Complicated relationship, having hard time moving on from one I truly cared abo

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First a little history for context.  Please bear with me, but I think it's important.  My ex an I met in 2021 through online common community in a hobby we both liked.  After 6 months of talking and getting to know each other, and yes flirting, I decided to drive down to her in 2022.  In which we started officially started dating.  I originally went down there with not knowing if casual or hookup or serious or what it would be, but after meeting, I saw a woman I truly liked and respected, and while intamacy was present pretty quick, I actually restrained from full act and an offer because 2 reasons, I respected her more than a temp fling and it felt wrong, hard to explain but like she was acting like that's what I wanted vs truly wanting to be intimate.  Anyways, the 1st year was great, but by by 2023 things were already getting confusing for me.  I went to see her again, fell in love because we shared deeper emotional talks and times at places like hobby stores, town square, and innocent late nights at park.  I also met family for first time, in which I told her I was nervous and it be awkward.  Yet, when I was meeting family, she wasn't by my side, she hid in bedroom with the dogs listening to music while I sat alone at table.  She stayed in house when we all went outside.  I felt alone, yet took blame when she said I was very awkward that night when we left early.  Later that year, she told me a story of a friend very close to her and her family dying, including funeral pics.  I discovered all fake, and when I brought this fakeness up she doubled down and got really upset.  I dropped it.  I rented a house near her in 2024, brought my dog down, and we spent over a week in house.  I provided a dinner for just her dad and us.  Again, she hid playing and staying occupied with dog, while I got to know her father and we talked, plus he told me he had a dark past he regrets in his youth and that he appreciated me looking out for his daughter.   Later that year I visited again, for she would not come to me even with job loss and no place of her own, ..for her birthday.  We had nice time, but again when I met her family for bday BBQ, I and her family sat outside bsing while she stayed in house the entire night.   I must add that she was also using a fake persona online related to fake story of friend who died, including his whole family in car accident, that was beautiful girl that lived in Alaska, married to another woman after turning from straight to lesbian, and rich.  I didn't even confront this lie.  Also, while intimacy was present, I could see she was uncomfortable with it. she wouldn't change in front of me, she locked bathroom door still, she avoided certain things, and while I was very open and she had no problem with that, it was like being around a 16 yr old.  We never had full on "intamacy" and I took blame for that too.  But I couldn't, it felt forced and I loved and respected her too much.  I'm not going to get into full details, but now through counseling, it is highly suspected she probably had vaginismus,  which explains alot of the small details,  and I didn't know much about this condition until now.  The mind may want, actions may show, but deep down the traumatic body locks down.  Finally by end of 2024, she explicitly wanted me to sell my home and quit my career to be with her, the fact if I chose her and truly and clearly loved her, I do that.  Again after knowing her since 2021 and 3 full years together, she still wasn't comfortable leaving her zone for a bit and visiting me or trial living arrangements with me even though she was still careerless and living at home.  2025 got bad, 2 things occured.  Her father got ill and she started really devaluing me, but I put up with it cause I knew/thought she was struggling with alot.  Lack of career, fear of being alone, and father being ill.  We had alot of talks of our relationship, especially when she wanted me to drop everyrhing to be there for her and wouldn't make any compromises.  I tried to understand, especially with family illness, but I also had to be stable on emotionally and financially.   She started hanging out with new friends, all guys, and telling me half truths.   I tried to be trusting and understanding, but her personality was changing.  I couldn't give her a strong answer about relationship as she said I abandoned her?, but I also couldn't and wouldn't lie about false futures.  In November she told me she couldnt wait to stay with me for a few months and mentioned marriage, all to take it away at end of month.  She still wanted me there for holidays with her and her family,  which I agreed, and wanted to talk about relationship.  By mid Dec her father got worse, I rushed down there early.   Her family was very welcoming.  I was there for hospital, hospice, passing, wake, and beautiful for situation family xmas eve dinner.  Xmas morning I fixed her car, and she said she needed to get out for a little because house felt filled with grief and memories of father now empty.  I understood.  Yet, she stayed out all day and night, not showing back to 26th at 8am in tears.  Abandoning me bit again I couldn't argue for she just lost someone, I just held her.  I helped her move into another families house as she said shes not ready, yet last minute wanted to go with me.  I told her she can't, she is only daughter and has to wrap up adulting like funeral, bills, and mail.  I helped pay some of those bills.  Later she said I abandoned her again, but I know it would of been running away from a heavy issue.  Just never said anyrhing, but we had plans to come together in March of this year (2026).  She broke up with me jan 1st.  Told me a ton of confusing half truths.  I still helped with funeral expenses like I promised, help not cover all.  In feb she cancelled march get together, said we need to stop talking.  In march after I wrote her a heart felt letter, she texted we aren't anyrhing, it's purely transactional, out of goodness of my heart am I going to still help like I promised.  She seriously couldn't remember all I did, I proved it with receipts, and said I feel like im being used at this point, in which she snapped and now I am fully villain and evil.  She can't remember anything I did over the 4.3 years or at the end.  We don't talk, and completely nc, although I was having a hard time and checked her social media until may 1st.  I'm just so hurt she can't remember me and all I did.  She split hard.

