BPD/CPSTD Ex now married

[SnailShell]

I just found this out.

It feels kinda sad to be hung up on it - it happened about two years ago now, the end of that relationship.

I guess that's a mature, appropriate time to wait before marrying someone too.
Though I was told that they were engaged very soon after we broke up (a few months maximum).

The thing I find hard about it, is the fact that I know what I saw.

I was there when she threatened to 'beat the sh*t out of me' - although to be fair... maybe that was just a figure of speech... I don't know...

I was there when she drove me off in her car to an abandoned gas station and midnight and yelled at me, trying to make me apologise after I made a joke (genuinely - there's nothing that I'm hiding there).

I was there when she pushed all sorts of my boundaries.

Over the course of 350 days, we sent about 30,200 texts (WhatsApp told me when I delete the messages) - I think that's about 80 a day, or something?

When I finally blocked her after some pushing and pulling, her new guy called me up, accused me of stalking and harassment and told me that he'd grab me by the throat if he ever saw me around the city.

So I guess I'm just wondering... how come I'm still trying to get my life together, and how come they're married now?

It's hard to swallow...

I haven't been stupid with my life on purpose.

I was a child carer, I had a passion for music so pursued that... I didn't have freedom from caring until my very late twenties and then we were more or less straight into the Covid pandemic.

I've spent a few years retraining and trying to have fun; but still feeling like I'm not where I want to be.

She trained in something employable and has been living alone in a family 'second home' in a vibrant city. It just feels like a way more stable set up than mine.

But... I don't think I'm a worse person... or that I did something wrong on purpose... I've been trying to make mature and good decisions; it's just that life is really hard sometimes.

And then... things have all come together for her.

Even after how she was to me...

[PeteWitsend]

I just found this out.

It feels kinda sad to be hung up on it - it happened about two years ago now, the end of that relationship.

I guess that's a mature, appropriate time to wait before marrying someone too.
Though I was told that they were engaged very soon after we broke up (a few months maximum).

The thing I find hard about it, is the fact that I know what I saw.

I was there when she threatened to 'beat the sh*t out of me' - although to be fair... maybe that was just a figure of speech... I don't know...

I was there when she drove me off in her car to an abandoned gas station and midnight and yelled at me, trying to make me apologise after I made a joke (genuinely - there's nothing that I'm hiding there).

I was there when she pushed all sorts of my boundaries.

Over the course of 350 days, we sent about 30,200 texts (WhatsApp told me when I delete the messages) - I think that's about 80 a day, or something?

When I finally blocked her after some pushing and pulling, her new guy called me up, accused me of stalking and harassment and told me that he'd grab me by the throat if he ever saw me around the city.

So I guess I'm just wondering... how come I'm still trying to get my life together, and how come they're married now?

It's hard to swallow...

I haven't been stupid with my life on purpose.

I was a child carer, I had a passion for music so pursued that... I didn't have freedom from caring until my very late twenties and then we were more or less straight into the Covid pandemic.

I've spent a few years retraining and trying to have fun; but still feeling like I'm not where I want to be.

She trained in something employable and has been living alone in a family 'second home' in a vibrant city. It just feels like a way more stable set up than mine.

But... I don't think I'm a worse person... or that I did something wrong on purpose... I've been trying to make mature and good decisions; it's just that life is really hard sometimes.

And then... things have all come together for her.

Even after how she was to me...

Two things:

1) you don't know what things are really like behind the scenes.  there's almost no chance she's different with this guy, and you have no idea how miserable they might be together.

2) don't get too hung up on things look now.  life is not a movie; there aren't endings (at least until you're dead).  They might seem happy and like they're "winning" but things are going to change. 

[hotchip]

Snailshell, I'm sorry you're having these feelings.

I haven't been stupid with my life on purpose.

From what you describe here, you haven't been 'stupid with your life'. You've pursued things of value which interest you, like music. You've cared for those who needed care. Some would say this is more important than ticking boxes like marriage or homeownership.

