Moving on

[Popcorn27]

Hi,

Just about a year ago I had an amazing relationship with a girl I knew in college end just before I was graduating. After a breakup, loss of a friend, and feeling lost after graduation in general, she filed a restraining order on me. It ended with dismissal and jay agreeing to stay away.

The point of this is she was so important to me and I still care about her. I understand that she has a disorder and that it is so hard for her to be around people, specially me, and also be in those emotions at the same time. I know I have to let her go and I think I have done a tremendous amount of work already to the point where I don’t have depression anymore and I’m not constantly thinking about her, but it still lingers in my mind. I haven’t gone a single day without thinking about her at least a little since the breakup.

I’m going to another school to get a masters and I’m hoping that a change in scenery and a purpose is what will help me move on. I’ve done so much work in therapy just understanding that these connections I had with her and another friend who took her side were two of the most important people in my life that were just one day there and then they just weren’t anymore and I’m hoping to find more connections at college. I guess my question is how do you move on from someone who you thought was your life, especially when you still love her?

Thanks

[Pook075]

That's really the million dollar question...and I wish that I had a million dollar answer.  I don't think any of us do though.

For me, my marriage ended in similar circumstances and all I could do was take it one day at a time.  I spent so long being "that person" in "that relationship" that I didn't have any idea how to just be me.  Over time though, I found old friends and new hobbies.  There wasn't any particular day that I thought, "I'm over it!"  Instead, it was a slow adjustment of my new reality and actually finding myself once again.

I can feel the pain in your post and I'm so sorry that you're still going through this.  All I can say is, tomorrow will be just a little bit better than today.  Stack enough of those up and mix in some new friends, and you'll be well on your way to a new chapter in life.

One other thing; I found that the busier I was, the easier I let go.  I had to stop binging Netflix; I replaced that with bike rides every afternoon and it helped a lot.  Anytime I was home alone with nothing to do, my mind would wander and I realized that it made more sense to go for a walk, visit a friend/family member, or find something productive.  I actually started volunteering at a local organization so I'd just be busier in general; all these things helped me a lot!

[CC43]

Hi there,

I like your question because it secretly gives you an answer.  You ask, how do you move on?  I think, you keep moving.  I'm a big believer in actions, especially ones that involve forward momentum.  Hobbies, exercise/sport, learning new things and spending time with friends can be a big help here.  Like Pook says, if you keep busy, that will become your focus, and then the past will gradually seem more tolerable.  Moving on implies not staying stuck or hung up on things you can't control.

I have a sibling going through a rough divorce right now.  The whole thing took him by surprise, and he's doubting his very identity.  He feels a mix of shame, regret, anger and grief.  One time when he was really down, I asked him to recall some moments he felt happy--anything that came to mind, nothing was insignificant or stupid.  He named one thing, and I said, Great, how about another?  And another?  And another?  And another?  After naming around a dozen happy moments in rapid-fire succession, I said, Well it seems to me that there are some themes here.  You seem to be happiest when you're outdoors, doing something active, or spending time with friends.  How about you focus on trying to do more of that in your life right now, when you most need it?  You have an opportunity here, because you don't have a partner to worry about right now (their schedule, their preferences, their needs, etc.)--you can pursue what makes you happiest with no guilt!  And I'm pleased to say that he started moving again.  He goes surfing.  He joined a pick-up hockey team.  He took a ski trip with some friends.  He joined a men's bible study group.  He goes for walks with a friendly neighbor.  Now when we talk, at least half of the conversation is about all the great stuff he's doing. 

Now, I'm older than my sibling, and physically I'm way past my peak.  But this year, I started cross-country skiing, whenever there was snow on the ground.  I also started stretching every day as a New Year's resolution.  I exercise my brain with daily foreign language lessons.  Sometimes I work on artistic projects, and sometimes I undertake small renovation projects.  I nurture an herb garden.  My point is, people have different tastes and aptitudes, and those can evolve over time.  But moving--as in, staying active--makes for a happier, fuller life in my opinion.

As for friends, you could try to reach out to some older ones.  I do that every so often.  I'll say something like, I thought of you and thought I'd check in to see how you're doing.  More often than not, they're delighted to hear from me, and we'll make plans to talk or get together.

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

she filed a restraining order on me

Sadly this says it all, you're not the only one here to have lived through that experience.  Ponder how someone who you thought loved you could file such a thing.  It's a legal action that could have followed you for life.  Yes, she's messed up, disordered apparently, but no matter how you look at it, she was bad news.

Your heart wishes it didn't end this way but that's the way it is.  Until your heart catches up with reality, listen to your brain.

Long term, perhaps years from now and depending on the local laws, your lawyer may have told you that you may be able to expunge that case so even though it was denied it won't haunt your future.

[Popcorn27]

Thank you all for these posts. It means a lot. I will definitely try to do things that will make my life have more purpose and activity in it. I’m also hoping that grad school will help in that respect as well once it starts.

 I just wish it wasn’t the way it was with her, but obviously it is. I just always think of what could have been. Like I said before everything felt perfect in that time with her, not just her but everything. Other things in my life were in the perfect area as well so now it kinda feels like I’m rebuilding and starting all over from zero. There are lyrics from a song called, “Fear,” by NF, “ Make all my hopes and my dreams come to life just to lay them to rest.”

I guess I just have to keep moving and put one foot in front of the other.

[hotchip]

Popcorn, thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly.

I am in a similar place in some ways. The loss of a shared life, shared values and a shared future is harder to deal with than the loss of the relationship.

One reason why these relationships are so compelling is the mirroring. They offer you something that looks perfect for you, because it is a mask that was constructed to please you. It isn't real. But the plus side is, you can look at what was in the mirror, or mask, and recognise qualities that you, as an independent person, have. There must be something there, or else they can't reflect it back.

'Make all my hopes and dreams come to life just to lay them to rest' - OK, but you *have* hopes and dreams. You have a life that you want to enjoy and work towards. You have feelings and needs and goals of your own, not just a desire to be pleased and validated by a partner. Isn't that a wonderful thing? Even the pain you're experiencing now shows that you *exist*.

People with this disorder aren't so lucky. Often, they don't know who they are or what they want outside of reflecting someone else. You are moving forward, going to school, finding momentum. You are alright

[Under The Bridge]

I guess my question is how do you move on from someone who you thought was your life, especially when you still love her?

It's sadly ironic that we, who loved the BPD partner, go through mental and physical hell when it comes to ending the relationship while the BPD is able to simply 'switch off' from us and head for the next partner in very quick time as though we never existed. Just doesn't seem fair at all.

Time is a great healer but that's no comfort when you're going through the breakup now - and you'll probaby always have some feelings for your ex-partner because this relationship was so intense and seemingly perfect. You will remember it far more than 'normal' relationships but it needs to be in its own little box, which you only open once in a while.

You will find massive relief when you do form a non-BPD relationship with someone. It's wonderful to not have to walk on eggshells in case it triggers a meltdown. The mental relief is amazing.. to actually be with someone who appreciates you the same way and have a good time. This is what we were meant for.

Stick with your hobbies and friends and socialise like you used to. You had a life before and you'll have it again. Often nice things happen when we least expect them, such as meeting someone new. Happened to me loads of times so stay positive and hopeful.

Best wishes.