Over those years I saw the intmacy issues and uncomfortability but took the blame as I could take it, I learned all her hurt and saw through the shields when we deeply talked and she dropped guard, I knew most of her trauma, a lost childhood, a father with a VERY DARK past, losing mom at young teenager, losing everyone close to her, and so many signs of other trauma.  Yet I loved her, and wanted to show her stability, love, and care was real and good man was possible.  That she was deserving.  My own counseling has brought to light many of things I didn't know but intuition was good.  That her lies and fake personas was a shield to protect fragile vulnerability, escapism to avoid extreme real hurt, not manipulation.  That her childhood trauma and fear of alone and abandonment was high signs of bpd, and other actions and conversations recorded in text showed petulant bpd.  That she most likely monkey branched, not for a new bf, but to get out of relationship and emotions related to a relationship to a safer feeling best friend brother type without ever being truly alone.  Her validation needs weren't because my failure, but to fill a cup with a hole in bottom to make herself feel better temporarily.  I wanted to show and love her so much, make her realize she didn't need mask, I wasn't going anywhere with the truth, but it made her bounce from idealized to devalue so many times, to final hard discard.   Now, I worry without her recognizing her self hurt pushing those that truly care away, and her family not knowing, understanding, or caring about what she's been through, I have deep hurt in heart that she will get hurt badly again.  Something she doesn't deserve, she's been through enough.  Yet, I am also having a genuinely hard time letting go internally, healing myself for I just want to make sure she's OK and gets the guidance she needs, no strings attached, no ulterior motive.  The fact she at the end thought I was a normal guy that played or spoiled her just for sex hurts, especially since we never went that far.  She also blamed me for never being there, abandoning her, and not doing the act of true love of selling home and quitting job, which yes hurts, but was unrealistic since she never visited me, everything was on me, she never lived with me so we could make a plan as partners as next step in life as I was willing to change everyrhing but needed just a little support, compromises, and planning.  I understand through counseling that love and sacrifice can't heal someone, especially as hurt as she is and she does need counseling to get diagnosed and better especially with healthy regulation and expectations of real life as life isn't a movie, but at same time there's a pit in my heart and gut that knows she truly is alone because noone sees her and knows like I do, and fake validation and friends that are temporary and only into surface masks will end up really hurting her.  Let's face it, guys will see her need for validation and use it or try to.  Which will further her deep hurt and thinking guys just want sex and are evil.   It's heartbreaking when all you want is a good safe enjoyable life for someone you will always love and care about, but can't do anything about.  Especially when she has painted me black for feelings she has to cover facts. 

Btw, 2 different counselors said it was good that I didn't break shields or confront lies, as it might of traumatized her worse knowing that I know dark and sad truths, and grief of internal buried memories might of made her lose control of real life.

