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Author Topic: Why is he doing this?  (Read 410 times)
Jester20
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« on: February 14, 2017, 03:34:36 PM »

So, for those that read the link I posted regarding my mother in laws letter to me I just need to get something off my chest.
We haven't argued or had any major downs for 6 months. His mum invited him home for 4 weeks over Christmas ( I don't know why she did that ) and I told him if he left me over Christmas then to take his sentimental things as he wouldn't be coming back. In hindsight I should not have even said that to him I should have just let him go then tell him once he was over there not to come back.
Anyway he stayed and we actually had a lovely Christmas. He even said it was one of our best christmases yet! Which it was. Now, the issue with him in the past has been he tells his mum lies about me. Like, I assaulted him ( I didn't) I was prepared to defend myself when he turned on me. That I am crazy and launch personal attacks on him at any opportunity ( also not true). Anyway his mum has this impression of me and considering mine and her fall out in novemeber I haven't done anything to rectify this impression. I do not trust him and checked his phone 1 week after Christmas of messages between him and his mum... .he told her Christmas was awful and he had to lock himself in his bedroom and hope that I left him alone. I was pretty shocked to read this! We had a wonderful Christmas. I never confronted him about this and decided to check his phone in 2 weeks and if it was a continuing pattern then I would confront him and ask him to leave.  when I checked his phone there was no more discussion about me so I was relieved obviously but still didn't know what to do. Well I just checked his phone earlier and his mum had messaged him that I had removed myself from messenger ( she sent me a picture of roses ( after telling me in this letter after Christmas that she didn't want anything to do with me! ) so she was sure she would never be exposed to my tirade again. I feel confused about this. My husband had responded that he was looking forward to our holiday ( going to the coast for a week next week) and that he hoped his holiday remained tirade free.
I do not know what to do. Is it normal for pwBPD to tell lies to others like this? I am feeling very confused.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2017, 08:24:03 AM »


 
Anyway he stayed and we actually had a lovely Christmas. 

FYI:  I haven't read the link about the letter from his mom.

What does his action say about where his primary commitment is?  Have you given him "credit" for this?

It's understandable that you are confused.  In my opinion, you are involved in something that you don't understand and likely never will understand.  The relationship between this mother and this son.

It's not really your job to understand it.

It IS your job to focus on the relationship that you are in and what is actually going on in that relationship.  As you have said... .no big issues in a while.  Focus on that.

Let your MIL think as she wishes.  Let's say your MIL thinks you "make" her son lock himself in the bathroom while you sit outside and pick your boogers... .and... .horror upon horror... .you hide those boogers under a table instead of using a tissue and garbage can.

You make 10 phone calls to your MIL, write her 4 letters (one certified return receipt), send her 23 texts, and 2 emails.

She calls you up and sincerely apologizes for thinking that you hid your boogers under a table.  She realizes it's crazy to ever think that and she asks your forgiveness.

The world is right again... .you have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes.  As you are wrapping up the conversation she makes a pleasant suggestion that Neosporin might soothe your nose... .and "mentions" that you might should give a courtesy flush every once in a while... .

     

Last thoughts... .we'll never know why people say things in private to each other.  There is so much nuance there. 

I think there ARE things you can be doing to help the situation in a healthy way... .but first... .I hope you can think deeply about the results you are getting from your current relationship choices.

Are you happy with those results?

Hang in there... .this is tough stuff.  I DO understand how sucky it feels to have a spouse say things to their family... .about ME... .that aren't true.  Let's see... .Polygamist... .adulterer... .bady daddy to other women... .homosexual... .hider of money... .won't listen... .won't love her... .(I'm just getting started... .)  I think you get the point.

FF

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Jester20
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2017, 01:45:31 PM »

FYI:  I haven't read the link about the letter from his mom.

What does his action say about where his primary commitment is?  Have you given him "credit" for this?

It's understandable that you are confused.  In my opinion, you are involved in something that you don't understand and likely never will understand.  The relationship between this mother and this son.

It's not really your job to understand it.

It IS your job to focus on the relationship that you are in and what is actually going on in that relationship.  As you have said... .no big issues in a while.  Focus on that.

Let your MIL think as she wishes.  Let's say your MIL thinks you "make" her son lock himself in the bathroom while you sit outside and pick your boogers... .and... .horror upon horror... .you hide those boogers under a table instead of using a tissue and garbage can.

You make 10 phone calls to your MIL, write her 4 letters (one certified return receipt), send her 23 texts, and 2 emails.

She calls you up and sincerely apologizes for thinking that you hid your boogers under a table.  She realizes it's crazy to ever think that and she asks your forgiveness.

