Forging ahead

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven’t been on since late 2025. My husband and I split in the fall and we ultimately decided to give it another shot after I had invited him to spend  Christmas with kids and I at Universal Studios. In hindsight I should have set stronger boundaries and not been so easily swayed with his good behavior over the course of 4 days . By January 2026 he had moved back in and shortly after my father and law had moved out. I had hoped my FIL leaving would get things “back to normal” but shortly after he left my husband started acting paranoid, harassing me, calling me names and threatened to start stalking me. My health took a sharp decline. After going to primary care physician i found out I was pregnant. After telling my husband that sent him over the deep end. The name calling became 100x worse. He said the the baby couldn’t possibly be his and he’s taking me off his health insurance, I need to make that other man step up to the plate . All the mean and deplorable things you would never expect someone who claims to love you would say. The stress of living with him and his constant insults on top of my morning sickness (which was all day quiet honestly) made me feel like I was in a fog. I couldn’t hold down food or water, my stomach was cramping so awful …I swore at anytime I would miscarry. He would say cruel things like “ your probably carrying a dead baby and that’s why your sick “ and beg me to get an abortion to spare him the perceived embarrassment, and even say he doesn’t care about me or the baby and when he looks at me he doesn’t se me as anything but a sister. After weeks had gone by I was resolved that I was done. This isn’t love. He looks at me with total disgust. I asked him to move out.  He went on and on to the kids that I like splitting up families (this is my second marriage) and I think I can do everything by myself. He left and I changed the locks. I went to my first obgyn appointment and the baby is healthy and my cramps have stopped. It nice to come home and not have heart palpitations. My mother wants me to file a restraining order but I feel if he isn’t threatening me anymore why wake the beast .
After my first sonogram the kids shared their excitement with him and he called me with a renewed interest .huh? When he told me “ I don’t care about you , or this baby, so when the time comes don’t call me” I took it seriously. He wants to name the baby and be there at the delivery. Then he goes on about still needing me to tell the truth and be honest about the paternity . I told him he could do that when the baby is born and I file for divorce . I told him I will only be communicating through text message otherwise I’m not going to respond. A few weeks have gone by and he’s been cordial again. Fast forward to today  he demanded to speak with me on the phone about getting into my apartment to grab a few things while I wasnt home and wanting to know if changed my door code and told me if he guesses it he bet he can figure it out. Then he asked if I was messing with his father (for the millionth time). His behavior reminds me of a drug addict (he’s a weed smoker ). Then he calls back this evening and says he’s trying to be involved in the kids life including the baby and he’s doing his part (by keeping me on his health insurance and contributing to some of the household food) and I’m cold towards him. He wants to name the baby, and be there during delivery , etc and I’m thinking  no way!
He’s trying to intercept my peace . I’m not cold, I’m direct and will only talk about the kids with him . He wants me to let down my guard and tread him like a friend. He’s manipulative and needs serious help. But as much as I want to say he’s sick I’ve watched him turn his bad behavior on and off (in seconds) so it’s a choice.

[Pinkcamellias]

