Reframing the 'what ifs'

[hotchip]

Previous post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062251.msg13234941#msg13234941

I've been doing really well lately! I've gone back to certain projects that are really important to me, and am finding joy and sustenance in them - things that for a long time I've deprioritised - not solely because of the BPD relationship, but honestly, that was a huge part of my energy and solitude and lifeforce being sucked away.

I've also been making some progress on what Pook wisely calls the 'what if game' - trying to realistically appraise the level of control I had over the situation, rather than ruminating over 'what ifs' that might somehow have made things better.

Here are some examples:

- What if I hadn't been stressed and snappy towards former partner on various occasions?

It's normal to sometimes be stressed and snappy, especially if (as was the case) both partners are under extreme pressure. If the other person's response to this is to cheat, lie, manipulate, blame, engage in choatic and harmful actions with money, and generally get detached from reality, this can't sustain a successful relationship. 

- What if I did/ didn't do A and B and C which brought former partner into contact with the person he cheated/ monkey branched with?

You cannot live a life where you are not in contact with other people. Knowing other people does not cause a person to cheat, lacking integrity and self-regulation does. In addition, my former partner destroyed his last relationship by cheating, too. This problem of his is not about me, and precedes me.

- What if I went back in time and ran after former partner as he was walking out the door to the event where he cheated and told him what was going on and we tried to work out together how we could stop this and save the relationship, which I thought we both valued very much?

That is completely insane. It would only work if former partner really was a 'partner' in the sense of being someone capable and desirous of working with me to share a life together in integrity and care. Which... if he was that, he wouldn't have lied, manipulated, ________ed up with money and blamed me while I was forced to live on couches on months after he demanded I move out, and cheated!

Furthermore, when I look at what I did to support former partner with his mental health and other struggles - I kept him under suicide watch for a month. I helped him get access to healthcare he was eligible for, and encouraged him to use it (which he never did in part because he thought he was 'too smart' for therapy). I let him live with me rent free for seven months so he could save money for a holiday. None of that was enough for him to actually enact the love he claimed he felt through decent and loving behaviour, once his desire for validation kicked in.

Now I am contemplating going back in time using science fictional powers to save him from himself - that is completely ridiculous.

The experiment is done!

I did my best for someone who seemed at the time to have lots of good qualities. It wasn't a perfect best, but it was a good one. What happened was not my fault, and the 'what if' has been decisively answered. It would have failed whatever I did.

What are your 'what ifs' that you've had to re-imagine?



 
 

[PeteWitsend]

...

What are your 'what ifs' that you've had to re-imagine?

By the time I got divorced, I was done going over what ifs.  All I had was regret over the times I tolerated her nonsense.  But in my situation, having a kid with her who I love very much and am happy to have them in my life, I couldn't really engage in what ifs, because I know that had I put my foot down up front and said "It's not okay to talk to me like that" and called out her behavior, and ended it when I started getting endless excuses and blame shifting, instead of giving her another chance and rationalizing away why she did what she did or said what she did that it would have just ended sooner and I wouldn't have my daughter. 

So I really don't go down that path... if you treated a pwBPD as you should have, all you get is a relationship that ends earlier, if it even starts.  The only way to "win" is not to play... it's like running on a  hamster wheel.

I think, reading through your list of "What ifs..." what strikes me is that even if you had done everything right, you'd still be facing these same situations over and over again because the problem wasn't anything you did or didn't do, the problem was in his head; it was his way of behaving and his morals or lack thereof.  He would've found someone to cheat with eventually; it wasn't because of you. 

And so forth.

[Under The Bridge]

I did my best for someone who seemed at the time to have lots of good qualities. It wasn't a perfect best, but it was a good one. What happened was not my fault, and the 'what if' has been decisively answered. It would have failed whatever I did.

Sums it up perfectly.. and it's a real breakthrough on the road to healing when we finally realise that all our 'what if' thoughts wouldn't have changed a thing - even if by doing things differently we would have succeeded in defusing one situation, only for our BPD partner to simply switch onto something else with which to blame and abuse us.  It's what they do and is the nature of their illness.

We can do a million things 'right' for them, but they will always come up with some way we 'failed' them. Took me 4 years to realise that I simply couldn't win but I'm glad I did eventually see it and it helped me give up on a pointless and toxic relationship, with my conscience totally clear.