Daughter diagnosed with BDP

[Gigi49]

My 21 year old daughter overdosed on her antidepressant meds and cut herself on Wednesday evening was rushed to hospital where she was held on the mental health unit for 72 hours. The doctor diagnosed her with BPD. She now is home and won’t talk to me and told me I am a PLEASE READty parent. I am numb, angry and torn and don’t know what do to.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Welcome. I’m really glad you reached out.

What you just described is a trauma for a parent. An overdose, a hospital hold, and a new diagnosis all in the same week is a lot to take in. It’s no wonder that you feel numb and angry.

At this point, you don’t have to solve BPD. You don’t have to defend yourself against what she said. The first step is stabilization – for both of you.

Lots of young adults come back from a psych hold feeling raw, ashamed, or dysregulated. Silence and blame can be part of that. It doesn’t necessarily mean you caused this.

If you can, keep it simple:
“I’m glad you’re home. I love you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”

And then give space.

Do you know what the discharge plan is? Is there follow-up therapy scheduled?

You’re not alone here. We can walk this one step at a time.

[CC43]

Hi Gigi,

Wow, you've had a rough week.  It's no wonder if you're reeling from the drama and the new diagnosis.  You must be worried sick.  It's OK to feel angry too.

I'm wondering, was this the first time your daughter landed in the hospital for self-harm?  In a sad way, it might have been for the best.  Though trying to kill herself is no joke, it got her some help that she probably needed desperately.  And she got a diagnosis of BPD, so at least she knows what she's dealing with.  And at least YOU know what she's dealing with.

I guess the good news is that BPD is treatable, provided that your daughter is committed to getting the therapy she needs to turn her life around.  The recent events might be the wake-up call that she needs.  Sure, she'll try to blame everything on you--that's typical BPD.  Please try not to take her accusations personally.  That's BPD talking, not your daughter.  You are NOT a s*** parent.  If you were, why on earth is your daughter with you right now?  My guess is that you are one of the few people left on the planet who actually cares about your daughter.  Please don't believe the baloney your kid is saying.  It's all just a deflection from her underlying insecurities and issues which have completely overwhelmed her.  It might even be a projection of your daughter's feelings onto you.  If she's calling you s****, worthless, abusive, manipulative, friendless, a liar and better off dead, in all likelihood your daughter is projecting how she feels about herself onto you.

The recent events are very upsetting indeed.  It can take some time to wrap your head around it all.  But you've come to the right place, you're not alone.  The number one piece of advice on this site is to take care of yourself first.  As a parent, that probably feels unnatural, but you have to prioritize your wellbeing above all else.  Your daughter needs you now, and you're no good to her if you are a basket case of shock, worry, despair, anger, grief and confusion.  You're not thinking clearly if you are walking around in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  You can't save her--she has to decide to do that for herself.  But her chances increase dramatically if you are a calm, rational, stable and supportive ally--but supportive in the right way for BPD, which can sometimes seem counter-intuitive.

The other good news is that your daughter is only 21.  She has a diagnosis now, and she's still very young, she can get treatment for BPD before it derails her entire life.  With the right treatment, she can learn all sorts of emotional regulation, relationship and coping skills that can make a huge difference in how she functions day-to-day.  We probably could all benefit from learning those sorts of skills; therapy doesn't have to be an indictment of someone's personality or upbringing.  Framing therapy as a way to get extra, professional help to cope with stress and trauma might be the way to go.

Has your daughter authorized you to discuss her follow-up care with her medical team?  Does she have any therapy scheduled?  My opinion is that therapy probably should be your daughter's number one priority right now.  Was your daughter attending college?  She might try to insist on getting back to college as soon as possible, to avoid missing out on things she wants to do such as spring break (I'm speaking from experience here).  But my opinion is that expecting her to jump right back into her "old" life without addressing the issues that got her into the hospital would be setting her up to fail.  My opinion is that in the short term, therapy should probably be your daughter's number one priority.  My guess is that she'll fight you on that, and she'll blame others (friends/roommates/family) for causing all her problems.  That's the typical M.O. of someone with BPD--blaming others and always being the victim.

I hope you take a deep breath, shed all notions of taking the blame for your daugher's dysfunction and try to remain calm.  Dealing with BPD is a marathon, not a sprint.  And it's a marathon that is best run one baby step at a time.  I'd say that the first baby step is probably for your daughter to find a therapist whom she trusts.

Hope that perspective helps a little bit.