Struggling to support my daughter

[Janine52]

I am really struggling to support my daughter who bombards me with messages, discussing many situations which I try to assist with. I help her financially a lot, I try to do my best. I get accused of not understanding not validating. It’s wearing me down. I struggle with my own issues. I also have many things going on in my life. I work in a stressful environment… I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’m exhausted by it all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  If you read some threads I bet you will see some familiar themes, including feeling bombarded by texts, having to provide seemingly unending financial support, and feeling exhausted and stressed out with worry, primed for the next crisis.

Would you mind sharing a few more details about your daughter?  My guess is that she's a young adult, when BPD behaviors typically start to look like dysfunction, often in the early years of college.  Many parents here say that their BPD child was difficult at a younger age, whereas others wonder, what happened to their previously sweet, sensitive and intelligent daughter?  Is your daughter living with you right now?  It sounds to me from your post that she's not.

Let me guess, she's having trouble completing studies.  She can't seem to find a job or hold one down.  And she's lost all her friends.  Her living situations look chaotic.  That would be typical for BPD.  But on the other hand, if she were able to finish a course or two, work a few days here and there at a job, and had just one friend, that would be something.  If she could live independently for a few months, that would be a great sign.  With BPD, thinking in terms of baby steps can be helpful.

Does your daughter have a diagnosis?  That would be something too.  At least you know what you're dealing with.  And if your daughter is a young adult, I think that's good news too, because she's young enough to turn her life around with therapy.

But first, you need to take care of YOU.  You're no good to your daughter if you're completely stressed out and in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  Alas, you can't "fix" your daughter.  You're not to blame for her problems, either, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  When you understand that, it's easier not to take her barrage of meanness personally.  Since your daughter's thinking is overly negative and blaming, she really needs you to be a calm and rational mom, not a stressed-out, reactive and despairing mom.  How does that sound?