First post here.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is my first time posting here, and I’m honestly not sure where to turn. My marriage of over ten years has certainly had its fair share of problems, but things have become much worse over the last few years. I’m fairly certain my spouse is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. I know those terms get thrown around a lot these days, but I feel that their behaviour certainly falls within these categories.

They are incredibly thin-skinned regarding any perceived alternative perspective or criticism. It usually results in an angry outburst, mockery, or both. It feels as though they intentionally make it so painful for me to raise a legitimate concern that I’ll eventually just give up and stop bringing things up altogether.

This behaviour has been a constant throughout our marriage, but it has really intensified over the last three years. During this time, my spouse lost their father after a long battle with cancer, and they currently have a fractured, "no-contact" relationship with their mother. To my mind, this should have been the perfect opportunity for them to lean on me so we could strengthen our bond while I helped them through the grieving process.

Instead, the general anger they’ve always had has increased, and it’s frequently aimed at me. Minor disagreements escalate in a heartbeat. I’m often called names and told to "just shut the f--- up." If I stand my ground and say I don't appreciate being spoken to like that, I’m told I’m being "too sensitive", or that if I don’t like it, I can leave. When I point out that I deserve a bit of respect and that they wouldn’t like it if I talked to them that way, it only makes matters worse.

I’m at my wits' end. The frequency and intensity of these outbursts are becoming unbearable. I know that this behaviour is the result of grief, combined with their BPD.  I am often told that it is my responsibility to repair what is wrong with our marriage. I feel that I am trying, but nothing is considered good enough.  I don't know how to repair it when my spouse doesn't think their behaviour toward me is unacceptable.  My gut reaction is to simply pack it in and leave, but we have three children at home. The thought of not seeing them every single day is what’s stopping me. I know there are those that will argue that the kids are seeing this disfunction as normal behaviour, and that's not good either. I’m not sure what the next step is, but I know there are others here with similar stories. I just want to be part of a community where I can share what’s happening without judgment. Thank you for reading.

[AaronP]

This is my first time posting here, and I’m honestly not sure where to turn. My marriage of over ten years has certainly had its fair share of problems, but things have become much worse over the last few years. I’m fairly certain my spouse is a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. I know those terms get thrown around a lot these days, but I feel that their behaviour certainly falls within these categories.

They are incredibly thin-skinned regarding any perceived alternative perspective or criticism. It usually results in an angry outburst, mockery, or both. It feels as though they intentionally make it so painful for me to raise a legitimate concern that I’ll eventually just give up and stop bringing things up altogether.

This behaviour has been a constant throughout our marriage, but it has really intensified over the last three years. During this time, my spouse lost their father after a long battle with cancer, and they currently have a fractured, "no-contact" relationship with their mother. To my mind, this should have been the perfect opportunity for them to lean on me so we could strengthen our bond while I helped them through the grieving process.

Instead, the general anger they’ve always had has increased, and it’s frequently aimed at me. Minor disagreements escalate in a heartbeat. I’m often called names and told to "just shut the f--- up." If I stand my ground and say I don't appreciate being spoken to like that, I’m told I’m being "too sensitive", or that if I don’t like it, I can leave. When I point out that I deserve a bit of respect and that they wouldn’t like it if I talked to them that way, it only makes matters worse.

I’m at my wits' end. The frequency and intensity of these outbursts are becoming unbearable. I know that this behaviour is the result of grief, combined with their BPD.  I am often told that it is my responsibility to repair what is wrong with our marriage. I feel that I am trying, but nothing is considered good enough.  I don't know how to repair it when my spouse doesn't think their behaviour toward me is unacceptable.  My gut reaction is to simply pack it in and leave, but we have three children at home. The thought of not seeing them every single day is what’s stopping me. I know there are those that will argue that the kids are seeing this disfunction as normal behaviour, and that's not good either. I’m not sure what the next step is, but I know there are others here with similar stories. I just want to be part of a community where I can share what’s happening without judgment. Thank you for reading.

[Pook075]

I am often told that it is my responsibility to repair what is wrong with our marriage.  I don't know how to repair it when my spouse doesn't think their behavior toward me is unacceptable.  My gut reaction is to simply pack it in and leave, but we have three children at home.

Hello and welcome to the family; thanks so much for sharing.  I too was in that place not too long ago so you have my sympathy.  It's a heartbreaking cycle and it's so incredibly hard when you don't have answers.  Hopefully we can help.

First off, it is not your responsibility to repair your marriage- that's a shared responsibility.  You can't change what your partner thinks or how they feel; you're only responsible for you.  There are ample resources here to help you learn better communication tactics within your marriage, but at the same time those are secondary to your personal wellbeing. 

Have you spoken to anyone about the burdens you're carrying?  What are you doing for self care?  I'd love to hear more of your story.

[AaronP]

Thank you for your response.  I appreciate you asking about my self care.  I am seeing a therapist.  I feel that it is beneficial to some extent.  But, there are times I feel self-conscious because it seems that most of my sessions are me simply relaying the recent episodes in which my spouse has mistreated me.  It feels rather pathetic at times.  I am sure there are things I could and should be working on to help me improve as a person.  But, the sessions are usually just me venting.  Also, my spouse routinely wants to know what I worked on or discussed with my therapist. They say that my sessions should be focused on how I can improve toward repairing the marriage, and should not be focused on myself.  I realize it's a control mechanism.  But, I almost dread days on which I have a session because I don't want to be questioned afterward.  So, I typically fabricate some vague, general things we discussed.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your response.  I appreciate you asking about my self care.  I am seeing a therapist.  I feel that it is beneficial to some extent.  But, there are times I feel self-conscious because it seems that most of my sessions are me simply relaying the recent episodes in which my spouse has mistreated me.  It feels rather pathetic at times.  I am sure there are things I could and should be working on to help me improve as a person.  But, the sessions are usually just me venting.  Also, my spouse routinely wants to know what I worked on or discussed with my therapist. They say that my sessions should be focused on how I can improve toward repairing the marriage, and should not be focused on myself.  I realize it's a control mechanism.  But, I almost dread days on which I have a session because I don't want to be questioned afterward.  So, I typically fabricate some vague, general things we discussed.

