future than you've ever been - but don't worry about that for now.


There is loads in your posts that I'd like to discuss.
But before we go any further, I want to go to the root of the cascade.

Soon after we got together, she told me some things had happened with a mutual friend of ours

Do you accept... .that healthy people, in healthy relationships - do not do this to each other?

What do you believe her motivation was for doing this?

I'm assuming at the time - you believed it was a display of trust. Of intimacy.
It hurt you - but you didn't want to judge.

I can't say what her exact motivation was for doing it - but I'll I will guess it was one of the following:
A) Evidence of her lack of boundaries
Disordered people, especially people with BPD, tend to lack boundaries.

or

B) Jealousy Induction / 'Triangulation' (clearly she abused you in this fashion at later stages of the Relationship)

Summary explanation as follows:

I think the most descriptive term for this is jealousy induction. If you Google this term you will get a much more targeted description of what you are describing -  why people induce jealousy.  And if this happened in your relationship, you might get a clearer picture of what was going on with him/her in this... . 

Several expressive and relatively relational motives have been suggested for jealousy induction. Angry or frustrated people report intentionally creating jealousy to hurt their partner or cause emotional distress (White, 1980). Sheets et al. (1997) found that among those who had attempted to make their partners jealous, a substantial majority ‘(87%) had done so to gain their partners’ attention,’ whereas ‘less than a quarter (24%) had done so to increase their partners’ commitment, and less than a fifth (18%) had used jealousy as a mate-retention strategy’ (p. 392). Others may induce jealousy because they want to test the relationship, want more attention, more time or simply to ‘be taken out more’ (White, 1980, p. 223). Jealousy may also serve self-expansion goals. People may deliberately induce jealousy to bolster their self-esteem (White, 1980). People who feel inadequate in a relationship or are themselves jealous, suspicious, or fearful may intentionally create jealousy to gain self-esteem and confidence. People who experience these feelings may have a predisposition to be jealous (Mathes & Severa, 1981; Sharpsteen, 1995). Such individuals may even create these feelings in a partner to turn the tables. In this sense, ‘inducing jealousy may be understood, in part, as a power tactic’ (White, 1980, p. 222). This would help account for why a person’s sense of power-lessness mediates reactions to jealousy (Rotenberg, Shewchuk, & Kimberley, 2001) and why jealousy induction is associated with need for control and use of aggression in relationships (Brainerd, Hunter, Moore, & Thompson, 1996). A person involved in a romantic relationship can gain control by leading the partner to believe an attractive alternative exists. The jealous partner must respond to maintain the relationship, thereby enhancing the other’s power.

www.unc.edu/courses/2006spring/spcl/091p/016/JealousyInduction.pdf

If you've not done so yet - Start a gratitude journal.
Think as long as necessary. Consider all of the things you are grateful for in your life.
Consider all of the things you can do now - that you couldn't do when you were with her.
When the rumination begins - when the guilt and shame and regret set in - replace those thoughts, with thoughts of gratitude.


This is also very much worth reading - Dealing with Ruminations:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0