Grandbabies don’t know me

[HeartbrokenGma]

Hi all,
I’m a newer Grandma who is missing the connection with my son’s children.  He is married to a girl that appears to have borderline personality disorder.  We have to jump through so many hoops in order to see our precious grandchildren.  It has been like walking on eggshells in order to not day or do anything to upset her. It’s been so emotional and I can’t believe I have grandchildren that don’t even know us.  There are so many disrespectful texts and behaviors that she does, I can’t even begin.  I try to communicate just with our son, but she rules every thing he does.

I guess I’m just venting and heartbroken.  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ForeverDad]

Your distress is often heard here.  Grandchildren are such astounding blessings but your daughter in law has weaponized the children as leverage in her control.

I suspect your son is walking a fine line trying to appease her demands.  Yet that's virtually impossible when one spouse is being dictatorial.  While she no doubt feel she must be in full control or else feel controlled, that perception is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Over time you can share with your son some of the insights, experiences and time-tested strategies that you learn here.  The reality is that even then he may not be able - by himself - to shift the marriage back into team orientation and equal authority.

In my own past... I first sought help from others but my ex refused any thought of us seeking counseling or therapy.  She was increasingly insisting and demanding she she was in full control of our marriage and parenting.  She started saying  she would disappear with our toddler.  It reached the point where I could not see any way forward unless we separated and divorced.  (Actually, the first visit by the police ended up being the next phase of our marriage's end.)  What was surprising was that I found out that, despite my then-spouse's insistence that she was the Authority in our marriage, family court was The Real Authority.

Admittedly, family court was very reluctant to step up and resolve the core issues and it gifted the mother too much default preference.  But eventually the court order (court's word for Boundaries) became more specific to deal with the parenting conflict.

One distinct difference was that a court order specified separate parenting time for each parent.  I decided what happened during my parenting time , just as she decided for hers.  This meant that now,  on my scheduled parenting time, I could bring my child to see my parents who lived nearby but had been previously blacklisted by her.

It's possible that your son finds contemplating such an outcome - the end of his marriage - as too difficult and even premature to ponder.  That we can't know.  Meanwhile... He can certainly get educated about how to deal with these acting-out (harmful to others) personality disorders.  Even if she won't join him in meaningful therapy, he can seek it for himself... and as the children get older, play therapy for them too.

[js friend]

Hi Heartbrokengma,

I suspect my daughter has bpd and have been I estranged from my eldest gc for for 5years. The youngest  has been born during this estrangement and we have never met. I cant even be sure if my eldest grandchildren will have any memory of me since the estrangement began as they were still pretty young at the time.

As maternal gm my udd has always made it very difficult to maintain a relationship with my gc and I was cut off many times before this final time. Since becoming a gm  I experienced control and entitlement issues( turning up on my doorstep, or  wanting to drop them off and pick them up when she wanted to), jealousy,( her own abandonment issues) manipulation(faking illness's) and paranoia(Grilling gc after each visit)from udd.

I think that your son is really in a difficult position and any communication with you will be seen as a betrayal by his wife and even worse still if he even tries to facilitate anything between the two of you. I used to feel so sad for my Gc during the estrangements because they were so young and it would upset them so much but it never seemed to bother my udd at all. Family and friends would try to convince her to let me see my gc again but it just made her dig her heels in more than ever.

I think what you can do for now is to have some boundaries with your DIL and only accept what is comfortable for you to do.. Being expected to jump through hoops  in the hope of seeing your gc is not acceptable or sustainable behaviour and you do not have to do it and you should make this known to her.

One of my biggest boundaries with my udd was around timekeeping because she would purposely bring them late or pick them up late without a call to say she would be running late. I know she knew that this stressed me out because I like to be punctual and expect the same from others so I told her that it she was more than x minutes late without a phone call I would not be having them and she knew that I meant it and it work because afterall I was doing her a favour by giving her some time to herself and not the other way round. 

[BPDstinks]

oh my goodness, your story resonates with my ONGOING (8 years of this!) my granddaughter's mother is of NO relation to me (my son had a "fling"...my son no longer SEES his daughter, nor does he speak to my family, as we are still very much involved with his daughter, despite his DEMAND we go no contact (this was 8 years ago); the Mom states she has BPD (I have no proof of this, as her mother does not know (?) let me just say, she goes from hot to cold in MINUTES....the other day, I was taking the younger child (I refer to all of her 4 children as Gemma & consider them my grandchildren) and I arrived 7 minutes later than I said....the absolute gates of H opened, with her screaming, "you can take her to softball (1/2 hour from her house, with 3 of the children) but after this "get out of my life" (it makes me so sad that the kids hear this....they totally ignore it/her) it was so stressful my hands were shaking....I cannot even count how many times she has done something like this or not "allowed" me to see the kids, etc. (the longest absence was 3 weeks....I was very sad, but, toughed that one out...she eventually apologized....every time I see her phone number, if I am not scheduled to see the kids, my heart stops (she calls me many times a day) I think the kids act out (because of her) sometimes, I have to really dig deep to see them (which makes me feel guilty), you have my utmost sympathy; I think it is horrible for these parents to use their children as pawns....I very much hope your situation improves

[ForeverDad]

I arrived 7 minutes later than I said....the absolute gates of H opened, with her screaming, "you can take her to softball (1/2 hour from her house, with 3 of the children) but after this "get out of my life" (it makes me so sad that the kids hear this....they totally ignore it/her) it was so stressful my hands were shaking...

It may appear the children ignore the rants and rages - they are used to it - but they truly are impacted.  This is "normal" for them, all they know in their childhood.  Well, except for the time they do have with you.