My adult daughter has BPD

[Ellibear2]

  This is my 1ST time visiting this site. I have a 32-year-old daughter with BPD.
She blew up again 5 weeks ago, told me to never contact her again. My issue is that she will not allow me to see my 2 1/2-year-old grandson that I am very close to. It is breaking my heart & I'm sure he is confused. I just don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out but she replies by sending nasty & verbally abusive emails. She has blocked me from her phone. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

This is my 1ST time visiting this site. I have a 32-year-old daughter with BPD.
She blew up again 5 weeks ago, told me to never contact her again. My issue is that she will not allow me to see my 2 1/2-year-old grandson that I am very close to. It is breaking my heart & I'm sure he is confused. I just don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out but she replies by sending nasty & verbally abusive emails. She has blocked me from her phone. Any suggestions?

Hello and welcome to the family!  You are certainly not alone and many of us here are grandparents.  I went through this a few years ago with my non-BPD daughter (over an argument/separation with her BPD mom).  It was devastating and the only thing that got me through it was remembering that it was only for now, not for forever.

Your daughter is sick and currently, she's unstable.  Now is not the time to argue over visitations because the more you push, the more vindicated she feels that you're the source of her problems.  That's not true, of course, the source is mental illness. 

It's almost impossible to fix things when she's in that mindset because she's feeling like the victim.  So anything you say or do is run through the lens of, "I'm so hurt and she's blaming me for things...this proves how little she cares!"  It's the trap all of us end up facing and we unintentionally get it so wrong.

I'll repeat- this is for right now, it's not for forever.  Take some time to heal yourself and while you wait out this storm.  There are fantastic resources here on how to properly communicate with a BPD child and it's helped me turn around the relationships with multiple BPDs in my life.

I hope that helps and please continue to ask questions, vent, or whatever you need to get through these next few days/weeks.  You'll find sympathy and compassion here because so many of us can directly relate.

[Mutt]

Ellibear,

I’m really sorry. Being cut off from your grandchild like that is heartbreaking. There’s no way around how much that hurts.

When things blow up like this, especially between a parent and adult child, the words can be very absolute. “Never contact me again” often comes out of intense emotion and impulsiveness in the moment. That doesn’t mean it won’t shift later. But right now, the pain is real.

If she’s responding with abusive emails and blocking you, it may mean the situation is still very hot. Reaching harder usually just adds fuel. Sometimes the steadier move is a short, calm message and then space. Something simple like:
“I love you. I’m here when you’re ready. I love him and hope to see him when things settle.”

No defending. No arguing. Just steady.

In the meantime, take care of your own heart. This kind of cutoff shakes you. You deserve support while you’re carrying it.

You’re not alone in this.

[CG4ME]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this.  My 30yr old daughter wBPD cut me off a few weeks ago.  As well as my middle daughter 28 yrs old undiagnosed but I'm afraid she has NPD.  It has been so painful and the emotional toll has affected my health.  I sent both girls a short message saying I love you hope all is well and the middle child sent me a long message basically pathologizing me telling me I need help and if I don't apologize she will not speak to me.  I tried to repair with my oldest with BPD and that was the agreed upon goal but it didn't go well because she didn't hear what she wanted to hear and raged at me and I hung up the phone.  The sad part is She told my husband she is pregnant and that was something she knows I was looking forward to bein a part of.  She is intentionally trying to hurt me because she feels that I don't care about her.  In December my husband got ill and I had reached out to the girls for help and the oldest wBPD told me I frustrated her with my request and even though I said it was fine if she couldn't she wasn't able to get over it and it escalated to emotional abuse.  The middle one was even worse and called me horrific names because I shared my feelings with her about being so tired and stressed for caring for her dad and she ran with it and out came the verbal abuse.  I set a boundary for the first time and told them I would not tolerate the abuse and they are adults now and I deserve to be treated with basic respect.  I canceled hosting Christmas but did offer for them to drop by for a visit if they wanted to see their dad and if they were respectful but they said no.  Now I am being blamed because my boundary was perceived as a punishment and I am expected to apologize for upsetting them but there is no acknowledgement of the harm they caused, which is why I had to set the boundary in the first place to begin with. It's insane and hard to understand this behaviour.  I'm not sure I even want to get to know my grandchildren because I think that would break me completely. All I can say is you are not alone in this and it's not anything you can control or fix.  Keep talking to people and reaching out for support because it does help.  I wish they had a live chat room on this site.  Sometimes the pain can feel unbearable and it would be nice to be able to connect on the spot.  Take care of yourself and pray.

[js friend]

Hi Elliebear2,

Iam so sorry that you are experiencing being cut off fro your grandchild. I know how much this hurts as I have been cut off from my gc for the past 5 years. Previous to this estrangement my udd would cut me off regulary without a thought of how it would affect my gc's mental health, and she would refuse to discuss it.
The first time I saw my gc again after the first estrangement my eldest gc  (2yo at the time) cried and cried but it didnt stop my udd from doing it again less than 1 year later. She would often block my calls/ texts or change her number just as your dd is doing and then just reappear and re-engage again as if nothing had happened when she needed something.


It was also hurtful especially knowing that my gc would not have understood why I was suddenly not in their lives anymore. I was shocked and upset and sent messages begging and pleading with her which she would never respond to. I also asked others to speak to her on my behalf to get her to change her mind but none of it worked. By about the fourth time of it happening I felt a lot calmer as  It had became the usual pattern and I was always waiting for it to happen again and my mental health began to suffer with anxiety but I allowed it to carry on for the sake of my gc.

5years ago my udd met someone who became her live in partner. since he moved in I have had not seen my gc, met her partner or met my new gc  they have had together but Iam  Hopeful that my gc who remember me  will look for me when they are older and I hold onto that thought.

The advice I will give is to  literally take one day at a time, even hour by hour if necessary and not to chase your udd for contact. Wait for her to contact you. It may be only because she needs your help but just take it for what it is if it happens. In the meantime look after your mental health and focus on you even if it is something small like going for a walk. I found that it also helped to arrange to do something the times that you would normally be having your gs.

Reaching out is the normal/healthy thing to do as it makes us feel that we are making an effort but we are not dealing with a normal r/s. Watching what we say and do all the time and putting our own needs to one side is not a normal healthy r/s. It is a one sided r/s so your udd wont appreciate your begging or pleading or hearing how this is affecting you hence the abuse you are experiencing and she will probably only re-engage again on her own terms.