I feel insane guilt

[stevemcduck]

I was with my pwbpd for 6 years with one major 6 month break up period at the 5 year mark so we had been back together 6 months. I said something that triggered jealously in her and she attacked me. I was cut and bleeding bad, I reacted badly and grabbed her and asked is she wanted to know what it felt like to be beaten. the fear in her face won't leave me. I didnt hurt her but I threw her aside hard onto the floor. I was injured and bleeding badly. I acted out of fear, adrenaline and previous mental traumas from there relationship. I left the house but we had both been drinking and I drove off and was arrested. she was also arrested and evicted from my home and released on bail with instruction to not contact me. that was the last time I saw her, prior to that incident we were having such a fun loving night. I reached out to say my part and apologise for me part but it was read but not replied to. she sent a text when I first left the house saying I was scary and a different man and that she is scared of me. bear in mind im soaked with blood and not a mark on her. I know I need to get out but I feel such guilt for scaring her and I cant even make it right with her. im feeling so so low.

I still love her and want to talk to her.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

As much as you are inclined, even impelled, to want to reach out and contact her, wisdom says... Stop, pause and give yourself time to recover, not just from your injuries but from the impact of years of living with a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.

Note what the objective authorities did... They told her - possibly even ordered her - not to contact you.  It only makes sense that you reciprocate and not contact her.  Distance apart is a protection for both of you.

Now is a time for you to listen to your brain (and the counsel of objective others).  In time your heart will catch up and accept this is/was a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.  Might there be a future?  Unless and until you both work on your own issues, it would be best to respect the orders in place to limit or avoid more "incidents".

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and it sounds like an incredibly scary night. 

I had a similar incident in my marriage after being hit and attacked too many times to count.  I'd say, "If you keep hitting me, eventually I'm going to hit you back."  It was never my intention but when it happens over and over again in fits of hysteria, eventually something's going to give.  One evening she attacked me and was punching and clawing at my face in a frenzy.  Without even thinking, I slapped her back and it knocked her down.  It ate at me for a very long time.  She never hit me again though and I was thankful that the violence was over.  Not too many years after that, she'd start getting into fights with our teenage BPD daughter...they'd explode and attack each other.

With my BPD ex and I, the police were never called.  This was almost 20 years ago and I'm still ashamed of slapping her to this day.  It never should have happened and I hate that I had that moment of weakness, but through time I also see it in a different lens today.  What was supposed to happen?  That she attacked me every time we disagreed, my face gets scratched up, the house gets wrecked from her tantrums and we just did that for the rest of our lives? 

I couldn't see then what I see now; I was in an abusive, unhealthy relationship.  Nobody is meant to take abuse like that and there's a decent chance that it would have continued to escalate.  Just earlier that week, she had thrown a coffee cup and a fork at my head in rapid succession...she just barely missed as I dodged them.  Why?  Because I was washing the dishes and it angered her because she said earlier that she'd wash the dishes.

I hate talking about any of this.  I hate violence and I hate even having these memories.  I hate that I finally slapped her back.  But at the same time, if it helps someone else see that this sort of things is real and it's completely toxic, then I'd rather talk it out. 

Looking back, what I did wrong wasn't slapping someone that was attacking me for the 20th time (or however many times, it happened multiple times weekly).  It was being in that relationship in the first place and allowing the violence to be a daily possibility.  I deserved better than that, our kids deserved better than that, and you can't just keep abusing someone indefinitely without something else happening.  Eventually, it is going to escalate past the point of no return.

I also wonder with my BPD daughter, did she learn to attack others whenever she became upset because she saw mom do it at an early age?  I don't know.  That stuff just doesn't belong in a home in any way, shape, or form though.  It's a cancer and it spreads everywhere.  Violence of any kind is not okay and it is a clear sign that everyone involved needs to take time away from the relationship to recenter and reset.

