She says she is confused, and so am I

[Rhomer]

Hey all,

I've posted multiple times before but now realize I dhould be posting here instead of the detatching board, because I don't think I'm fully detatching yet.

A few days ago I had an extremely  unfortunate event happen in which I was happening to pass by my dBPDex gf's apartment and saw her holding hands with another guy. I would later learn that this was indeed the "other" guy as she had left me earlier under the context that she couldn't do an exclusive relationship and was pursuing polyamory along with him. Seeing them together made me extremely emotional as it has only been 2 months since the break up, and a few days before she had called me saying that she missed me a lot, took me for granted, and that I was a great boyfriend over the last 4 years.

The other unfortunate bit was that she was walking in the direction of the gas station I desperately needed gas from, so I texted her to tell her to not go that direction as I just saw them both leave together. She started apologizing profusely that I had seen them together but I told her she did nothing wrong and  it was okay. I said that she needed to start talking to him more when it came to emotional support as I had been her lifeline for the past few weeks in regards to low self worth and self harm. I then told her "Focus on yourself, I'll be okay, I'm moving on."

What happened next shouldn't have surprised me, but it definetly did. She responded asking if i meant what I said over the phone the last time we had talked, and after asking specifically what she was referring to, it was that I had said that, while I wouldn't wait for her, I could see myself possibly trying again with her on the future. I asked why she asking this now, to which she said she was having a lot of confusing feelings and was trying to figure things out. She desperately wanted to see me and missed me a lot, but I was already leaving out of town for the weekend. She explained that she was feeling that all she does it hurt people and that we would all be better off if she was dead, to which I tried to comfort her.

By the end of that night after a pause in the messages she told me she was "so confused right now". I asked why and she didnt respond. After awhile I asked if she was okay, to which she responded much later in the night she wasnt going to hurt herself. I apologized the next morning i had fallen asleep and asked what happened. She said "nothing". I asked why she was confused and there was no response. I asked the next day if she was okay, no response. Now its been 3 days. I dont understand. Whats happening? 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

BPDs are black and white thinkers. Nons can completly understand that when you break up, there are lingering feelings of affection that will always be there. BPDs can't.

So she feels a little lingering something, which confuses her. She starts to think she must 100% love you, but she also kinda knows she doesn't - but because she has to either 100% or 0% love you she just gets confused.

I've read MANY times on this site - the only way to break up with a BPD is 100% no contact. You are hurting her and you if you try to maintain any sort of friendly relationship.

Cut the cord.

[Rhomer]

So she feels a little lingering something, which confuses her. She starts to think she must 100% love you, but she also kinda knows she doesn't - but because she has to either 100% or 0% love you she just gets confused.

From previous talks we've had she doesn't seem like she is confused on whether or not she loves me. She believes that we have a strong level of comfortable love for eachother that has developed over 4 years, but wanted to do polyamory after a few years of being interested in that community. Soon after the breakup she said she felt we had a great relationship if we were older, but we are young and should be trying new things. She strogly wanted me to follow her into polyamory at one point but I didn't want that. Maybe I'm being naive but I doubt she stopped loving me, but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you want to be in a specific type of relationship with someone.

My guess would be that she is confused in that she wants the stability and comfortable love an exclusive relationship with me offers, but also has a yearning to try new relationships and new things. We are pretty young and she is relatively adventurous. She seems to be spiralling now though, and I would want to give her one more try for stable loving relationship.