I haven’t been on since late 2025. My husband and I split in the fall and we ultimately decided to give it another shot after I had invited him to spend  Christmas with kids and I at Universal Studios. In hindsight I should have set stronger boundaries and not been so easily swayed with his good behavior over the course of 4 days . By January 2026 he had moved back in and shortly after my father and law had moved out. I had hoped my FIL leaving would get things “back to normal” but shortly after he left my husband started acting paranoid, harassing me, calling me names and threatened to start stalking me. My health took a sharp decline. After going to primary care physician i found out I was pregnant. After telling my husband that sent him over the deep end. The name calling became 100x worse. He said the the baby couldn’t possibly be his and he’s taking me off his health insurance, I need to make that other man step up to the plate . All the mean and deplorable things you would never expect someone who claims to love you would say. The stress of living with him and his constant insults on top of my morning sickness (which was all day quiet honestly) made me feel like I was in a fog. I couldn’t hold down food or water, my stomach was cramping so awful …I swore at anytime I would miscarry. He would say cruel things like “ your probably carrying a dead baby and that’s why your sick “ and beg me to get an abortion to spare him the perceived embarrassment, and even say he doesn’t care about me or the baby and when he looks at me he doesn’t se me as anything but a sister. After weeks had gone by I was resolved that I was done. This isn’t love. He looks at me with total disgust. I asked him to move out.  He went on and on to the kids that I like splitting up families (this is my second marriage) and I think I can do everything by myself. He left and I changed the locks. I went to my first obgyn appointment and the baby is healthy and my cramps have stopped. It nice to come home and not have heart palpitations. My mother wants me to file a restraining order but I feel if he isn’t threatening me anymore why wake the beast .
After my first sonogram the kids shared their excitement with him and he called me with a renewed interest .huh? When he told me “ I don’t care about you , or this baby, so when the time comes don’t call me” I took it seriously. He wants to name the baby and be there at the delivery. Then he goes on about still needing me to tell the truth and be honest about the paternity . I told him he could do that when the baby is born and I file for divorce . I told him I will only be communicating through text message otherwise I’m not going to respond. A few weeks have gone by and he’s been cordial again. Fast forward to today  he demanded to speak with me on the phone about getting into my apartment to grab a few things while I wasnt home and wanting to know if changed my door code and told me if he guesses it he bet he can figure it out. Then he asked if I was messing with his father (for the millionth time). His behavior reminds me of a drug addict (he’s a weed smoker ). Then he calls back this evening and says he’s trying to be involved in the kids life including the baby and he’s doing his part (by keeping me on his health insurance and contributing to some of the household food) and I’m cold towards him. He wants to name the baby, and be there during delivery , etc and I’m thinking  no way!
He’s trying to intercept my peace . I’m not cold, I’m direct and will only talk about the kids with him . He wants me to let down my guard and tread him like a friend. He’s manipulative and needs serious help. But as much as I want to say he’s sick I’ve watched him turn his bad behavior on and off (in seconds) so it’s a choice.

[At Bay]

You've learned a lot from the recent time with him, I think. The new baby will never have to hear him disrespect you or know him. If his parenting of his other children isn't healthy for them, he could have more troubles. You're free of that now, and I'm glad you're feeling better.

Having these new priorities sound like a breath of fresh air. Congratulations on your new baby.

[Pinkcamellias]

Thank you for the kind words  . Tonight I discovered he’s having an affair. I don’t know how to describe how this makes me feel. Relief? …that it all makes sense now.  …the People closest to me always said he was projecting onto me and I always defended the idea that it was a mental health issue and not actual infidelity. The vail has been lifted. No more wondering what I did to deserve this . I thank God for Thank you for the kind words  . Tonight I discovered he’s having and affair. I don’t know how to describe how this makes me feel. Relief? …that it all makes sense now.  …the People closest to me always said he was projecting onto me and I always defended the idea that it was a mental health issue and not actual infidelity. The vail has been lifted. No more wondering what I did to deserve this . I thank God for my kids and I’m honored to be entrusted with another bundle of joy. I was scared to file for divorce because the process is …traumatic  but I need to close this chapter of my life and get us on a parenting plan . kids and I’m honored to be entrusted with another bundle of joy. I was scared to file for divorce because the process is …traumatic  but I need to close this chapter of my life and get us on a parenting plan .

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry for your pain and glad for your clarity. I know this will be a process. In the hard times, remember that you deserve joy and tranquility and it will return.

[ForeverDad]

When the BPD traits cause a couple to separate, the distance apart can make it appear the disordered person is better.  But too often the person isn't better, the distance and time apart gives that impression and of course, as hopeful as reasonably normal people tend to be, we are willing to try again.

But this is reality and the dysfunction has, almost predictably, become evident again.  We wish it weren't so but trying again however many times does not confirm actual recovery.  Recovery requires hard work and typically focused therapeutic guidance.

Be prepared for the future.  You may have repeats of your hope that "this time he really is better".  Their push/pull on/off cycling had fooled us in the past but once we are aware of that risk we are better prepared.  "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."