[Heartbroken 40s]

First a little history for context.  Please bear with me, but I think it's important.  My ex an I met in 2021 through online common community in a hobby we both liked.  After 6 months of talking and getting to know each other, and yes flirting, I decided to drive down to her in 2022.  In which we started officially started dating.  I originally went down there with not knowing if casual or hookup or serious or what it would be, but after meeting, I saw a woman I truly liked and respected, and while intamacy was present pretty quick, I actually restrained from full act and an offer because 2 reasons, I respected her more than a temp fling and it felt wrong, hard to explain but like she was acting like that's what I wanted vs truly wanting to be intimate.  Anyways, the 1st year was great, but by by 2023 things were already getting confusing for me.  I went to see her again, fell in love because we shared deeper emotional talks and times at places like hobby stores, town square, and innocent late nights at park.  I also met family for first time, in which I told her I was nervous and it be awkward.  Yet, when I was meeting family, she wasn't by my side, she hid in bedroom with the dogs listening to music while I sat alone at table.  She stayed in house when we all went outside.  I felt alone, yet took blame when she said I was very awkward that night when we left early.  Later that year, she told me a story of a friend very close to her and her family dying, including funeral pics.  I discovered all fake, and when I brought this fakeness up she doubled down and got really upset.  I dropped it.  I rented a house near her in 2024, brought my dog down, and we spent over a week in house.  I provided a dinner for just her dad and us.  Again, she hid playing and staying occupied with dog, while I got to know her father and we talked, plus he told me he had a dark past he regrets in his youth and that he appreciated me looking out for his daughter.   Later that year I visited again, for she would not come to me even with job loss and no place of her own, ..for her birthday.  We had nice time, but again when I met her family for bday BBQ, I and her family sat outside bsing while she stayed in house the entire night.   I must add that she was also using a fake persona online related to fake story of friend who died, including his whole family in car accident, that was beautiful girl that lived in Alaska, married to another woman after turning from straight to lesbian, and rich.  I didn't even confront this lie.  Also, while intimacy was present, I could see she was uncomfortable with it. she wouldn't change in front of me, she locked bathroom door still, she avoided certain things, and while I was very open and she had no problem with that, it was like being around a 16 yr old.  We never had full on "intamacy" and I took blame for that too.  But I couldn't, it felt forced and I loved and respected her too much.  I'm not going to get into full details, but now through counseling, it is highly suspected she probably had vaginismus,  which explains alot of the small details,  and I didn't know much about this condition until now.  The mind may want, actions may show, but deep down the traumatic body locks down.  Finally by end of 2024, she explicitly wanted me to sell my home and quit my career to be with her, the fact if I chose her and truly and clearly loved her, I do that.  Again after knowing her since 2021 and 3 full years together, she still wasn't comfortable leaving her zone for a bit and visiting me or trial living arrangements with me even though she was still careerless and living at home.  2025 got bad, 2 things occured.  Her father got ill and she started really devaluing me, but I put up with it cause I knew/thought she was struggling with alot.  Lack of career, fear of being alone, and father being ill.  We had alot of talks of our relationship, especially when she wanted me to drop everyrhing to be there for her and wouldn't make any compromises.  I tried to understand, especially with family illness, but I also had to be stable on emotionally and financially.   She started hanging out with new friends, all guys, and telling me half truths.   I tried to be trusting and understanding, but her personality was changing.  I couldn't give her a strong answer about relationship as she said I abandoned her?, but I also couldn't and wouldn't lie about false futures.  In November she told me she couldnt wait to stay with me for a few months and mentioned marriage, all to take it away at end of month.  She still wanted me there for holidays with her and her family,  which I agreed, and wanted to talk about relationship.  By mid Dec her father got worse, I rushed down there early.   Her family was very welcoming.  I was there for hospital, hospice, passing, wake, and beautiful for situation family xmas eve dinner.  Xmas morning I fixed her car, and she said she needed to get out for a little because house felt filled with grief and memories of father now empty.  I understood.  Yet, she stayed out all day and night, not showing back to 26th at 8am in tears.  Abandoning me bit again I couldn't argue for she just lost someone, I just held her.  I helped her move into another families house as she said shes not ready, yet last minute wanted to go with me.  I told her she can't, she is only daughter and has to wrap up adulting like funeral, bills, and mail.  I helped pay some of those bills.  Later she said I abandoned her again, but I know it would of been running away from a heavy issue.  Just never said anyrhing, but we had plans to come together in March of this year (2026).  She broke up with me jan 1st.  Told me a ton of confusing half truths.  I still helped with funeral expenses like I promised, help not cover all.  In feb she cancelled march get together, said we need to stop talking.  In march after I wrote her a heart felt letter, she texted we aren't anyrhing, it's purely transactional, out of goodness of my heart am I going to still help like I promised.  She seriously couldn't remember all I did, I proved it with receipts, and said I feel like im being used at this point, in which she snapped and now I am fully villain and evil.  She can't remember anything I did over the 4.3 years or at the end.  We don't talk, and completely nc, although I was having a hard time and checked her social media until may 1st.  I'm just so hurt she can't remember me and all I did.  She split hard.

