Uncomfortable Solutions That Work With Disordered People

[TelHill]

Or adjust your schedule or routine so you don't run into her as much?  I did that once 10 years ago in a different workplace with a different boss.  She was just "too much" for me at the time, so I changed up where I parked and how and when I entered the workplace so I could avoid her.

This is what I did with difficult people when I had a job. This is what I do with the neighbor. It's tends to remove the target from your back. They have an itch they need to scratch and will look elsewhere.

 

Not Wendy, I very much relate to what you are saying. I am transitioning now to not tolerating abuse and it is scary but also feels good and right.

I do this when the line's been crossed a few times. I don't confront the person but let the 3rd party (City agency in my case handle it fairly and justly).

Hi Zachira
Human relationships are complicated by default and sometimes they can be extremely difficult. Even with our nearest and dearest, disordered or not.
This is the human condition. Please don't let this discourage you from trusting and opening up to people you know well and see where this gets you. You can protect yourself from the toxic and abusive individuals by distancing yourself and let them live their sad lives. It's not your problem.
I can relate to how you feel as I am a very private person myself with few friends and a difficult family life, but I try to keep things in perspective and not fuss over the unimportant situations.
Keep your cool always.
Regards.

People seem more isolated these days, including me. Having these various forces coming at us at one time feelings disorienting. I tend to think I'm the only one to go through this since my friends are few and far between. Everyone else is living happy lives is a holdover from childhood for me. Everyone has issues and deep disappointments.

Just as you said, September song, it's part of life. We all have weird bosses, neighbors, family and clogged sinks in our lives. These are things no one can escape.

I have noticed I go slower when I get to know people now. It gives me a chance to discern the person's character. I know I said that above so sorry for the repeat!

[zachira]

Going slow, taking time to know a person, and not being desperate for contact (either the person or myself) can really be the keys to discerning a person's character. The best relationships I have ever had come from knowing a person over time and seeing that this person pretty much never deviates from being a decent kind human being with firm boundaries no matter how difficult life is in the moment. I have a neighbor who has had some of the most terrible betrayals happen to her with close family members and significant others, yet she stays grounded and remains the kind caring decent person she has always been. I have told her many times how much I respect her for how she handles herself in different heartbreaking situations.

[zachira]

The disordered neighbor is right now sweeping and banging around in the HOA storage space adjacent to my house where my sand bags are stored. I realize now she reminds me of my mother with BPD who would go on these mad cleaning binges. My mother would do something like burst into my bedroom without knocking, demand I immediately sweep the garage, get mad it did not happen immediately, do it herself and then berate me for not doing it. It feels so uncomfortable being in my house and hear her banging around outside. I avoided her today which is really my only choice. Soon I will hopefully have my peace again once she is done. Right now I feel angry. She just lives too close to me and is so obsessed with controlling the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. The other neighbors have fewer problems with her as they live further away. She is elderly and deteriorating mentally. I have to remind myself things do eventually change. She will not be my neighbor forever.

[Notwendy]

I realize now she reminds me of my mother with BPD who would go on these mad cleaning binges. My mother would do something like burst into my bedroom without knocking, demand I immediately sweep the garage, get mad it did not happen immediately, do it herself and then berate me for not doing it. It feels so uncomfortable being in my house and hear her banging around outside.

It's hard when someone has behaviors that remind us of our mother. I've also had this experience. Sometimes the person is like my mother but sometimes they have a similarity in some way but aren't like her- yet it feels like they are.

I also would be feeling uncomfortable hearing the neighbor banging around. I think a quick relief would be noise blocking headphones, and also a sound machine when she starts doing this. A chain lock so she can't somehow come into your place, and you feel safe inside.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Thank you for understanding how we can get triggered when we are around someone whose behaviors remind of us how our mother with BPD treated us.
It can help to know that this is a different situation: I am now an independent adult and not a dependent child stuck stuck living with a mother with BPD who can act out at any moment. This neighbor has made it impossible for the HOA to hire anyone to take care of the grounds because she demands that whoever we hire do all kinds of work to meet her standards of perfection that the HOA will not pay for. The contractors eventually quit. I can hear her frustration as she bangs around trying to take care of the areas around my house which belong to the HOA. I have to remember that these are her feelings and a situation she created for herself: Let her own her feelings while I work on keeping my peace. 

[CC43]

Let her own her feelings while I work on keeping my peace. 

Exactly, well done.  I could imagine that your neighbor might intentionally be making a racket when she knows you're around to listen, a sort of passive-aggressive, thinly veiled expression of frustration, perhaps tinged with harsh judgment and superciliousness.  But remember, you don't have to be infected by her sour mood.  Try to do something else.  Maybe you can pity the neighbor for not having anything more interesting or substantitive to think about.  And you don't have to pay her any heed, UNLESS she messes with your property again.  Then you can take a picture and report her if you think it's necessary.  Your boundary could be, if she messes with your property without your consent, you report her, because she's not allowed to do that.  Otherwise, just let her work out her negative feelings without getting sucked in.

[zachira]

CC43,
Thank you for your helpful reply. I have some work to do on not getting sucked into her feelings. She is such an angry unhappy woman and I have been way nicer to her than most people would be. I have a lot to learn about setting boundaries with people like her: nice in the beginning, than show their true colors. One of my friends recently told me I get involved with the wrong people because I am way too nice. I realize I enable behaviors that other people would not put up with.

[CC43]

She is such an angry unhappy woman and I have been way nicer to her than most people would be. . . . One of my friends recently told me I get involved with the wrong people because I am way too nice. I realize I enable behaviors that other people would not put up with.

Zachira,

It's wonderful that you are nice.  I hope you don't see that as a weakness or a fault!  I think that you can still be nice, while not letting someone else's negativity get the better of you.  I know, it's extremely hard when someone in the immediate family has BPD--their aura is negative and toxic, probably most of the time.  You've developed a highly sensitive, bad-mood radar (short for Rage/Anger Detection Alert Response)?  The good news here is this woman is neither family nor living with you.  You can still be nice, and you can still enforce boundaries.  You can say, Good morning.  You can say, What nice weather today.  You can say, Can't talk now, I'm in a rush.  And you can say, My property is my private business, thank you for respecting that.  Always courteous, almost busines-like, and firm.

If this woman can't take a hint and continues to pester you about your property, you can repeat your phrase, My property is my private business, thank you for respecting that.  If she says, Yes, but . . . then your next line could be, Could you repeat that?  Like you're actually CONFUSED as to why she would have any opinion whatsoever about your private property, and that she'd disrespect your right to privacy.  If she still continues undeterred, then you could say, My property is none of your business, I'm not discussing it with you further.  Have a nice day, and walk away (or hang up the phone).  You might feel flustered after saying something like that, and that's OK.

[zachira]

The firm nice response to the neighbor does not work for me or anybody else. She mistakes this for an invitation to continue violating boundaries until she gets her way. I find that ignoring her completely, or blowing up at her works better than anything else. I am uncomfortable with treating another human being this way.