oh no...

[In4thewin]

I'm worried, and unfortunately my mind always goes to the worst case scenario. Yesterday I met with my daughter (pwBPD) and her boyfriend for what I thought would be a pleasant breakfast. Immediately I realized ther was a problem..... she walked in prior to him and was upset....talking fast, on the verge of crying etc. Then he walked in after parking the car..... he was was stoic and white faced... like deer in headlights. Then he didn't want to order breakfast... because he "wasn't hungry". He was clearly very upet. Fast forwarding.... when he went to the bathroom, I asked my daughter what the problem was... trying to keep her calm. She was all over the place, crying etc., but then it "really" came down to a situation/issue with his 8 year old daughter that happened earlier that morning. All I was able to extract before BF came back out was that in my daughter's opinion, his daughter was being unreasonably difficult/demanding that morning...and my daughter didn't agree with the way he handled it.... and _____ hit the fan at SOME point. Again, I have no clue if something bad happened in front of the child or directly involving the child.... or if the major issue happened afterwards bewteen my daughter and BF when they were on their way to meet me. Anyway, by the end of a very long breakfast due to slow service, everything seemed to be smoothed over.... but I AM WORRIED.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Win,

I understand it's worrying to witness fights and their aftermaths.  But here's the thing, I think you naturally jump to the worst-case scenario.  I don't mean that as criticism, but merely to recommend doing some "checking in" with your thought patterns, because they seem to be stressing you out, maybe unnecessarily.  I know that dealing with BPD is extremely stressful(!!!), and that you only want the best for your dear daughter.  My sense is that she would benefit from having a mom that's less stressed out with panic.

I know I'm wired differently (and so I do a lot of "checking in" with myself too!), as I'm just not as emotionally reactive as many of my family members seem to be.  My husband is a very reactive type, he immediately assumes the worst.  An good example of these differences happened just recently, because his daughter was staying at a resort in Mexico when violence broke out.  He was flying off the handle with worry.  I said to him, Honey, I know it's scary, and I'm concerned too, but your daughter texted you and said she was fine.  We know she's in the resort.  We have contact with her.  She's probably just going to have to shelter in place until things calm down.  And then he snapped back, extremely angrily, But what's the alternative, she could be killed in the streets!?!  I said my darling, that's probably not the most likely scenario.  Chances are she'll have to stay a couple of extra nights and re-schedule her flight for a later date when things calm down.  And he said, You don't know that.  I said, I understand things could get worse, but they might not.  No fatalities have been reported.  We're not air-lifting Americans yet.  All we've seen are the same two burned-up busses on the news--that's it.  So let's not panic yet.  Later, I showed him the airport schedules, and we could see that the local airport was open and that a few international flights were arriving and leaving.  Not many, but some.  With facts, my husband seemed to calm down.  And I'm pretty sure that the most-likely scenario I described is the one that's actually going to happen.  Perhaps ironically, his daughter sent a snappy text back telling her dad to stop "harrassing" her.  My husband was upset by this.  I had to translate it for him:  Honey, she's worried too, and she's just taking it out on you because you keep asking her for updates on her status.  She's OK, and she needs a calm and reassuring dad right now, not a frantic one.

Now here is what I see.  Your daughter and her boyfriend had an argument.  They were both upset.  But they were composed and united enough to go through the breakfast with you.  The boyfriend retreated the the bathroom, probably to try to calm down and compose himself, taking a few deep breaths.  Your daughter shared with you limited details about the incident, but honestly, it's her and her boyfriend's business.  Maybe things get worse, or maybe they resolve the conflict.  It seems like the latter is a more likely scenario, because they both came to the breakfast with you, remaining united despite the obvious tension.

Look, I understand that dealing with non-biological kids can create a lot of tension in a relationship.  My guess is your daughter commented on her boyfriend's parenting approach, and he took it as criticism.  He might think his girlfriend has no experience parenting and therefore she's not qualified to opinine--it's HIS kid after all.  If he said that, she might have felt offended, as if she'll never be "qualified" to act like a mother to his child, if that's what she dreams of doing--she could see her "status" at risk.  Or maybe it's something completely different.  But really it's between them to resolve, or maybe not resolve.  Maybe they break up.  Break ups happen all the time, and they aren't the end of the world, either.  Maybe they're seeing that the match isn't a great one.  Or maybe they realize it is, and they can survive arguments here and there, even big ones over parenting.  I think you just have to wait patiently and see, but not panic over things that haven't even happened yet.  Concern, maybe.  I try to be cautiously optimistic until the facts prove otherwise.

[js friend]

Hi In4thewin,

I dont understand. What are you exactly worried about?

[Pook075]

For over a decade of my life, every single day was super high stress and worry over what my BPD teenager would do next.  If she wasn't fighting me, she was fighting someone else or there was some life-changing thing happening that could send the entire planet spiraling...at least that's how it felt.

In time though, I realized that just because my daughter's life was chaos didn't mean mine should be as well.  In fact, by distancing myself from her life and not getting pulled into her continual drama, I could parent a lot more effectively and it was good for my physical/mental health.  I accepted that my problems were my problems, and her problems were her problems.  I'd help if I could, but it wasn't going to alter my life anymore since my kid rarely took my advice anyway.

Today, my daughter still has daily struggles in her mid-20's, and there's still endless drama from one moment to the next.  It's not my drama though and I don't try to fix it.  Instead, I'll just be a dad and be willing to listen or talk out anything.  And by letting my kid face her own problems, our entire dynamic has changed.  It's relaxed, it's easy now, and I no longer get sucked in.