adult daughter has threatened no contact

[hopefulbpdmom]

  Hello all, this is my first post. I wish I had found this community sooner! My adult daughter (diagnosed twice by two different docs) lives in a different city and we were together last week for a family trip. The last three trips have included massive blowouts/meltdowns and this was no exception. She wanted me to admit to spanking her regularly as a child (I did not). We were able to get past this and when I returned home I ordered a copy of The Essential Family Guide to BPD through our family Amazon account. For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me. I should also note that my youngest is graduating high school in a couple of weeks and believe this is a strong motivational factor for this extreme behavior. I am not sure how she'll actually follow through with this, but it's really stressing out my younger kid who is having to step in as something of a replacement for me in the relationship. Not to mention it's ruining what is supposed to be a happy occasion, which is usually the case for us with the older kid. Any advice is welcome. I've done my best to validate her feelings and leave the door open, also offered to do counseling together. The problem is she's never wrong and therapy never works (her belief, not mine).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi hopefulbpdmom
Welcome and thanks for posting. I agree with you that the younger daughter’s graduation could well be a factor in any escalating BPD symptoms. When the focus turns to another, the BPD child/adult can experience intense abandonment. When my DD was a teenager and I noticed this she said it felt like she ‘was going to die’.

The experience of having BPD is something so hard to understand. It sounds like you have developed some really good skills. It is like walking a tightrope though isn’t it. I used to think of lots of ways to help my DD – wrong! I learnt the hard way that (a) I was the target of blame and (b) my initiating anything would set off the anger.

The self of the BPD person is so fragile, it can be challenged by the slightest thing. You have probably read lots of posts here where parents are grappling with how to respond to accusations that are not true. I found the key to understanding this was in the name of the condition – borderline. Apparently it stems from a mental condition that is on the border between psychosis and neurosis (a very difficult place to be!). All you can do when DD holds a strong belief that you spanked her is to just say calmly that you don't recall that.

It sounds as though you deal with it very well. You have been able to have family holidays and work through the inevitable meltdowns that come with the BPD territory. I am wondering whether DD will go no contact or whether this is a way of turning the focus to herself at this time?

I can only say how I would cope in this situation. I think it will be different for everyone because you know your DD and family. I would de-escalate wherever I could – I wouldn’t suggest anything, rather just do what you have been doing ie validate, leave the door open etc until after the graduation. As you say you don’t know how she will go no contact etc.

How long is it to the graduation and does your younger child understand BPD at all? I am thinking I would try to help everyone else stay as relaxed as possible so you can enjoy this moment in life’s journey.

Please post again with any update – this is certainly a place where the journey with a BPD child is well understood!