If therapy is helpful overall- great!  But if not, then it may be worth it to consider another therapist.  It's also perfectly okay to vent; don't worry about what your spouse says about your treatment.  This is about you, not anyone else, so don't let the outside noise influence you.

If you feel pressured to give an account, it's okay to say that you don't want to talk about it.  With BPD in the mix, it's possible your partner is just making sure you're not bad-mouthing them to a therapist.  Well, news flash, that's what people do at therapy...they open up about their problems.

Additionally, many members here have benefitted from therapy (myself included) and most therapists have therapists of their own.  Hopefully that helps!

[SuperDaddy]

Hi AaronP,

In regard to your fear of being away from the kids, I have already gone through this three times, with three different wives. I can tell you for sure that if you get shared custody and your days are respected, you'll then have way more quality time with your kids. Firstly because your mood will be better, and secondly because your spouse won't be controlling you (they may try remotely though).

The big risk is when the other spouse does parental alienation, which can make your kids suddenly hate you for no reason after spending too much time with your ex, even if that's violating your custody rights. Another problem is the court dispute, which is expensive and exhaustive. Your troubled spouse is very likely to make false accusations, and the results may be unsettling if you don't have the same energy as them to fight.

With the third wife, I still have a relationship, but we live apart. This is the ideal setup, because it avoids the court battle, but it is only possible if the couple still loves each other greatly.

You should consider your options.

In regard to therapists, I think you should also try other options. I have tried asynchronous human chat therapists, whom you can send messages to at any time, and the cost was times lower than regular synchronous mode. But if you need to vent lots of information and get help consolidating it, perhaps an AI therapist would be ideal.

[ForeverDad]

They are incredibly thin-skinned regarding any perceived alternative perspective or criticism. It usually results in an angry outburst, mockery, or both. It feels as though they intentionally make it so painful for me to raise a legitimate concern that I’ll eventually just give up and stop bringing things up altogether.

My gut reaction is to simply pack it in and leave, but we have three children at home. The thought of not seeing them every single day is what’s stopping me. I know there are those that will argue that the kids are seeing this disfunction as normal behaviour, and that's not good either.

As disheartening as it is to contemplate ending a dysfunctional relationship, there are positives there.  Not that you want it, but you've had a decade and the home environment has gotten worse, not better.  (BPD is a disorder impacting most the close relationships.)  Change does come at a price, no normal person wishes to end a committed marriage.  But it continues to be one-sided, one trying to build up, the other tearing down.  When what you're trying to accomplish continues to be sabotaged, then what?

One positive of separation is that you can recover a bit from the disrespect, verbal attacks and endless conflict.  As they say at the start of every flight, In the event of an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help others.

Another positive is that your children would experience the difference between a reasonably normal and stable home versus one that is ever-changing, stressful and continually in conflict.

I and so many others here have faced that dilemma.  In my case, my ex was threatening to disappear with our preschooler.  Whether she would have or could have done it, who can say for sure?  But it reached the point where I had no other choice but to protect my parenting.

Meanwhile, read and learn from the time-tested wisdom recorded here, for example, improving your communication skills may make a difference.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are resistant to therapy (denial, blaming and blame shifting) but therapy is the best long term option for a better outcome.

[GratefulDad]

Hey AaronP, I relate so much to your situation. It stinks man and I m ow how much it hurts and brings you down. Nowadays the anger outburst don’t bother me as much as the nearly constant demeaning, belittling, and condescending rhetoric; I feel that she wants me to feel the way she does on the inside. To be clear she is deeply traumatized but it’s hard to be empathetic to that when she’s attacking you. I’ve had numerous therapist over the years, most encouraging me to set boundaries or leave the marriage which did little to help. I felt the same that it was usually a pathetic venting with no progress and I often left without much hope. Acceptance at the best. About a year ago, however I found a new therapist and it has made a huge difference. He has me working on myself, not dealing with BPD, not the relationship but improving my self confidence, dealing with my emotions and stressors, and getting to a place where I feel safe regardless of my external circumstances. It’s not perfect but it’s better. My wife’s behavior still affects me and it’s still hard but that’s secondary to me working on my mental health. I guess my advice is this, find a therapist that understands BPD but wants to work on you first. My therapist works at a group that specializes in DBT and he specializes in therapy for men within that group. I’m commenting here today because he’s encouraged me to get my feelings out (its been a particularly tough past few days) and this is a group has a lot of folks that can relate to you, offer encouragement and be a safe place. Hang in there man.

[ForeverDad]

GratefulDad made an excellent point. Counseling for our own benefit is so important and we may have to seek out one who has approaches to fit our needs.

I failed to mention that in my earlier post here.  My bad.  But my post later that day to another member did highlight the value of working on ourselves.

Welcome back.  We encourage our membership to seek self care whenever needed.  And especially when the disordered person isn't responsive to our needs or is continuing to distress us.  Here are a few ideas, others will surely chime in soon and add their experiences and insights as well.

Did you know therapy is not just for your wife?  You too can avail yourself of counseling resources.  They may not be able to resolve the marital discord but they can focus on you and how you can deal with your spouse.