Father with BPD- weirdly romantic relationship?

[Lunalovegood]

This is my first post so it might be a bit long sorry! Parents divorced when I was 1, my father and brother are both undiagnosed but present all BPD traits (have also had psychologists I was seeing suggest they have BPD) & my mum had severe depression/anxiety. My father never really got over my mum and his long term partner looks exactly like her. I was the 'golden child' growing up and my father always had an unhealthy attachment to me. The relationship was almost romantic and he would make me sleep in his bed, shower with him etc. My brother would often fight back with my dad and escalate the conflict when he would go into his fits of rage whereas I would emotionally withdraw and just wait for it to be over. There was also a lot of issues with his girlfriend. She was very physically abusive towards me and would try to compete for my dads affection by trying to get me in trouble etc. My entire dynamic with my dad changed when I was about 12/hit puberty and began to look more and more like my mums side of the family. He was always emotionally abusive but instead of pushing me into being his perfect daughter he instead began degrading me and putting me down as often as he could, treating me the same way he treated my mum when they were married. My father no longer cared at all about my brother and I was taking the full brunt of his anger. At this point my mum had sent my brother to live with my father full time as his behavior was out of control and he was couch surfing to avoid staying there so I never really saw him. There was an incident just prior to me turning 14 where my father cuddled me in bed and thrusted into me, something I've been struggling a great deal with recently as I've only now been able to tell my mum about it. I finally went nc about 6 months after that happened when following an argument my father chased me, grabbed the collar of my shirt and held me up before tossing me on a gravel road and dragging me across it. When I came home with gravel rash it was the final straw for my mum and she stopped me going there. In the last 7 years I've come to terms with the physical/emotional abuse but am now finding myself struggling with the somewhat sexual nature of the relationship. Has anyone else experienced this with a BPD parent? Was he just projecting unrequited feeling for my mum onto me? I just want some understanding of why it happened... It sounds silly but I've found for the other abuse being able to understand why it happened has really helped me move past it

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lunalovegood! 

Welcome to our online family! I am really glad that you found us, and that you've posted to share the first of what I hope to be many posts. It was very brave of you to share your story with us. 

First let me say that I am very sorry for the way your father has treated you. It is wrong in so many ways. Some of what you've described reminds me of what I read recently in a book we feature here titled: Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams. I read the book because I desired to understand the covert incest or emotional enmeshment my parents (especially by my uBPDm) had with my siblings and I. The book also discusses sexual abuse. You may find some helpful answers to some of your questions within the pages of this book. I certainly did.

There are many other members here who have experienced similar things as you have, and they have an understanding ear and can give you more insight. I am glad that you have been in T. Are you currently still seeing a T?  There is a great list on the right side of our board, The Survivors Guide, which if you click on any sentence, a larger explanation will pop up. It is a great way to become familiar with our site as well as to give you some basic guidance as you continue to process your childhood. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Lunalovegood:   

I'd like to join Woolspinner in welcoming you.  I'm so sorry about the abuse you have endured.  I can't imagine anyone going through all that.

Below is an excerpt from an article at Psychology Today.  It suggests some ways to try and work through and confront past abuse.  Perhaps it can give you some ideas and approaches.  The complete article is available at the link in the quote box.

There are cases in which victims of sexual abuse learn to explore the experience of abuse and, in doing so, transform their identities from victim to survivor. Transcending this step can be empowering and can significantly increase the survivor's self-esteem and sense of control over his or her life. . .

If, as I believe, sexual abuse can be the ultimate destroyer, and that it leaves a legacy of anger, sadness, and fear, what separates those who haven't successfully coped and those who have? In a word, the single most important element in coping with sexual abuse is confrontation. This involves gaining awareness of all the feelings you had during the abuse, as well as all the feelings that you still have years later. True confrontation of the abuse means that you are patiently sitting with these feelings, and examining each of them honestly, rather than acting them out and regurgitating them thoughtlessly in present-day relationships.

I don't believe that you necessarily need therapy to confront past abuse. However, it can certainly help. Therapy provides a ready-made environment for the kind of confrontation I'm talking about, including a quiet therapy room, a neutral-but-compassionate professional who's available to listen, and a time frame which allows the client to sift through memories and explore them. If I were to set out to deal with such a problem, doing it through therapy would sound like a decent way to get started.

But there are other outlets that can help one to heal from such a traumatic experience. For instance, writing in a journal and expressing thoughts and feelings about the abuse is incredibly helpful. I always tell clients that journaling is not restricted to documenting your thoughts with a felt-tip pin a leather-bound notebook - it could be scrap paper that you later throw in the trash. The goal: getting the feelings out, regardless of whether you're writing on linen or scratch paper. I have also found that some clients have successfully confronted their abuse histories through art or through deliberate, orchestrated movement, such as yoga.

Many singers or musicians can go into a mental world that feels safe and restorative with their instruments, and learning to develop such a sophisticated coping mechanism can do wonders for the soul. Similarly, I have also seen survivors find a sport or type of exercise that allows them to feel both free and totally in-control, which is a hard mix to achieve when you are striving for this balance using positive coping mechanisms (as opposed to drugs or other negative coping mechanisms). I always advocate exercise for clients who have repressed sadness and anger, and will often prescribe such nontraditional and nonverbal coping mechanisms as a kick-boxing class at the gym to help them access feelings of strength and empowerment. . .

[Turkish]

Hello Lunalovegood,

I'd like to join Wools in welcoming you to the family 

I'm glad that you took steps to make yourself safe from your father.  I've dealt with sexual abuse in my family (my 2-3 year old daughter,  now 4.5, abused by her teenage uncle) and yes,  you were sexually abused.  Thankfully it progress further, and you've enacted boundaries. 

We're all about surviving and Healing here.  This doesn't excuse those in our lives who were abusive, but rather realizing that we have our own power to heal and move forward. I stopped it with my little girl,  you stopped it with you.  In all my subsequent readings, as well as talking to therapists, one struggle can be to synthesize our positive feelings with those negative. 

Please keep posting and tell us more of your story.  There is also a good off board resource which can help: https://www.rainn.org

From a possible BPD perspective, we can keep supporting you here as well. 

Turkish

[Harri]

Hi Lunalovegood and welcome. 

All of us here can relate to dealing with a BPD relative and there are several who can relate to the sexualized behavior that your father engaged in with you.  For me, the sexualized behavior and outright sexual abuse I experienced happened with my mother who I believe was uBPD (undiagnosed BPD).  A couple of articles I found on the net stated about 19% of female inmates diagnosed with BPD self reported as having perpetrated sexual abuse.  I do not have the references handy, but there is info out there on the net (not much though).  Other articles and researchers have linked pwBPD (people with BPD) who sexually abuse to the lack of boundaries so common in the disorder. 

Whether inappropriate sexual behavior, hyper-sexualized behavior or sexual abuse is common or not in pwBPD, it does happen.  It is possible it is more related to a co-morbid diagnosis rather than BPD in isolation.  I am no expert on that.

What I do know is that like you, understanding the behavior, the possible causes and how it all played out in my own experiences has helped quite a bit.  Like Turkish, I would call what your father did sexual abuse but I also believe that you are the one who gets to label your own experience.

I don't want to push too far on this as it can be difficult and sensitive, so post when you feel like it.  People here have been incredibly supportive on my posts involving my own experiences and the insight offered has been enlightening, perspective changing and heart warming.

Take good care and I hope to see more of your posts.