adult daughter has threatened no contact

[Parents! Get help here!]

  Hello all, this is my first post. I wish I had found this community sooner! My adult daughter (diagnosed twice by two different docs) lives in a different city and we were together last week for a family trip. The last three trips have included massive blowouts/meltdowns and this was no exception. She wanted me to admit to spanking her regularly as a child (I did not). We were able to get past this and when I returned home I ordered a copy of The Essential Family Guide to BPD through our family Amazon account. For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me. I should also note that my youngest is graduating high school in a couple of weeks and believe this is a strong motivational factor for this extreme behavior. I am not sure how she'll actually follow through with this, but it's really stressing out my younger kid who is having to step in as something of a replacement for me in the relationship. Not to mention it's ruining what is supposed to be a happy occasion, which is usually the case for us with the older kid. Any advice is welcome. I've done my best to validate her feelings and leave the door open, also offered to do counseling together. The problem is she's never wrong and therapy never works (her belief, not mine).

[hopefulbpdmom]

  Hello all, this is my first post. I wish I had found this community sooner! My adult daughter (diagnosed twice by two different docs) lives in a different city and we were together last week for a family trip. The last three trips have included massive blowouts/meltdowns and this was no exception. She wanted me to admit to spanking her regularly as a child (I did not). We were able to get past this and when I returned home I ordered a copy of The Essential Family Guide to BPD through our family Amazon account. For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me. I should also note that my youngest is graduating high school in a couple of weeks and believe this is a strong motivational factor for this extreme behavior. I am not sure how she'll actually follow through with this, but it's really stressing out my younger kid who is having to step in as something of a replacement for me in the relationship. Not to mention it's ruining what is supposed to be a happy occasion, which is usually the case for us with the older kid. Any advice is welcome. I've done my best to validate her feelings and leave the door open, also offered to do counseling together. The problem is she's never wrong and therapy never works (her belief, not mine).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi hopefulbpdmom
Welcome and thanks for posting. I agree with you that the younger daughter’s graduation could well be a factor in any escalating BPD symptoms. When the focus turns to another, the BPD child/adult can experience intense abandonment. When my DD was a teenager and I noticed this she said it felt like she ‘was going to die’.

The experience of having BPD is something so hard to understand. It sounds like you have developed some really good skills. It is like walking a tightrope though isn’t it. I used to think of lots of ways to help my DD – wrong! I learnt the hard way that (a) I was the target of blame and (b) my initiating anything would set off the anger.

The self of the BPD person is so fragile, it can be challenged by the slightest thing. You have probably read lots of posts here where parents are grappling with how to respond to accusations that are not true. I found the key to understanding this was in the name of the condition – borderline. Apparently it stems from a mental condition that is on the border between psychosis and neurosis (a very difficult place to be!). All you can do when DD holds a strong belief that you spanked her is to just say calmly that you don't recall that.

It sounds as though you deal with it very well. You have been able to have family holidays and work through the inevitable meltdowns that come with the BPD territory. I am wondering whether DD will go no contact or whether this is a way of turning the focus to herself at this time?

I can only say how I would cope in this situation. I think it will be different for everyone because you know your DD and family. I would de-escalate wherever I could – I wouldn’t suggest anything, rather just do what you have been doing ie validate, leave the door open etc until after the graduation. As you say you don’t know how she will go no contact etc.

How long is it to the graduation and does your younger child understand BPD at all? I am thinking I would try to help everyone else stay as relaxed as possible so you can enjoy this moment in life’s journey.

Please post again with any update – this is certainly a place where the journey with a BPD child is well understood!

[hopefulbpdmom]

Thanks for the info and the support. She has blocked me on phone, email, WhatsApp, and even LinkedIn (?). She told her siblings she would be doing so, not me. She also asked her stepbrother if she can stay with him when she comes for graduation. I feel so hurt, I feel grief, loss, anger. I also feel some relief if that's the right word. Relief that the terrible thing she's been threatening since last summer has finally happened. Relief that I'm getting something of a break. All I can do is build skills for when she reaches back out, which I fully believe she will do. Nobody else is going to be the endless supply of support and reinforcement that I have been, nor is anyone else going to be the target for her extreme aggression and anger. I suspect the best course is not to engage further as it may only exacerbate things. The only way to let her know that I understand and she can take all the time she needs is by letter.

[hopefulbpdmom]

My younger kid knows about BPD and is doing a good job of not getting triangulated into the middle of it all

[CC43]

Hi Hopeful,

You've come to the right place.  Ordinarily I'd write a long reply, as your post touches on many themes:  behavior that spoils vacations and happy moments, creating a convoluted victim narrative, rewriting history, cutting off contact, threats, blaming, therapy, sibling dynamics, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, the works.

I'd suggest that you take a look at some of my prior posts, which explain some of these themes.  I think if you click on my name (CC43), you can click through to my recent posts.