It's a cliche that comparisons are odious, but, comparisons are odious. Your ex's relative wealth and stable lifestyle is not a comment on your choices, it is the result of her inheriting money from her parents. There is an entire structure of advertising that exists to tell us that 'having more stuff' makes us better, superior people. We all know this, and yet we are susceptible.

Your ex's new relationship is also not a comment on you and it is unlikely to be as ideal as it may be portrayed on social media. People do not change very easily - you probably know this from trying to break cycles in your own life. It is even harder for someone with a disorder like BPD. If you went back a year ago, you would see my uBPDx living an exciting new life in a new and vibrant city with his new partner (me). Fast forward to now, and that relationship has been destroyed by his cheating, lying and instability - just as his last live-in relationship in a different city, was. It's not better. It's just a different part of the cycle.

Even after how she was to me...

The world doesn't run on reward and punishment. It runs on cause and effect. Your ex will not be 'punished' for her abusive behaviour towards you in the sense that there will be no validating authority that comes and says, Yes, she was wrong and you were right. But there will be consequences, because everything has consequences. You are not in control of these for her, only for you.

You have been trying to make good decisions. You will see the results of that, but that's different from saying 'I'm a nice person, therefore the universe will reward me'. There is a skill to being good, and part of that includes identifying disordered people like your ex and how to behave around them, and also identifying chaos or disorder that arise in your own mind (for example, when you think about your ex) and acting skillfully with regards to that.

Act skillfully, authentically and according to your values and try not to compare yourself to her (but also, don't berate yourself if you do - we don't have perfect minds). It will be OK.

[Under The Bridge]

And then... things have all come together for her.

There is no magical 'switch the illness off' for BPD.. even if we all wished there had been.  I have no doubt her husband is now seeing things very differently and wondering what he's gotten himself into.

He'll have had the usual 'my last partner didn't treat me right' spiel from her but he'll have found out by now that its her who is the problem.

Try and concentrate on yourself and see the long term; you were in a no-win situation, as we all once were. Hard to do I know but it helps to think that her life will never change; she's stuck in a repeating, self-destructive cycle and will most likely always be in conflict with whoever she's with.

[ForeverDad]

That your ex has married and appears to have a stable marriage - in contrast to your own known experience with her - that's a signal that you don't really know how stable their relationship truly is.

On the one hand, he may be just as clueless about her mental health issues as you had been back when you had met her.  That's likely because he believed her claim that you were stalking her.  (People with BPD traits typically describe all their prior relationships as awful and even claim they were victimized.)

On the other hand he might have his own issues, whether codependency and gullibility, or might have his own serious issues that somehow mesh with your ex and may last longer than you'd expect, given your own experience.

Whichever the case, count your blessings that the discord and dysfunction is in the past.  Meanwhile, do Gift yourself time to recover... avoid too-quick rebound relationships... figure out your own Closure (gift it to yourself) and let that settle and resonate for a bit first.

There is a possibility that your comfort zone in selecting a partner may be skewed, perhaps shaped by your childhood FOO (family of origin).  Now that you are more aware of deeply-impacting PDs and how serious mental health issues can be, you can take a look at yourself and choose your future relationships with open eyes and better perception and perspective.

[Rowdy]

It’s called a facade. Don’t get hung up on how things appear as it’s often an illusion.

My ex monkey branched to a guy selling her class A. She’s told our kids she is with him because he can financially support her better than I can. He takes her on holidays abroad, she moaned that I didn’t (because of logistical reasons). She rang me up ranting because her car wouldn’t start the day after we broke up as it was clearly my fault. He has bought her a (cheap) Range Rover. She now lives with him in a house he has a mortgage on, we were on an assured tenancy with a housing association.. She’s happy, she’s moved on, she used to tell me to move on and go on dating sites.

Looks all Rosie for her then doesn’t it.

