Dealing with a breakup with my pwBPD as an anxious person

[lhmk]

My girlfriend with diagnosed BPD just broke up with me two days ago and it feels like my life is falling apart. This was my first ever "long term" relationship so I feel incredibly lost and conflicted on what to do or feel. I have no one to talk to so this post will just be a trauma dump to sort out my thoughts.

We have been dating for about 6 months, but I already got to know her some time before through mutual friends. I am 21 and she is 25 so there's quite the age gap.
When I first got to know her she was already involved in an on-/off- relationship of 4 years with her now ex boyfriend, however from the very start we had incredible chemistry and she made it obviously clear that she liked me. She opened up very quickly to me about her relationship and told me that she was unhappy, because her boyfriend was constantly lying to her, wouldnt commit, pretended to only know her as a friend in front of his family and she also suspected him of cheating on her with his ex girlfriend.
After a few months we then hooked up whilst she was technically still with her ex boyfriend whom she finally broke up with after we kept seeing each other for about a month. At that point I already saw lots of red flags, but I chose to ignore them, because I finally felt loved by someone for the first time in my life. (I grew up in an orphanage before getting adopted and have terrible fear of abandonment, trust and loneliness issues)

She was incredibly communicative and also told me about her past trauma of sexual abuse  as a teenager and her BPD diagnosis. We were also both having issues with substance abuse (weed).

I always perceived her as very self aware, reflective and smart person. The first few months with her were extremely exhilarating, she was very needy, texting constantly and asked for constant reassurance, which i had no problem with as i pretty much felt the same deep inside me. She also had major problems with her self esteem which she voiced to me and i was successful at being uplifting her and giving her a more positive outlook on life in general. The sex with her was also amazing and she asked me about my past and i could finally open up to her.

After about 4 months her behaviour then suddenly shifted, she was more distant and started ignoring my messages, which triggered my fear of abandonment and anxious attachment. A few weeks after this shift I voiced my needs and concerns and she seemed extremely understanding, reassuring me, however she would always go back to being more dismissive shortly after. This then created this sort of spiral where I would bottle up my feelings and then ask for reassurance in a more and more agressive and irrational ways, I even indirectly accused her of cheating one time. All of this took an extreme toll on my mental health, i was overthinking constantly, getting 4 hours of sleep each night and also developed cannabis related psychosis.

During all of this she was trying to find a new apartment and I helped her with that and the whole moving process aswell. After she moved things got better for a bit until the spiral continued. She then eventually told me that she needed space before finally meeting with me in person and telling me that she didn't want a relationship because she didn't want to hurt me. She seemed like a completely different person then and for me this is still impossible to fathom. I tried to convince her to work through our problems together, started therapy and stopped consuming cannabis about a month before the breakup but i couldnt get through to her.

I told her i cant keep seeing her because it would tear me apart, but now i feel like I've completely lost my identity, im an emotional and physical wreck, experiencing constant tremors, sleep paralysis, hallucinations of her voice and I can't stop crying every minute of the day. All these symptoms started since the breakup, i miss her so much, I feel like im slowly dying and reached out again in a long text message that she didn't reply to. I don't know what to do anymore and how to make it stop, I feel like I need to let her go to heal myself but it's just getting worse.

Has anyone else experienced something like this and can provide me with any advice or options on what to do. The pain is extremely unbearable and i have never been at a lower point in my entire life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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