The world is right again... .you have a pleasant conversation for 5 minutes.  As you are wrapping up the conversation she makes a pleasant suggestion that Neosporin might soothe your nose... .and "mentions" that you might should give a courtesy flush every once in a while... .

     

Last thoughts... .we'll never know why people say things in private to each other.  There is so much nuance there. 

I think there ARE things you can be doing to help the situation in a healthy way... .but first... .I hope you can think deeply about the results you are getting from your current relationship choices.

Are you happy with those results?

Hang in there... .this is tough stuff.  I DO understand how sucky it feels to have a spouse say things to their family... .about ME... .that aren't true.  Let's see... .Polygamist... .adulterer... .bady daddy to other women... .homosexual... .hider of money... .won't listen... .won't love her... .(I'm just getting started... .)  I think you get the point.

FF



Hi,
i think I said thank you for not going, it is important we are together at Christmas.
Yes, I get your point completely. I guess I just do not trust him... .3 years ago he went out and left his laptop open and whilst I was cleaning the bedroom saw it... .he had been telling his mum things were awful and he was going to leave me... .things were awful , very awful and I was waiting for him to leave. Of course I was very upset and spoke to him about it when he got back... .he just said I shouldn't be reading his private messages ( which is true but I pointed out it was there in all it's glory on a huge laptop screen, which he understood). However, since then I have found it difficult to trust him. I haven't snooped since then until after Christmas.

I guess the real question is if I do not trust him that much to act like then then I should have a serious think about calling it a day and having that conversation with him.

The thing that irritated me the most was that things had actually been pretty good so I guess I am questioning why he is giving someone else regardless of who it is a totally different account of our reality. Why make it out to be bad when actually it isn't... .like I said no arguments in 6-7 months... .we couldn't go 2 days without major meltdowns that caused huge issues. Suicide, domestic abuse, police etc etc. So, this is a huge difference.

His mum said to me she could not believe the things I was talking about as she does not remember him this way at all ( he was a high functioning BPD before we met) and he was in a high paid job worked for 13 years no sick time etc.

And yes, you are right. I certainly do not understand a lot of things.
I am angry because he knew he was BPD before we met and he never told me that.
Anyway, thank you for your input.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2017, 02:22:14 PM »

I am questioning why he is giving someone else regardless of who it is a totally different account of our reality. 

What is his answer for that?

However... .you see your pickle... .he might ask how you know. 

Listen... .focus on YOUR reality and thinking.  Let him focus on his. 

If your reality is good... .declare victory and move along. 

There are obviously issues in the r/s between he and his mom.  Some families have different realities. 

Not your job to fix or understand that.  You now know that they are an "alternative" family. 

Either decide that is too much and hit the road... (do you really think they will "get it" and start believing your reality?)

Or.

Focus on your reality... your life... .and let them do their thing.

FF
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Jester20
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2017, 03:20:13 PM »

What is his answer for that?

However... .you see your pickle... .he might ask how you know. 

Listen... .focus on YOUR reality and thinking.  Let him focus on his. 

If your reality is good... .declare victory and move along. 

There are obviously issues in the r/s between he and his mom.  Some families have different realities. 

Not your job to fix or understand that.  You now know that they are an "alternative" family. 

Either decide that is too much and hit the road... (do you really think they will "get it" and start believing your reality?)

Or.

Focus on your reality... your life... .and let them do their thing.

FF

Hi,
Again thank you. I really appreciate your input. I agree with everything you say. I just feel so incredibly sad.
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schwing
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« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2017, 03:31:36 PM »

Hi Hulu,

Anyway he stayed and we actually had a lovely Christmas. He even said it was one of our best christmases yet! Which it was. Now, the issue with him in the past has been he tells his mum lies about me. Like, I assaulted him ( I didn't) I was prepared to defend myself when he turned on me. That I am crazy and launch personal attacks on him at any opportunity ( also not true).

I see two possible reasons why your BPDh told your mother-in-law what he did.

(1) In my observation, people with BPD (pwBPD) have their disordered emotions (of fear of abandonment/betrayal/denigration) triggered by feelings of intimacy and closeness.  So in a sense, the "lovely Christmas" you experienced with him triggered him to also experience these disordered feelings that he is being attacked.  And of course he couldn't express these feelings to you, because you would probably be unable to validate his feelings, because his emotional experience does not coincide with your emotional experience.  So he spoke to someone who could reliably validate his feelings, his mother.

(2) A way to cope with these disordered feelings without actually dealing with them is to engage in the "drama triangle" in which someone is the victim (him), someone is the accuser (you -- even if only in his imagination) and someone is the rescuer (his mother).  This behavior is also known as triangulation.


