Dealing with ex’s toxic behaviour

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I’ve written on here about the behaviour of my ex, the drug use and the situation where she ran off with the guy selling her drugs.

I am, or was at the point now where I don’t care what she does, it’s her life she is entitled to mess it up however she wants. I’ve also written recently on a thread about the consequences of her actions that are coming back to bite her.

However, this weekend she has crossed the line.
We all live in the same village. I live one side with our youngest son, he is 22. She lives at the north end of the village with her bf and two of his kids. My eldest son (27) lives on the eastern side of the village with his girlfriend, and my ex’s sister lives 3 doors up from my son.

On Friday my eldest and his girlfriend went into hospital to be induced and give birth to their first child, my ex and I’s first grandchild. He has a dog so asked his brother if he would stay at his place while they were at the hospital. On Saturday night/Sunday morning at 2:30am I was in bed and the phone rang. Expecting it to be about the baby, it was in fact my youngest son ringing me in tears and quite distressed.

He told me his mum had asked him to go and get some drugs for a friend and had a go at him about drinking and driving. While on the phone he said she had just turned up round there so I got in the car and went to have it out with her about asking our son to go get class A drugs as that is crossing the line. She wasn’t there. I sent her some angry texts. The next morning she responded denying any of it and putting all sorts of blame on my son. I went round to speak to him, he was at his aunties house 3 doors up. I could see he was still tearful and upset.

My sister in law explained the situation. Her sister and boyfriend had turned up at 2am absolutely off their heads on whatever it was they had been taking, asking for a key to let our sons dog out. My son arrived as he said he was going to at 2am and his mum started screaming and shouting at him, accusing him of drink driving although my sister in law said he was sober. They had also been talking to my sister in law like trash as well.

I’d messaged my father in law that morning as I was livid, explaining what his daughter had asked our son to do. This was met with a what do you want me to do about it she is an adult response. I explained that he is the only person she actually respects, the only person she has never devalued and that it was him that told her it doesn’t matter who she is with as long as she is happy, while not knowing the guy she is with has been a coke addict for over 30 years and was in fact selling it to my wife every week for over 3 years, and that involving our son crossed the line and the shame from her father might put a stop to it.

That afternoon when I left my sister in laws and went home, my son rang me again saying his mum had rang him screaming and shouting at him for telling people what she had done. I messaged her saying don’t you dare shout at our son for your mess of a life. She then rang him back apologising, but the apology was sorry but I thought we had a different relationship, to which he replied he wants her to be his mum and was shocked and disappointed she had asked him to go and get drugs, so no real remorse or belief that what she had done was wrong.

So there we are. The weekend that was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, welcoming our grandson into the world, and she makes it toxic and puts a dark cloud over it all. The one thing to come out of this is that she has now shown her true colours and I no longer feel like a voice that no one can hear. I’ve explained over and over to her sister how toxic she is and now she has shown it, she has proved the drug use, she has shown that she doesn’t care and is capable of throwing her own son under a bus, and both her and her boyfriend have displayed the behaviour that is as toxic as I’ve said it is all along.

[Rowdy]

I’ve written on here about the behaviour of my ex, the drug use and the situation where she ran off with the guy selling her drugs.

I am, or was at the point now where I don’t care what she does, it’s her life she is entitled to mess it up however she wants. I’ve also written recently on a thread about the consequences of her actions that are coming back to bite her.

However, this weekend she has crossed the line.
We all live in the same village. I live one side with our youngest son, he is 22. She lives at the north end of the village with her bf and two of his kids. My eldest son (27) lives on the eastern side of the village with his girlfriend, and my ex’s sister lives 3 doors up from my son.

On Friday my eldest and his girlfriend went into hospital to be induced and give birth to their first child, my ex and I’s first grandchild. He has a dog so asked his brother if he would stay at his place while they were at the hospital. On Saturday night/Sunday morning at 2:30am I was in bed and the phone rang. Expecting it to be about the baby, it was in fact my youngest son ringing me in tears and quite distressed.

He told me his mum had asked him to go and get some drugs for a friend and had a go at him about drinking and driving. While on the phone he said she had just turned up round there so I got in the car and went to have it out with her about asking our son to go get class A drugs as that is crossing the line. She wasn’t there. I sent her some angry texts. The next morning she responded denying any of it and putting all sorts of blame on my son. I went round to speak to him, he was at his aunties house 3 doors up. I could see he was still tearful and upset.

My sister in law explained the situation. Her sister and boyfriend had turned up at 2am absolutely off their heads on whatever it was they had been taking, asking for a key to let our sons dog out. My son arrived as he said he was going to at 2am and his mum started screaming and shouting at him, accusing him of drink driving although my sister in law said he was sober. They had also been talking to my sister in law like trash as well.

I’d messaged my father in law that morning as I was livid, explaining what his daughter had asked our son to do. This was met with a what do you want me to do about it she is an adult response. I explained that he is the only person she actually respects, the only person she has never devalued and that it was him that told her it doesn’t matter who she is with as long as she is happy, while not knowing the guy she is with has been a coke addict for over 30 years and was in fact selling it to my wife every week for over 3 years, and that involving our son crossed the line and the shame from her father might put a stop to it.