Over those years I saw the intmacy issues and uncomfortability but took the blame as I could take it, I learned all her hurt and saw through the shields when we deeply talked and she dropped guard, I knew most of her trauma, a lost childhood, a father with a VERY DARK past, losing mom at young teenager, losing everyone close to her, and so many signs of other trauma.  Yet I loved her, and wanted to show her stability, love, and care was real and good man was possible.  That she was deserving.  My own counseling has brought to light many of things I didn't know but intuition was good.  That her lies and fake personas was a shield to protect fragile vulnerability, escapism to avoid extreme real hurt, not manipulation.  That her childhood trauma and fear of alone and abandonment was high signs of bpd, and other actions and conversations recorded in text showed petulant bpd.  That she most likely monkey branched, not for a new bf, but to get out of relationship and emotions related to a relationship to a safer feeling best friend brother type without ever being truly alone.  Her validation needs weren't because my failure, but to fill a cup with a hole in bottom to make herself feel better temporarily.  I wanted to show and love her so much, make her realize she didn't need mask, I wasn't going anywhere with the truth, but it made her bounce from idealized to devalue so many times, to final hard discard.   Now, I worry without her recognizing her self hurt pushing those that truly care away, and her family not knowing, understanding, or caring about what she's been through, I have deep hurt in heart that she will get hurt badly again.  Something she doesn't deserve, she's been through enough.  Yet, I am also having a genuinely hard time letting go internally, healing myself for I just want to make sure she's OK and gets the guidance she needs, no strings attached, no ulterior motive.  The fact she at the end thought I was a normal guy that played or spoiled her just for sex hurts, especially since we never went that far.  She also blamed me for never being there, abandoning her, and not doing the act of true love of selling home and quitting job, which yes hurts, but was unrealistic since she never visited me, everything was on me, she never lived with me so we could make a plan as partners as next step in life as I was willing to change everyrhing but needed just a little support, compromises, and planning.  I understand through counseling that love and sacrifice can't heal someone, especially as hurt as she is and she does need counseling to get diagnosed and better especially with healthy regulation and expectations of real life as life isn't a movie, but at same time there's a pit in my heart and gut that knows she truly is alone because noone sees her and knows like I do, and fake validation and friends that are temporary and only into surface masks will end up really hurting her.  Let's face it, guys will see her need for validation and use it or try to.  Which will further her deep hurt and thinking guys just want sex and are evil.   It's heartbreaking when all you want is a good safe enjoyable life for someone you will always love and care about, but can't do anything about.  Especially when she has painted me black for feelings she has to cover facts. 

Btw, 2 different counselors said it was good that I didn't break shields or confront lies, as it might of traumatized her worse knowing that I know dark and sad truths, and grief of internal buried memories might of made her lose control of real life.