[ForeverDad]

It might be a good time to review what we call the FOG of BPD... Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Guilt is hitting you hard right now.  What I shoulda, coulda...  What's done is done.  It's in the past, can't be changed, the key is what you are determined you will do - or not do - going forward.

Do you owe her an apology?  Is one deserved, considering how you yourself were attacked first?  Since you are to have no contact with her and the relationship appears ended, contacting her to offer an apology or remorse doesn't seem possible or even unwise.  After all, the court instructed her not to contact you and in order for her not to violate the court's instructions then you likewise mustn't contact her... even if you feel you need to "clear the air" or seek closure.  (When dealing with BPD relationships, closure is generally not possible.  Likely you will have to Gift yourself the Closure you seek.)

Ponder this:  This is more about how you view yourself.  You now know what it takes to drive you to react and defend yourself.  Just avoid any future scenarios where that can be allowed to occur again.

Now a legal aspect.  My lawyer told me his first task when hired after a domestic dispute was to SIT on his client.  Why?  (1) You have no obligation to confess anything, that's your 5th Amendment right not to incriminate yourself.  (2) Anything you say might make your lawyer's efforts to help you be much harder to accomplish - and trigger even bigger lawyer bills.

So if you feel that you must apologize, what can you say?  How about limiting any apologies to how you hurt her feelings.  Last I heard, courts in most countries won't find you guilty of hurting feelings.

[stevemcduck]

Thanks so much for the support guys. we are in the uk. from a legal standpoint there is no ongoing court case I dropped the charges. the police said it was clearly me that was the victim, I was worried about that with me being male and a lot older than her.

I sent a closure message and wished her well but made it clear it was over 2 days after the incident. It was not replied to but she was ordered not to contact me and I in hindsight maybe shouldn't have sent that message.

my issue now is that I cant seem to stop worrying about her. I do love and care about her and I know it was because of her condition, I know I shouldn't think this way but I feel addicted and so so sad. I care for her a great deal.

[Pook075]

Thanks so much for the support guys. we are in the uk. from a legal standpoint there is no ongoing court case I dropped the charges. the police said it was clearly me that was the victim, I was worried about that with me being male and a lot older than her.

I sent a closure message and wished her well but made it clear it was over 2 days after the incident. It was not replied to but she was ordered not to contact me and I in hindsight maybe shouldn't have sent that message.

my issue now is that I cant seem to stop worrying about her. I do love and care about her and I know it was because of her condition, I know I shouldn't think this way but I feel addicted and so so sad. I care for her a great deal.

If it makes you feel any better, she might reach out eventually and you can have a final conversation (or try to reconnect).  The time apart is almost certainly good though because it's an abrupt change in her life and she has to now face her decisions.  Maybe she does feel like a victim, that's common with BPD, but the police saw it differently and a part of her will know deep down that she crossed a line that should never be crossed.

Like you said, there's no long-term charges so there's nothing stopping her from reaching out.  She could be scared to right now for fear that she'd get arrested again.  That's probably a good thing too.

My question is- what are you doing with this time to recenter and take care of you?  Whether you rekindle the relationship or not, you must get a better handle on what happened so you're more prepared for the future.  What could you have done differently (walk away, change the topic, try to calm her down, etc)?  Use this time to reflect and learn from what happened.  If it's meant to be down the road, then you'll get there and be better equipped for it.

[stevemcduck]

Hi Pook

this is the second time we have broken up, I was on here a lot about a year ago. im not sure if I you can remember but she left out of nowhere and ran to London and kept me on the hook for 3 months and then we were in no contact for 3 months after that and then I reached out and we got back together.

this is when I learned about bpd and I have tried a great deal to implement what I learned.

what I have come to realise is that to make it work I cant ever share anything that brings her shame. and basically would need to shrink myself to keep the relationship.

I have no idea what I want. I know I cant really go back to her as this is now physically dangerous for me and went al emotionally. but I do want things to somehow work. I really do admire the angel inside of her. but that demon os also there and its scary