I’d asked her numerous times to stop buying drugs from him, and to stop drinking as much (they are both borderline alcoholics) she didn’t want to and ran off with him. She has been hospitalised 3 or 4 times that I know of and now has health issues, more than likely caused by the drug abuse, definitely once through excessive drinking.
I receive letters/emails/texts through for things that she has missed payments on every month. Our kids have lost a lot of the respect they had for her because she has basically said she is using the guy for his money, and she was still sleeping with me behind his back for a year which kind of confirms she is using him.
The car that wouldn’t start, well it’s her pride and joy, owned it for 18 years and would never sell it. 2 months after she rang me ranting it wouldn’t start, it failed it’s mot and has sat in the garage for nearly 2 1/2 years waiting to be repaired. The car he bought her, well it looks fancy but it’s been sat outside his house broken down for the last month, and is regularly breaking down.
The house she is living in rent free, he needs to give half of that to his wife. His kids that live there do her f’ing head in according to her sister.
And the holidays abroad he takes her on, she has contracted skin cancer twice in two years so they are well worth going on.
Then there is the fact that I am now with someone else. They have never met but my ex keeps cropping up on my partners Facebook as someone she might know. I’m not on Facebook so we can only assume my ex has been stalking her.. They bumped into each other in a supermarket a few weeks ago. She then started making excuses to my sister in law as to why she looked a mess when she bumped into my girlfriend, which kind of tells me she is somewhat insecure
They are both still abusing drugs because the sad lives they lead is only bearable through the use of stimulants rather than having a proper healthy connection.

So the reality is far different to what they would like you to think. Call it karma, the universe balancing things out, or just negative reactions to all the bad actions and life choices made, but I don’t see them as coincidence, and I have no doubt that it’ll carry on happening until she learns life’s lessons. So concentrate on being the best version of you and less so on her because life has a way of levelling things out eventually.

[SnailShell]

Two things:

1) you don't know what things are really like behind the scenes.  there's almost no chance she's different with this guy, and you have no idea how miserable they might be together.

2) don't get too hung up on things look now.  life is not a movie; there aren't endings (at least until you're dead).  They might seem happy and like they're "winning" but things are going to change. 

Thank you - I appreciate your thoughts

I always feel conflicted y'know... I don't want to live in a world where people can't heal and I don't want to live in a world where people are bound to repeat mistakes etc.

At the same time, I don't want to live in a world where someone can behave like she did towards me and just get away with it.

Part of me believes that she's basically completely better now and that it was all at least partly my fault - and that maybe we were just toxic together.

A part of me also knows that honest... she'd been that way for a long time.

She had kind of a reputation in some corners of her home city, and she'd had various problems with conflict and psychosis etc quite soon up until we met.

I guess I wish I knew how to say "Ah well, good riddance!"

I think it messed with my perception of the world a bit - you tend to presume that good things happen to good people (at least more or less - barring tsunamis and cancer); and that bad things happen to bad people (as in - people get their comeuppance eventually).

I'm surprised how easy she finds it to find and keep a guy.

Even when she found me, I always sorta knew that I absolutely should not marry her... but somehow... I guess other people don't quite think in that way... it's a puzzle to me!

[SnailShell]

Snailshell, I'm sorry you're having these feelings.

From what you describe here, you haven't been 'stupid with your life'. You've pursued things of value which interest you, like music. You've cared for those who needed care. Some would say this is more important than ticking boxes like marriage or homeownership.

It's a cliche that comparisons are odious, but, comparisons are odious. Your ex's relative wealth and stable lifestyle is not a comment on your choices, it is the result of her inheriting money from her parents. There is an entire structure of advertising that exists to tell us that 'having more stuff' makes us better, superior people. We all know this, and yet we are susceptible.

Your ex's new relationship is also not a comment on you and it is unlikely to be as ideal as it may be portrayed on social media. People do not change very easily - you probably know this from trying to break cycles in your own life. It is even harder for someone with a disorder like BPD. If you went back a year ago, you would see my uBPDx living an exciting new life in a new and vibrant city with his new partner (me). Fast forward to now, and that relationship has been destroyed by his cheating, lying and instability - just as his last live-in relationship in a different city, was. It's not better. It's just a different part of the cycle.

The world doesn't run on reward and punishment. It runs on cause and effect. Your ex will not be 'punished' for her abusive behaviour towards you in the sense that there will be no validating authority that comes and says, Yes, she was wrong and you were right. But there will be consequences, because everything has consequences. You are not in control of these for her, only for you.

