How to effectively support a low functioning BPD adult child

[Batzerto]

This post is kind of a mess. 

Our Daughter is about to turn 31.  She is in her fourth involuntary mental health commitment in the last 6 months.  In between, she lives in her car.  It was stolen recently, though, so hopefully that won't be an option once she gets streeted from this go around.

As many of you have done, we've run the BPD-gamut with her since this emerged in adolescence. So many treatments.  So many therapists.  So many psychiatrists.   We've done it all.  She was violent, and we had the police out many times. 

I have spent what feels like hundreds of hours being trapped and harangued by her. She cycles herself up into these circular arguments that just go round and round, never ending.   Listening doesn't help.  Active listening doesn't help. Compassionate listening doesn't help.  Setting boundaries doesn't help.

When she was a teenager, if we left the house she would break things, if we retreated to a room she would kick the door and throw things.   She put a brick through our car windshield.  She put rocks through our kitchen window.

Since she’s been out on her own (we pushed her.  She showed no desire to leave.) her life has been lurching from one crisis to the next.   For over a decade now.

She is unable or unwilling to take interest in the details of her life. she doesn't know what meds she takes or what they're for, ('they give me all kinds of stuff'), doesn't know her diagnosis ("They diagnose all kinds of things, who cares?").   The things in her life are very vague, and, of course, it's everyone else's fault.

It is hard to find anything positive to say.   It's depressing and heartbreaking.

I don’t know how to do anything that’s helpful.  She cannot live at home.   Just to talk to her is heartbreaking for me.  I am still grieving the lost child and the adult who will never be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I've walked the same path.  My BPD daughter is coming up on 27.

You talked a lot about your daughter and what she's done to get treatment (or avoid treatment).  But what have you done for yourself?  I ask because raising a BPD kid leads to mental health issues for everyone in the household (insomnia, depression, stress, etc).

You can't fix your kid- it's 100% impossible.  But if you invest in yourself as you distance from her problems, a lot of good can come from it long term.

[Batzerto]

Certainly, there is nothing like having a BPD child to expose all my own maladaptive behaviors.  I've struggled with enmeshment, depression and poor boundaries.  I know (now) that I have these issues.  It is a constant up and down.  I've learned how to block her from contacting me.

As some backstory, this daughter (caller her #4) is one of five children we adopted from social services.  We have no birth children. She is fourth youngest. #5 is also a daughter who was born addicted to heroin.  They are about 14 months apart.  #5 became addicted to heroin in her teens, and currently lives in a car with her boyfriend.  They are on and off of fentanyl.

#3, son, had/has reactive attachment disorder.  we have not been in contact for several years.  Son #2 just remarried his ex - wife and is stable living with a career.  Son #1 has been married for 25 years and has 3 lovely grandchildren. We see them often.

This is about daughter #2.    The most difficult part is that she keeps reaching out - if she left us alone that would be different, but I keep being dragged back into her life and have to deal with all the miserable aspects of it.

.... and, looking at what I just wrote, I clearly see a boundary issue.  If I were to set a boundary, though, and not see her or talk to her, I think about her.  How she's surviving.  How she's eating.  How lonely I know she feels.

[CC43]

She is unable or unwilling to take interest in the details of her life. she doesn't know what meds she takes or what they're for, ('they give me all kinds of stuff'), doesn't know her diagnosis ("They diagnose all kinds of things, who cares?").   The things in her life are very vague, and, of course, it's everyone else's fault.

Hi there,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with the negative behaviors, for what sounds like almost three decades now.  There must be a ton of emotional baggage.  You must feel exhausted, while at the same time worried sick.  You might even feel some PTSD.  Do you tense up every time the phone rings, bracing yourself for more traumatic news?

Here's the thing though.  I get the sense from your post that you might feel overly responsible.  When your daughter was a child, you were responsible for her.  But she's 31 now.  The excerpt above stood out to me:  She's unwilling or unable to take interest in her life.  It sounds to me like she's abdicating responsibility for herself.  That way, she can blame her problems on YOU, or maybe on the world in general.  I think the victim mindset is perhaps the worst part of BPD, because it renders her helpless.  She thinks others should change, not her.  She thinks others should over-function for her, that they OWE her.  She's stuck, and the victim mindset keeps her there.  That could be why therapy isn't working--she doesn't believe she needs it.  She's telling you she doesn't care about her life--she thinks she's worthless.  The sad reality is that she has given up, while you hold onto hope for something better.

I think that's why on these boards we sometimes read that pwBPD have to "hit bottom" before they decide to get some help.  It's just that it sounds like your daughter has to sink even lower.  And if you rescue her, giving her a comfortable landing when she's released from the hospital, she might think, Mom's responsible.  Even if your daughter is miserable, her life is "working" for her.  She hasn't learned yet the "rules" of adulthood--that violence lands you in jail, that unemployment leaves you virtually penniless, that being mean leaves you friendless, that nobody owes you anything, that happiness is a choice, that adult life is full of tasks you don't necessarily want to do, but you do them anyway because you are responsible.  It's not your fault she didn't learn these things--her BPD emotions have gotten in the way.

My sense is that you could benefit from some happiness in your life, to get some distance and help get over the grief.  Maybe you could spend more time with the grandchildren?  I think you owe it to yourself to find happiness in your life, now that your kids have all grown.  In fact I think you should model for your kids what a healthy adult's life looks like--including time for friends, grandkids, hobbies and fun trips.  How does that sound?  That way, should you resume contact with kids in some sort of crisis, you interact from a place of serene happiness, and you uphold boundaries to keep it that way.  In addition, they might learn from you how to have a healthier, balanced life.  How does that sound?

[Batzerto]

Yes, over-responsibility is a thing with me.  Boundaries! 

 I've always been willing to fall on a sword when things go wrong.  I feel guilty that daughter #4's BPD prevented us from dealing with daughter #5's addiction, that we had to make a Sophie's choice. I've felt guilty that we had to put Son #3 back into foster care, 6 years after we adopted him, because we couldn't manage his Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I beat myself up that we did the best we could for these kids, and it wasn't enough.  I beat myself up that we took on too much. 

I grieve that none of our friends or family could relate to any of the bizarre things we went through.

I do believe, though, that these kids had the best possible chance in life they could have had.   It just wasn't enough.

[CC43]

You are truly amazing to take on so many at-risk children.  I'm sure you tried your very best, and you should remember that.  But for adult relationships to work, both people need to work at it.  It's sad to say, but my guess is that your daughter has given up on herself.  She can't see anything good in her life--her talents, her adoptive family, her education, the access to therapists who were trying to help her.  My guess is that you tried everything possible to get your daughter help, but she wouldn't cooperate, at least for the time being.  Even though she didn't try hard enough, you did--you went above and beyond, probably to the detriment of your own health and happiness, you tried that hard.  That's not nothing.

My guess is that you are blessed with a loving heart, you are adept at dealing with difficult people, and you are extremely empathetic.  That could be your superpower gift.  But you need to give yourself some grace too.  Maybe once you find yourself in a happier place, you'll see that you did your best, and that it was enough. 

[Batzerto]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words.   It helps me climb down off the ledge.   I am learning to scope in my long-range thinking to just one day at a time.  It's nice to talk to, and hear from, people who 'get' BPD.