I feel confused about this. My husband had responded that he was looking forward to our holiday ( going to the coast for a week next week) and that he hoped his holiday remained tirade free.
I do not know what to do. Is it normal for pwBPD to tell lies to others like this? I am feeling very confused.

It might be helpful not to see his behavior as lying but rather as a complicated compartmentalization of his life.  He probably wants to have a good intimate experience with you (which he does) but he also needs his coping mechanisms to deal with the disordered feelings he also experiences.  Eventually he may accuse you of doing these things he perceives.  But for now, he is maintaining the peace by expressing these disordered feelings to a third party who validates his feelings (even though they are disordered).

He is not doing this to be deceitful.  He is doing this because this is he best way he can manage (perhaps without necessarily accepting) his disorder.  :)enial is a coping mechanism.

Of course I was very upset and spoke to him about it when he got back... .he just said I shouldn't be reading his private messages ( which is true but I pointed out it was there in all it's glory on a huge laptop screen, which he understood). However, since then I have found it difficult to trust him. I haven't snooped since then until after Christmas.

I understand that it is difficult to trust someone who (probably regularly) mounts a distortion campaign against your reputation but I see this as a typical behavior for pwBPD. It comes as part of the package.


I guess the real question is if I do not trust him that much to act like then then I should have a serious think about calling it a day and having that conversation with him.

And this is your right and a valid consideration.


The thing that irritated me the most was that things had actually been pretty good so I guess I am questioning why he is giving someone else regardless of who it is a totally different account of our reality. Why make it out to be bad when actually it isn't... .like I said no arguments in 6-7 months... .we couldn't go 2 days without major meltdowns that caused huge issues. Suicide, domestic abuse, police etc etc. So, this is a huge difference.

Just because it is not your reality does not mean it is not his reality.  His reality comes with the distortion associated with borderline personality disorder.  And some pwBPD learn to develop constructive behaviors to help deal with these distortions. Others do not and so live lives with much conflict.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2017, 03:55:56 PM »

  I just feel so incredibly sad.

   

Can I challenge you to think about what you are learning and make some decisions.  Is a week too soon?

What are you going to do about the letter (I know that is another thread)?  We can help you think through a succinct but healthy response. 

If you didn't know about private communication between his mother and him... .would the relationship be working for you... ?

What can you do, that would encourage a more satisfying relationship... .for you between you and your SO?   In other words... .if once a week you guys went for coffee... .and read a book together, would that be meaningful for you?  What is something new you could add... .like my example... .that you would enjoy?

We'll be alongside you as you sort through all this... .
FF
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Jester20
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« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2017, 04:00:41 PM »

Hi Hulu,

I see two possible reasons why your BPDh told your mother-in-law what he did.

(1) In my observation, people with BPD (pwBPD) have their disordered emotions (of fear of abandonment/betrayal/denigration) triggered by feelings of intimacy and closeness.  So in a sense, the "lovely Christmas" you experienced with him triggered him to also experience these disordered feelings that he is being attacked.  And of course he couldn't express these feelings to you, because you would probably be unable to validate his feelings, because his emotional experience does not coincide with your emotional experience.  So he spoke to someone who could reliably validate his feelings, his mother.

(2) A way to cope with these disordered feelings without actually dealing with them is to engage in the "drama triangle" in which someone is the victim (him), someone is the accuser (you -- even if only in his imagination) and someone is the rescuer (his mother).  This behavior is also known as triangulation.


It might be helpful not to see his behavior as lying but rather as a complicated compartmentalization of his life.  He probably wants to have a good intimate experience with you (which he does) but he also needs his coping mechanisms to deal with the disordered feelings he also experiences.  Eventually he may accuse you of doing these things he perceives.  But for now, he is maintaining the peace by expressing these disordered feelings to a third party who validates his feelings (even though they are disordered).

He is not doing this to be deceitful.  He is doing this because this is he best way he can manage (perhaps without necessarily accepting) his disorder.  :)enial is a coping mechanism.

I understand that it is difficult to trust someone who (probably regularly) mounts a distortion campaign against your reputation but I see this as a typical behavior for pwBPD. It comes as part of the package.


And this is your right and a valid consideration.


Just because it is not your reality does not mean it is not his reality.  His reality comes with the distortion associated with borderline personality disorder.  And some pwBPD learn to develop constructive behaviors to help deal with these distortions. Others do not and so live lives with much conflict.

I hope some of what I write is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Hi,
Thank  you. These comments are really useful. I really underestimated this disorder. Very interesting what you say about the drama triangle... .triangulation. I am ion yo read done more on that.
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