That afternoon when I left my sister in laws and went home, my son rang me again saying his mum had rang him screaming and shouting at him for telling people what she had done. I messaged her saying don’t you dare shout at our son for your mess of a life. She then rang him back apologising, but the apology was sorry but I thought we had a different relationship, to which he replied he wants her to be his mum and was shocked and disappointed she had asked him to go and get drugs, so no real remorse or belief that what she had done was wrong.

So there we are. The weekend that was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, welcoming our grandson into the world, and she makes it toxic and puts a dark cloud over it all. The one thing to come out of this is that she has now shown her true colours and I no longer feel like a voice that no one can hear. I’ve explained over and over to her sister how toxic she is and now she has shown it, she has proved the drug use, she has shown that she doesn’t care and is capable of throwing her own son under a bus, and both her and her boyfriend have displayed the behaviour that is as toxic as I’ve said it is all along.

[TelHill]

So there we are. The weekend that was supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, welcoming our grandson into the world, and she makes it toxic and puts a dark cloud over it all. The one thing to come out of this is that she has now shown her true colours and I no longer feel like a voice that no one can hear. I’ve explained over and over to her sister how toxic she is and now she has shown it, she has proved the drug use, she has shown that she doesn’t care and is capable of throwing her own son under a bus, and both her and her boyfriend have displayed the behaviour that is as toxic as I’ve said it is all along.

Congrats on the birth of your grandson. He sounds perfect and adorable.

I'm really sorry your ex tripped out in public embarrassing herself and your family. I'm very sorry your sons had to witness her meltdown at the worst possible time. I have had a few pwBPD in my life and they have never thought twice about throwing me under the bus. I have never gotten used to their lack of conscience and self centeredness either.

I'm glad your ex SIL has seen your ex as she really is. It may be temporary. She has surely seen her sister's disordered behavior in the past. She didn't acknowledge it then. She may have acknowledged it now to not add to your distress or prevent more embarassment to her and her dad.

Once this blows over, she may return to being an enabler since that was her role in her FOO.  My late dBPD mother would spend days on end verbally attacking me and screaming when I was an minor living at home. One time she went off the deep end and started pushing me out of the blue. I think it was a psychotic episode.  My enabler  dad told her to stop and actually comforted me and protected me. I thought things would now change for the better for me.  I don't know if he was just de-escalating her behavior at the moment never intending to stand up to her permanently or if he wanted true change and was afraid to go forward with it, but he went back to enabling her and ignoring me.  I was bitterly disappointed.

What do you plan to do now that your grandson is here. Can you protect yourself from her outbursts and drug problems? What about your sons?

[Rowdy]

Yes I’m afraid they will all go back to enabling as you are right the FOO seems to be just as you say it is. She has a cousin that is just as bad if not worse. Has always been bad news, stealing, drug use, heroin abuse, getting involved in drug running ending up with dealers banging on family members doors when he has stolen money from them etc. and he has always had a free pass from his family, my ex clashes with him real bad because they are so alike. They both bullsh*t their way through things and I too am in disbelief at how people just fall for it.

They came home from hospital yesterday and my son asked us all round at 6 to see him. I was there with my ex, two sons, sons girlfriend and our grandson. My ex just carried on as if nothing had happened. I didn’t mention anything because it wasn’t the time or the place.

[hotchip]

Rowdy, I'm really sorry this has happened and that your FOO continues to enable this chaotic and toxic behaviour. I hope you find some mental peace.

she has now shown her true colours and I no longer feel like a voice that no one can hear.

Once this blows over, she may return to being an enabler since that was her role in her FOO. 

I agree with TellHill on this. The family's behaviour is not about reality or truth. It's about doing the thing that is easiest for them in the moment. If for years they've found it easier to paper over and ignore your ex's destructive actions, this is likely to continue. These dynamics sometimes remind me of The Simpsons and how every time Krusty the Clown meets Bart, he doesn't remember who Bart is.

It might be worth considering what you can do to protect yourself and your sons that relies purely on your own or their actions, and does not depend on cooperation from your ex and her FOO.

[Rowdy]

Oh I agree too. The problem is she is very charismatic. She is very confident, and she bullsh*ts so freely and easily everyone falls for it, and it’s much easier to fall for it and sweep it under the carpet. I get it, her father doesn’t want to think she’s a drug addict, that she has mental problems and to him I suppose it seems she doesn’t because of her confidence. I know just how f’ed up in the head she is though because I’ve lived with her a lot longer than she has lived with any of her other family members. I know how she lies, manipulates and twists people.

My sons gf’s parents are a doctor and a nurse. I think they have even been swayed by her bs, even though every time she has met them she has sounded coked up.

The problem is I’ve told her family enough times what she is like, what the bf is like and I’m not sure it’s taken until now for them to show it, but 24hrs later it’s back to acting like nothing has happened. I’ve also told them what will happen, her health is suffering and I’ve told them all it isn’t going to end well.

I’d like to think it’s all the drugs but she’s been like it for far too long for it to be. She is the eldest child, her mum was not loving because her own mother wasn’t and put in a mental institute a couple of times. Her dad used to work all day every day and wasn’t there much, but when he was and she had been scolded and sent to her room he would go up and speak to her and just validate her and tell her not to upset her mother, so he has always enabled her from a young age. All the perfect recipe for a personality disorder/mental illness to develop. What is the saying, show me a boy at 7 and I’ll show you the man.