You have been trying to make good decisions. You will see the results of that, but that's different from saying 'I'm a nice person, therefore the universe will reward me'. There is a skill to being good, and part of that includes identifying disordered people like your ex and how to behave around them, and also identifying chaos or disorder that arise in your own mind (for example, when you think about your ex) and acting skillfully with regards to that.

Act skillfully, authentically and according to your values and try not to compare yourself to her (but also, don't berate yourself if you do - we don't have perfect minds). It will be OK.

Thank you - I really value that.

I replied to a similar sentiment in another post so maybe I won't write the same sort of thing a second time - but you're right about social media.

Y'know when we were together, we'd sit like this ":-l....." opposite each other.

Then the camera would come out for this: ":D xxxx"

And then the camera would go away to this ":-l....."

I remember thinking, if people saw these photos, they'd presume that we'd just been laughing and joking and kissing and hugging... they'd have no idea that we were actually stilted and awkward - and that the intimacy felt forced and over the top.

She never shared those photos of us on social media (as far as I know) - I think she knew that I was hesitant about that because I was hesitant about her full stop.

But y'know... if they had seen the light of day, people would've got a very specific kind of impression.

In reality, I became kind of a shell of myself for a while.

[SnailShell]

Thanks for all of your thoughts everyone.

I'll just reply briefly before I head out, but:

There is no magical 'switch the illness off' for BPD.. even if we all wished there had been.  I have no doubt her husband is now seeing things very differently and wondering what he's gotten himself into.

He'll have had the usual 'my last partner didn't treat me right' spiel from her but he'll have found out by now that its her who is the problem.

Try and concentrate on yourself and see the long term; you were in a no-win situation, as we all once were. Hard to do I know but it helps to think that her life will never change; she's stuck in a repeating, self-destructive cycle and will most likely always be in conflict with whoever she's with.

Yeah... I suppose you're right.

It's hard to believe it, but I guess it's true.

It doesn't give me much pleasure actually... I don't think I want her to wreck her life, I just want her to confront what she did - or to have not done it in the first place.

I can think of a few examples of 'devoutly religious' mothers who showed up all holy for church and saved all the abuse for their family... so I know it happens... it's just... hard when you've seen it first hand - hard to really believe what you've seen with your own eyes.

That your ex has married and appears to have a stable marriage - in contrast to your own known experience with her - that's a signal that you don't really know how stable their relationship truly is.

On the one hand, he may be just as clueless about her mental health issues as you had been back when you had met her.  That's likely because he believed her claim that you were stalking her.  (People with BPD traits typically describe all their prior relationships as awful and even claim they were victimized.)

On the other hand he might have his own issues, whether codependency and gullibility, or might have his own serious issues that somehow mesh with your ex and may last longer than you'd expect, given your own experience.

Whichever the case, count your blessings that the discord and dysfunction is in the past.  Meanwhile, do Gift yourself time to recover... avoid too-quick rebound relationships... figure out your own Closure (gift it to yourself) and let that settle and resonate for a bit first.

There is a possibility that your comfort zone in selecting a partner may be skewed, perhaps shaped by your childhood FOO (family of origin).  Now that you are more aware of deeply-impacting PDs and how serious mental health issues can be, you can take a look at yourself and choose your future relationships with open eyes and better perception and perspective.

It is true - my dad was prone to psychosis because of a degenerative illness.

Sometimes the way she'd speak to me reminded me of the way that he did - dissociated and incoherent, and kind of mean.

It's one of the things I found so painful about her episodes.

I'd also love to marry and have a family myself. So maybe it's hit on a sore spot there.

I know it'll be okay eventually, it just hurts at the moment I guess!

So the reality is far different to what they would like you to think. Call it karma, the universe balancing things out, or just negative reactions to all the bad actions and life choices made, but I don’t see them as coincidence, and I have no doubt that it’ll carry on happening until she learns life’s lessons. So concentrate on being the best version of you and less so on her because life has a way of levelling things out eventually.

Goodness that's wild - sorry that you've been caught up in that.

*sigh* they don't teach you this stuff in school, do they??