But I see some reasons for hope:  You have a diagnosis; at least you and your daughter know what you're dealing with.  BPD is treatable, provided your daughter wants to make some changes for the better.  And your BPD daughter isn't living with you full time, which gives you a break, as well as makes it increasingly difficult for your daughter to continue to blame you for absolutely everything wrong in her life.  Maybe she's functioning reasonably well as an adult (job, education, living independently, maintaining friendships)--if she is, that's huge.

Maybe you're relieved to take a break from your daughter's nastiness.  But you're also worried sick about her, right?  And you can't help but feel some guilt--about how you raised her, about how your relationship is going.  We get that.  Just know that you didn't cause your daughter's BPD, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise, no matter how hard she tries to create a narrative of a terrible, abusive childhood.  In my experience, that's classic BPD, and it's a deflection from her current issues.

All my best to you.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  You have already received such helpful information!  I, too, have an adult daughter (26 years old) who cut ties with me, her father, sister and nieces....I have moments of hope, moments of doubt (I love that those were recognized); I have researched BPD (a very good book is Walking On Eggshells); I found a therapist who specializes in parents of young adults with BPD! For me, the biggest hurt, is accepting JOY, I feel guilty feeling joy when my daughter does not speak to me!  I very much hope your situation improves, however, I just want to say, that I understand the PAIN, disappointment and they refer to it as "grieving someone still alive"; feel free to reach out, if you like

[Pook075]

For that she really lost it and has since told her siblings she's going no contact with me.

Words are cheap and BPDs say all kinds of things when they're dysregulated.  Don't think too much into this.  She will contact you or she won't.

You have your priorities in order with the graduation approaching.  Don't let your older child ruin that. 

There's nothing wrong with buying a book.  I can see the over-reaction because the entire family saw that you bought a mental health book.  Your BPD kid took it as a personal attack.  The whole reason you bought the book, however, is because she takes a lot of things as personal attacks and wants to argue over it.

If she confronts you directly, be honest- you bought the book to better understand her and you're hoping to avoid the same types of conflicts in the future.  But don't defend, don't argue, because that's what she wants...that's what feeds her mental illness.  You have to get away from that sort of thing for the relationship to change.

Honestly, no contact may be the best thing right now.  Read your book in peace and be better equipped for the next vacation.

One last thing- she doesn't want to go no contact...she wants you to apologize and beg her to forgive you.  Again, that's the mental illness aspect of this.  I would advise you to resist that temptation to say whatever she wants just to "fix things", because it's not actually fixing anything.  It's being manipulated and it makes the situation even worse over time.

[hopefulbpdmom]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice 

[CC43]

One last thing- she doesn't want to go no contact...she wants you to apologize and beg her to forgive you.  Again, that's the mental illness aspect of this.  I would advise you to resist that temptation to say whatever she wants just to "fix things", because it's not actually fixing anything.  It's being manipulated and it makes the situation even worse over time.

I agree with this 100%.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would threaten no contact and storm off continually, not because she needed space or time to figure things out on her own, but merely to punish her parents with her absence whenever she felt aggrieved or didn't get her way.  The more you "beg" her to resume contact, the more you encourage this sort of reaction.

And my opinion is, as your daughter is an adult, she needs to have her own Amazon account.  Take her off your account.  Then you can buy whatever you want without risking triggering her.  Buying anything fun could be triggering to her, because she feels entitled to your disposable income, and she also feels "excluded."  The less she knows about your personal purchases and finances, the better in my opinion.  My other opinion is that she should come off your phone plan and any streaming plans, if she hasn't already.  A personal phone and Netflix are luxuries, not necessities, and my opinion is that she needs to start being responsible for some of her expenses, if she isn't already.

As for blow-ups at vacations, that's very typical.  I think it happens because a pwBPD can't stand to see others' happiness,  when she's so miserable inside.  In addition, attention might temporarily be diverted away from her.  She can't stand not being the center of attention, "competing" with joyful conversations or activities.  She can't stand hearing other people's cheerful updates, as she feels inferior and excluded.  My solution to this problem has generally been to invite my pwBPD to family gatherings, but make attendance strictly optional, as well as provide an opportunity for one-on-one time, which she handles better.  This looks like:  "We're hosting Thanksgiving for the extended family, and dinner will be served at 5 pm.  Of course, if you have other plans, that's OK--we'll have plenty of leftovers.  Please feel free to stop by on Friday or Saturday if you like.  Your siblings and uncles will be visiting from Wednesday evening through Friday morning, if you want to see them."  I know, it sounds pathetic that a pwBPD can't make it through a Thanksgiving dinner with the family, but historically it's worked better to have leftovers just with her, if she decides to visit at all.  Sometimes she expresses an intention to visit, but will be a no-show.  I've just resigned myself to not expecting much from her, not even a courtesy text to say she's not coming.  If she made other plans, great.  If she's in a bad mood and doesn't want to come, fine.  I think it's better if she doesn't visit at all if she's in a bad mood.  I'm not "begging" her to talk with us.