ammabear
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1
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« on: June 11, 2026, 08:07:02 PM » |
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I found this forum hoping to get some insight and help.
My udBPDson is 18 and we have been dealing with his behaviors since he was a toddler about 4 or 5.
I have been a stay at home mom since he was born. I left my career to stay home with my then 5 children.
He had an appointment this week to start the intake process to get assessed and start seeing a psychiatrist to get the help HE asked for. After splitting on me Sunday evening so bad my husband had to restrain him, then had me call the cops. My son blames me for calling them and getting them involved, he keeps ruminating on what one cop told him and us. That if needed they would have to 5150 him. After they saw he was calm and he played it off that he would be better, he later came out of his room and proceeded to continue his verbal barrage and I just left him to be with his own thoughts. Fast forward he refused to go to the scheduled intake this week and cut me off essentially. I told him I love him and hope he does the right thing for himself.
He had not eaten till today, only drinking water and some chips.
So here goes.
There were times when my udBPDson’s behaviors were so over the top, talking to him, warning him, time outs, consequences, etc. would not work. I still carry immense guilt for not responding to him as I should have, and I didn’t know, all the time that I had to go into therapy myself to gather as much information as I could to get a grip on how I was responding to him and parenting him. I walked with a huge burden eating at me that I was a horrible mom.
We tried putting him in sports, baseball. He threw the bat at the coach and kicked his grandfather, we were told not to take him back. We tried martial arts with a great instructor/mentor and that was a flop. We tried PE classes and he would bully the other boys, we tried martial arts again and the last time, he stayed in the car (while his brother went in) verbally raging at me. That was the last time I was going to waste time, money and effort. He is bigger and stronger than me and yet he menaces me, when he feels safe to do so.
From my knowledge he was never abused or mistreated by anyone other than my meltdowns for his actions when he was younger. Dad was in and out being the disciplinarian, because he worked so much, that is a whole other story. My son would get in trouble, especially when it was malicious or vindictive towards smaller cousins and children, family and friends would accuse me of not loving him enough. I would try harder and buy parenting book after book, if I could only find the right one. I wanted to show him I loved him and others that what they accused me of was way off base.
There were times he was a sweetheart and felt bad for acting up. I had nothing but forgiveness and hugs for him.
He was struggling to read, attention seeking and hyper all the time, that I requested his charter school do a battery of testing before he went into middle school. It was through that that I started seeing a pattern, he was extremely intelligent in some areas and below average in others. The school ended up giving him an IEP for a variety of reasons adhd, OT, and dyslexia.
Out of all my children he was the one that would push, provoke, instigate and rage on me or his siblings, sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes it was jealousy, or a perceived injustice, or he felt he wasn’t loved. We tried putting him in a hybrid school and he ended up getting bullied.
We felt that that was not a good environment since the teachers were ignoring it.
His middle school years were hard but he learned to read and actually excelled our expectations.
While he would do good in some areas academically, he would be looking at things on his school computer that he would get in trouble for constantly or he would just want to play video games and his grades slipped. This became a huge area of contention for us.
His teachers would call me and I would have to meet with them in person, not my husband.
My son took this as I was the bad one because I would get angry and embarrassed he was misbehaving around computers any chance he took. It later became that it didn’t matter whose computer it was he would sneak around, get caught and I was always told about the content and what I needed to do.
His teen years have been a nightmare and I desperately was trying to get help for him throughout, he has been in and out of therapy since he was 10. There are times he has clarity of mind and is exact in explaining all his follies and shortcomings. He can describe to me what he is feeling and how hurt he feels inside and what a failure he feels like, and how empty he feels. I hear him and tell him we will support him in any way we can. Then it turns to me that I have not done enough and I failed him.
He gets upset and then it is all over.
Because I knew about his misbehaving, in his mind I was the bad one, I didn’t understand.
We had to get him a phone with limited internet access and this was also a point of serious contention for him and we were bad awful parents for not trusting him and thinking the worst of him he would rage. He made promises he would be better and he would put it to good use. My husband got him a phone but it had to have a parental guard on it, well he then took it off and his grades slipped further and the addiction to video games grew out of control.
It seems as though I am the one he splits on most of the time. Now that he is an ‘adult’ we are trying to gather family to persuade him to get help. I have no power to make appointments or convince him and he tells me he hates me more than anyone else, that I am useless as a mom, and I ruined his life and everyone hates me. While other times he speaks about how he benefited from the way we schooled him. He didn’t start reading until we hired a specific tutor for dyslexia as the schools were slow to help. He has been angry with me for his learning struggles and refuses to see how much support we got for him.
He hates everything our faith, our choices, our beliefs, our family size, my sisters, my brother, some of his cousins, our home, where we live, where we go to church, who we are friends with, what we talk about, what our interests are, that I don’t work outside the home.
We are a rather large family and our son falls in the middle. He has been loved, nurtured, supported, encouraged in every which way possible.
There is so much to our lifestyle but at the same time I made sure each and every one of my children have me when they need me, even now. My older adult children find comfort in my presence and I respect them as adults and we have a healthy relationship and boundaries.
My younger children are thoughtful and although not perfect by any stretch they truly are different than this one son. It breaks me because I really thought if I only nurtured and tried harder he wouldn’t be this way, he wouldn’t feel different.
Now I know better, the hardest and I am still learning is I had to learn not to take in his splits deep into my soul.
How I even found out about BPD was through my own therapist. However, one of my older daughter’s had mentioned it after he destroyed our house and especially her personal things 1 month before she was to be married, he was so upset with her over that. My father died last year, and was a whole other issue for me personally and during therapy sessions I would also mention my son because he was raging at me verbally like clockwork once a month even tho I was in the throes of grief. She urged me to have him assessed and we made the huge mistake of waiting and seeing if he would get better. Then we lost our private insurance because my husband lost his job.
We are moving out of our home and he is in his room on his bed playing video games all day. My husband barely has a relationship with him and doesn’t really ask much of him because he doesn’t want to deal with him coming after me as he does.
This has put a giant strain on our marriage and I am wanting out of the marriage because I feel so vulnerable to my son’s onslaught of abuse and my own perception that my husband does not do enough to protect me.
My son hates me with a seething passion and tells me so, but he won’t leave or do better for himself to be able to leave. His siblings kind of just gave up on him too since he is so mean and vulgar to them when he doesn’t like what they say or do amongst themselves. They walk on eggshells as we all do. For instance they can be playing a board game and he will start criticizing and bullying them for no reason.
Since my husband lost his job and we are moving so as to not lose the house, we have to move in with our oldest daughter while we find a smaller place. One condition my son in law and daughter rightly told him was that he had to actively get help or else he is not welcomed, but he refuses to get the help needed and we only have 2 weeks left here. Last thing he told me was that he is ok being homeless and worse.
He did not graduate on time and needs to make up credit. He is angry that he can’t find a job as well.
My post is not an essay, and it is not a well written. You get my point.
We need help.
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