How to effectively support a low functioning BPD adult child

[Batzerto]

This post is kind of a mess. 

Our Daughter is about to turn 31.  She is in her fourth involuntary mental health commitment in the last 6 months.  In between, she lives in her car.  It was stolen recently, though, so hopefully that won't be an option once she gets streeted from this go around.

As many of you have done, we've run the BPD-gamut with her since this emerged in adolescence. So many treatments.  So many therapists.  So many psychiatrists.   We've done it all.  She was violent, and we had the police out many times. 

I have spent what feels like hundreds of hours being trapped and harangued by her. She cycles herself up into these circular arguments that just go round and round, never ending.   Listening doesn't help.  Active listening doesn't help. Compassionate listening doesn't help.  Setting boundaries doesn't help.

When she was a teenager, if we left the house she would break things, if we retreated to a room she would kick the door and throw things.   She put a brick through our car windshield.  She put rocks through our kitchen window.

Since she’s been out on her own (we pushed her.  She showed no desire to leave.) her life has been lurching from one crisis to the next.   For over a decade now.

She is unable or unwilling to take interest in the details of her life. she doesn't know what meds she takes or what they're for, ('they give me all kinds of stuff'), doesn't know her diagnosis ("They diagnose all kinds of things, who cares?").   The things in her life are very vague, and, of course, it's everyone else's fault.

It is hard to find anything positive to say.   It's depressing and heartbreaking.

I don’t know how to do anything that’s helpful.  She cannot live at home.   Just to talk to her is heartbreaking for me.  I am still grieving the lost child and the adult who will never be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders