Haven't posted an update in a while- still struggling :-( :-(

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So....my untreated BPD male partner and I had a daughter 5 months ago. I have 2 other daughters age 6 & 9 from a previous marriage. I'm not married to my current partner. We've been living together for 2 years. He has really struggled since the baby came and even during the pregnancy. He has extremely high anxiety about the baby and believes my other children are going to hurt her. He isolates himself and the baby to the bedroom and takes the baby on outings with him and excludes me and my children. He continues to split the children and hates my other 2 children. This is the BIGGEST problem in our relationship - his relationship with my other kids. He has been verbally abusive to them at times, responds very inappropriately to their behavior  and speaks to them like they're adults. Mostly he completely avoids them and they avoid him. I tried getting him to move out after the baby was born BUT he's on the lease and refuses to leave. Last weekend he got angry and extremely anxious because I took the baby from the bedroom and had her out in the living room with my kids and I. I sent him several videos and said see everything is fine- she's happy and safe. He stayed gone all day. I decided I had had enough as this has been going on for several weeks and he has been extremely avoidant towards me with minimal communication. I moved my bed into the baby's room while he was gone. When he came back he said calmly "You moved the bed yourself?" I said yep. And that was it. We really haven't communicated since then. He is sleeping on the floor in the bedroom.  I hear him talking to himself and he has been saying everything is bad because of my kids, that our daughter isn't safe around them (he actually truly believes this- it's one of his delusions), that all I do is fight with him, he's going to find another girl who actually cares. OH and a few weeks ago we got into a big fight he told my youngest daughter to "Get the f*** out of his face"- I called his mother who is also BPD/Narcissist -not sure which- and told her to do something about his behavior or I'm calling the cops. He then called her and was defending himself and trying to justify his behavior and explain HIS side of things. He's been talking to her ever since and at one point while he was on the phone with her I yelled "Go stay with that bitch that abandoned you" - she heard me and started texting me saying how dare you, ect....I argued with her a couple times and calmly stated the facts- I said he was with his grandparents because you couldn't take care of him and then at one point he was in a foster home because he was out on the streets. She replied "You don't know what you're talking about" and I said "those are the facts whether you like it or not" and said so you're calling your son a liar then? I then blocked her. He has continued to talk to her and I believe she is manipulating him against me because they have never had a good relationship. SHE is the reason why he's the way that he is and I wanted her to deal with him- even though I know she's not capable of doing so. This fight is was triggered the protective avoidant behavior from him for the last few weeks. He cannot handle my emotions or reactions to things - it's just too much. I don't know what he will do next- I realize I have no control over his choices. I can only make my choices which was to move into the baby's room and at least get some distance. I think this made him very angry because now he doesn't have a bed to hang out on all day in that room with his TV so he has to sleep and sit on the floor. He is very attached to the TV it's constantly on and he stays in that room almost all the time. I don't like our baby being confined to that room ALL the time - she needs social interaction, play and stimulation other than the TV. I would appreciate your thoughts or feedback because I'm going crazy here right along with him. There is NOTHING I can say to him at this point- his thoughts are delusional and challenging them does absolutely no good. Today I told him I love you and miss you. It's the truth- I HATE this distance and loneliness. I am not HAPPY at all. Calmer maybe but not happy. I'm afraid he will leave me and I don't think I can cope with that- not at this time.

[lisaea1523]

So....my untreated BPD male partner and I had a daughter 5 months ago. I have 2 other daughters age 6 & 9 from a previous marriage. I'm not married to my current partner. We've been living together for 2 years. He has really struggled since the baby came and even during the pregnancy. He has extremely high anxiety about the baby and believes my other children are going to hurt her. He isolates himself and the baby to the bedroom and takes the baby on outings with him and excludes me and my children. He continues to split the children and hates my other 2 children. This is the BIGGEST problem in our relationship - his relationship with my other kids. He has been verbally abusive to them at times, responds very inappropriately to their behavior  and speaks to them like they're adults. Mostly he completely avoids them and they avoid him. I tried getting him to move out after the baby was born BUT he's on the lease and refuses to leave. Last weekend he got angry and extremely anxious because I took the baby from the bedroom and had her out in the living room with my kids and I. I sent him several videos and said see everything is fine- she's happy and safe. He stayed gone all day. I decided I had had enough as this has been going on for several weeks and he has been extremely avoidant towards me with minimal communication. I moved my bed into the baby's room while he was gone. When he came back he said calmly "You moved the bed yourself?" I said yep. And that was it. We really haven't communicated since then. He is sleeping on the floor in the bedroom.  I hear him talking to himself and he has been saying everything is bad because of my kids, that our daughter isn't safe around them (he actually truly believes this- it's one of his delusions), that all I do is fight with him, he's going to find another girl who actually cares. OH and a few weeks ago we got into a big fight he told my youngest daughter to "Get the f*** out of his face"- I called his mother who is also BPD/Narcissist -not sure which- and told her to do something about his behavior or I'm calling the cops. He then called her and was defending himself and trying to justify his behavior and explain HIS side of things. He's been talking to her ever since and at one point while he was on the phone with her I yelled "Go stay with that bitch that abandoned you" - she heard me and started texting me saying how dare you, ect....I argued with her a couple times and calmly stated the facts- I said he was with his grandparents because you couldn't take care of him and then at one point he was in a foster home because he was out on the streets. She replied "You don't know what you're talking about" and I said "those are the facts whether you like it or not" and said so you're calling your son a liar then? I then blocked her. He has continued to talk to her and I believe she is manipulating him against me because they have never had a good relationship. SHE is the reason why he's the way that he is and I wanted her to deal with him- even though I know she's not capable of doing so. This fight is was triggered the protective avoidant behavior from him for the last few weeks. He cannot handle my emotions or reactions to things - it's just too much. I don't know what he will do next- I realize I have no control over his choices. I can only make my choices which was to move into the baby's room and at least get some distance. I think this made him very angry because now he doesn't have a bed to hang out on all day in that room with his TV so he has to sleep and sit on the floor. He is very attached to the TV it's constantly on and he stays in that room almost all the time. I don't like our baby being confined to that room ALL the time - she needs social interaction, play and stimulation other than the TV. I would appreciate your thoughts or feedback because I'm going crazy here right along with him. There is NOTHING I can say to him at this point- his thoughts are delusional and challenging them does absolutely no good. Today I told him I love you and miss you. It's the truth- I HATE this distance and loneliness. I am not HAPPY at all. Calmer maybe but not happy. I'm afraid he will leave me and I don't think I can cope with that- not at this time.

[PeteWitsend]

Yikes, this is a very bad situation, and you need some help.

Some thoughts:

- This is a bad situation for all the children involved.  Really bad. 

- You're letting him drag you down into the mud with him.  I understand your side, and why you're upset, but when you're getting involved in screaming/swearing, and that sort of back and forth with his mother and him, you're contributing to the hostility and making the situation worse.

- I would talk to my kids and let them know you understand the situation is not great, listen to how they feel about it, and let them know you're listening. 

- He's unlikely to leave on his own - they never do.  Decide what you need to do, and make a plan; it's likely not going to resolve itself anytime soon, but you need to think long term here, and consider things a month at a time. 

[Anonymous22]

Hi!  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Unfortunately, I have been there, and its horrible.  My H and I have been married for 8 years, and while some days its horrible and I want to scream, looking back overall, it has gotten drastically better with me setting strong boundaries and working the tools.  I have 2 kids from a prior relationship, my uBPDh had one child from a prior relationship and we have 2 together.  My oldest son, who is the oldest of the 5 kids, took the brunt of my uBPDh's crap early on in our relationship.  If my H wasn't coming at me, he was going at my oldest son.  I always did everything that I could to protect my son, but it wasn't enough as the crap still kept going at him and I think that it was even harder on him to see someone who he had looked up to, hurting his mom.  Same as you, my H was sure that my oldest was trying to harm the other kids.  Though reality was that he was a kid being a kid.  To this day, the rest of the kids love and look up to my oldest.  But...it was really hard on my son, to the point that one day, I walked in on my son cutting himself.  He had hit a wall and couldn't take it any longer.  At this point, my uBPDh and I were living separately, but were still seeing each other close to daily.  I took my son to my therapist and we agreed that he didn't ever have to be in the presence of my H.  I followed that agreement, and even told my H that my son needed space.  I think that event made me realize how much this effected the kids and that I needed to do something.  I dove deep into myself, thought I set boundaries and started to understand the tools, but while I believed I was doing everything to "walk away" during the crap onslaught, I was still engaging, yes to a lesser level, but not where I needed to be.  Thus, we continued on the roller coaster for a bit, but with the ups and downs not being so big.  My thing at the time was to walk away whenever my H would start in.  One day that escalated my uBPDh and an event happened and I screamed for someone to call 911.  My oldest did without question. Long story short, this was the catalyst for me to realize that I needed to put me and my children first.  I set strong boundaries, worked the DBT tools, set up a great life for my kids, did all I could to continue normalcy for them and encouraged them to be around friends often.  I truly walked away from the drama and will not allow it to come anywhere near my kids.  My H and I are still married, though he has a townhouse he can go to when needed, and things are improving.  He is in mandated therapy.  He knows that he can not cross my line or I will follow through with what I have said/shown.  I do text his mom and sister at times, but it is only to send happy pictures of the kids or wish them a happy holiday.  I got them involved in the past and it never proved to help me, it only hurt the situation.  I have decided that that portion of our lives is in the past, he tries to go there, and I will not join.  I will put on a smile and ask the kids if they want to go get ice cream.  This hasn't happened in a while, but if he wouldn't let me take the kids, then I would get out a board game or play peek a boo with an infant, anything to distract my kids, and in turn myself.  What I have realized is that I love my husband, I love my kids and I need to love me (my husband's wife and my kid's mom) so that I can be there for them.  I will not allow screaming, accusations, violence, etc around me or any of the kids.  Start in and we will leave, I will ask you to leave or I will call 911.  I do forgive way more of my husband than I probably should with time, but in the moment it is not acceptable.  With this, I have been able to protect my kids.  My oldest is in high school and is taller than both my H and I.  He and my H have a relationship that they have created on their own.  They don't interact much, but they do have moments where they will joke around together or one or the other will ask if the other wants to do something.  Its evolving, but that never would have happened if I hadn't put my foot down with true boundaries.

[lisaea1523]

Thank you your post was very validating - and an excellent example of how to make something like this work long term. Or at least tolerable.

I am in therapy now working with a therapist on boundaries and how to problem solve the relationship. I find myself wondering if I did something to mess things up because I know Ive responded very ineffectively at times and effectively at other times. He continues to be extremely avoidant and the more avoidant I am towards him he responds with more avoidance. I dont want to play the chase game anymore which is what hes waiting for -for me to come back to him and Im not going to do it this time. Im going to continue to avoid and treat him exactly how he treats me. I have communicated my true feelings through text- Ive told him what I value, that I love him and want to stay with him. Ive made it very apparent that I AM not doing well right now. But its just weird because he seems to be perfectly content with the avoidance while I am not. Im in extreme pain and depression. I miss him. I love him. But I dont want to give in. He needs to be the one to reinitiate contact this time. I dont think he will He will continue to avoid and then leave once hes found someone else. Hes already looking for other women so

[Under The Bridge]

So sorry to see what you're going through; you're not alone.  We've all been through this as the BPD 'script' never varies.

But its just weird because he seems to be perfectly content with the avoidance while I am not. Im in extreme pain and depression. I miss him. I love him. But I dont want to give in. He needs to be the one to reinitiate contact this time. I dont think he will He will continue to avoid and then leave once hes found someone else. Hes already looking for other women

At the moment he's got what he sees as 'the best of both worlds' - he still has you to chase after him but, in his mindset of blaming you, he also thinks he's entitled to look elsewhere too. A BPD fears being alone more than anything so to have 'options' - irrespective of who they are - is reassuring to them. It's a sad sympton of the illness that they can switch from person to person with an alarming lack of empathy.

You're doing the right thing by not playing his chase game - all that's doing is confirming to him that you're still there so he can play you all the more. Hard though it may be, you need to put yourself first - I'm sure you don't want to continue as things have been, even if it means the end of the relationship. Everyone has their limits and their right to a happy life. From my own 4-year BPD relationship I know that once you show them you're willing to play their games, they'll only keep the games going as they thrive on the conflict.

Be aware that even if he does contact you there is no guarantee of his sincerity if he sees you as the only available 'option' at the moment. What they want is purely dictated by their emotional state at the time and you could be back in the same situation time after time. Trust is impossible when someone has BPD as they're playing with no rules or  standards - not their fault, just the nature of the illness.

Best wishes.